Shit, who am I kidding? Your ideas of self-worth kind of go flying out the window when you’re standing in front of a mansion that accommodates a garage bigger than your own house.
Ben turns the car off, then reaches for my hand once more, giving it a supportive squeeze. “Cathy, it’s going to be fine. Julian is the shit and his twin sister, Morgan, is pretty awesome as well. We’re going to have a lot of fun this weekend.” He leans over the console, plants a kiss on my forehead and nudges his nose against mine. “Trust me. You’re here with me. No one will bother you.”
I turn in his direction and hug him hard. I feel the strong muscles of his body wrapped within my arms, smell his masculine scent mixed with expensive cologne, and I make a decision about us.
Tonight will be the night.
I can’t continue living my life in fear, worried that Ben will leave me one day. I can’t. I must take a chance on him, trust my heart and let him take me to that place that only he can show me. After kissing his neck, I whisper, “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. I was just shocked, but I’ll get over it. Remember, I’m a tough Queens’ girl. Just promise me one thing.”
Ben leans back far enough to see my face. As I stare into a warm pool of deep brown, my hand caresses his cheek. Ben closes his eyes for a moment, but when he opens them, I see my answer gazing right back at me.
It will be fine.
“Just promise me that we’ll have tonight to ourselves.”
“Of course. We’re staying in the same room.”
“Um, yeah...I knew that. What I meant, uh...what I mean is that…well…I’m ready. You know, ready.” Blushing, I hope that Ben gets my meaning because I don’t think I could be any more direct without telling him to sleep with me.
Ben is quiet for what seems an eternity.
Oh my God. What if I read the signals all wrong? No.
He wants me. I know it.
He likes me. I know it.
But his silence is freaking me out. When I’m about to tell him to forget it, he finally speaks.
“No, Cathy. I can’t do that.”
“What? Come again?” That is so not what I was expecting. Where is Horny Ben when I want him?
Abruptly he lets go of me, shakes his head and looks away, speaking to the windshield. “No. Let’s try this again. You know damn well that I want you. So damn much, but I didn’t bring you here to get you to have sex with me. I’m better than that.” Turning around, he immobilizes me with his stare. “You’re better than that. Hell, I’m not that kind of an asshole, Cathy. You should know better.”
Is he kidding me? “Ben, no. I want to…I’m ready.” You would think that when you tell the guy you’ve been seeing that you’re finally ready to have sex with him, he would say, “Hell yeah! Where’s the bed?” Instead, I’m stuck with a righteous asshole.
“No, Cathy. Please, drop it.”
I can feel shame beginning to burn my face, and the humiliation sinking deep within. Ben’s eyes soften as he takes my hand in his. “Look, babe, let’s talk about it tonight when we’re alone. Not when we’re parked outside Julian’s house and—”
Confused and hurt by his rejection, I push his hand away. “I’m not dropping it. We’ve been seeing each other for a month now, and we’ve done pretty much everything but have sex.”
Ben opens his mouth to say something, but I don’t let him get a word out.
“I thought we waited this long for me to be ready. Well, I am now, so why the hell not? And I’m sorry, but I don’t buy your excuse of,” lifting my fingers in quotations marks, I throw his words back in his face, “I didn’t bring you here to have sex with me.”
I know I’m being illogical. It was me who asked him to take it slow just to make sure he was over his ex before sleeping together.
What if he’s not over her?
But he wants me. He just said so.
A feeling of dread settles in my stomach. “Let me ask you something, Ben. How long did you wait to sleep with Ashley, huh? Did you tell her no when she offered herself to you? Because that’s basically what I just did. Or are you making stupid excuses because you’re not over her?”
I hear Ben groan as he puts his face in his hands. Waves of frustration radiate from his body, blasting me with their force. “What the fuck, Cathy? That’s low, even for you. Why do you have to bring up the past?”
“I’m confused, that’s why. I-I thought you liked me. That you wanted me and now, you don’t…is it because of her?”
Silence.
Nothing.
Ben doesn’t say anything.
He just looks at me.
His silence hurts.
His silence is majorly pissing me off.
“Well, I wanted to know, didn’t I? I guess I have my answer.”
Frustration is written in the frowning lines of Ben’s face, his set jaw and the way he’s tugging his hair. When he’s about to speak, someone opens my door and interrupts our first fight.
And maybe our last.
Cool air hits me in the face, filling the warm interior of the car with a cold breeze. Ben and I turn to look at the person who rudely interrupted us mid argument. My eyes meet a pair of blue eyes on the face of a gorgeous guy. He has shaggy brown hair and some freckles on the crest of his nose, full lips, and a cleft on his chin.
He smiles as he seems to take in the scene. “Yo, Ben. I thought you were never going to get here, Man.” He turns to look at me, a bigger smile on his lips now. “You must be Cathy. Nice meeting you. We’ve been dying to meet the girl that has Big Ben acting like a chick. Morgan is going to love you.”
“Um, hi. And you are?”
“Sorry. Pretty girls make me act stupid. I’m Julian,” he smirks arrogantly.
“Hi. Nice meeting you, Julian.” I don’t blush, but I can feel a reluctant smile tug at the corners my lips as I watch his contagious smile. Julian is a flirt, and he knows it works for him. I glance back at Ben and see him studying us both.
He doesn’t look happy.
At all.
Good. I’m glad. Maybe Julian won’t have a problem sleeping with me.
Ben’s frown has been replaced by a mean scowl. “Back off, dude. You need those pretty hands of yours to play that pansy shit you call a sport.”
Julian stares at us both as a playful grin replaces his flirtatious smile. “I play golf. And don’t listen to him. I can take his juice-head body any day, any time.”
If I weren’t so upset with Ben, I would find this seriously funny. But I’m angry and hurt, so I decide to piss him off a little bit more. Remembering the way Lisa flirts with guys, I try to imitate her. Please, God, don’t let me look like an ass. After slowly licking my lips and tilting my chin at just the right angle, I give Julian my best smile. “I’m sure you can. You have a beautiful home, by the way. I’d love a personal tour if you’re available.”
Julian’s eyes dart from Ben to me, pausing on my face as understanding dawns. An approving look appears on his face as his smile grows wider. “I’d love to, and I happen to be available right now. Ben, you’ve seen the house before, I’m sure you don’t need to come along, right? Anyway, it’s fucking cold out here. Let’s head inside before we freeze.”
He reaches out for my hand and wraps his long fingers around mine. “Here, let me help you,” Turning to look at Ben, Julian adds, “Dude, you know the way. Arthur will take care of the luggage, so head to the bar. Morgan is there with the usual crowd. You may want to skip the main living room, though, it’s a fuckfest.”
I don’t dare to look at Ben when I get out of the car with Julian’s help as we make our way to the entrance. I am halfway up the stairs when I realize how shitty I am being to Ben. Whatever his reasons are, he was trying to do the right thing by me. I stop dead in my tracks and face Julian with an apologetic smile.
“Could you give me a minute? I forgot to tell Ben something.”