“There isn’t any project,” she said. “Just Lack. Lack and approaches to Lack. Soft’s holding on to the idea of a project. That’s his big blind spot.”
“Soft’s concerned about your approach to Lack,” I said coolly. “He feels your approach is too, um, direct.”
She looked down into her coffee. The sun sculpted hollows of light in her tired features. Tender feelings rustled in me like bat wings unfolding.
“He thinks you’re identifying too much,” I said. “Losing that essential detachment.”
She looked up sharply. “Lack doesn’t require detachment. That’s Soft’s error. Lack requires engagement, a relationship. It’s something I was able to rise to. Soft is out of his depth.”
“You’re saying that what Lack wants is a relationship.” I said, still calm.
“Right.”
“And you’re saying you can provide that.”
“Right.”
“A human relationship.”
“Right.”
I lost my cool a little. “He isn’t getting one in you, Alice. You’re moving away from the human. Lack is too powerful an influence, can’t you see? He’s changing you. You’re becoming a void to match. You’re not human if you’re no longer able to love.”
I caught myself before I added the word me.
“Love isn’t the problem,” she said weakly. “I’m not having a problem loving.”
“What are you saying?”
“You still don’t understand, do you? Why I can’t be with you anymore.”
Don’t address me, I wanted to say. Philip isn’t here. This is Omnipotent Voice you’re speaking with.
“You’re in love with someone else,” I heard myself say.
“Yes.”
A change came over me, a phase transition. A flush rose through my chest and neck.
“You’re in love with Lack,” I said.
“Yes.”
Should I have known sooner?
Love is self-deception, remember. And my competition was so improbable.
But now that it was named, Alice’s Lack-love seemed obvious, a foregone conclusion. Probably the whole campus buzzed with it, and I was the last to know.
“The way you loved me?” I squeaked.
“No. Yes.”
I studied her. She sat with a leg up on the chair, her hair wild, her eyes glowing from tired sockets. Her mouth was drawn defiantly tight. Her Lack-love was real, I saw. She looked crushed under the weight of her impossible love. I felt an admiration, despite myself.
“Does anyone else know?”
“I hadn’t even admitted it to myself until just now.” A tear painted a reflective stripe down her cheek.
“Does Soft?”
“You would know better than I would.”
Yes, Alice had been living on the brink of the void, but it wasn’t some singular, icy, inhuman place. In fact, the same void yawned out underneath me, too. Unrequited love.
It seemed reasonable to call hers unrequited. If Alice had really climbed up on Lack’s table, then he’d turned her down, hadn’t he? Making things disappear was the only I love you in his binary vocabulary.
Had she, though? I was afraid to ask. Instead I got up and cleared the dishes into the sink. I wanted to buy a plane ticket, fly away, make my claims to Cynthia Jalter true. Leave my colleagues with a mystery. Professor X.
In the sink the coffee grounds rose up, swirling out of the bottoms of our cups, and were washed down the drain.
“All this time down there,” I said, not facing her. “You were slipping away from me. Feeling communion with this thing, unable to talk about it.”
“Yes.”
I realized, too late, that I’d used a forbidden pronoun. Me. Distracted, I’d pled guilty to possession of a self.
“So it’s simple, then,” I said. “No mystery. You don’t love me because you love Lack.”
“Yes.”
“But he doesn’t love you back.”
“Yes.”
“You tried, then. You offered yourself.”
No answer. But when I turned from the sink she stared at me hollowly, and nodded.
18
“We’ve drifted a long way past physics here, Philip. I’d like to try to get us back on course.”
Soft’s office was surprisingly intimate. It was easy to imagine it as a blown-up model of the interior of his skull. The walls were lined with texts, a decade’s issues of Physics Letters and Physical Review. The desks were heaped. On the wall was a water-stained certificate, subtly crooked inside its frame. Yellowing fireproof ceiling, ancient fluorescent desk lamp. Soft always seemed reptilian inside the physics lab, and out of place everywhere else, but this office was an intermediate, a human space he could credibly inhabit.
Soft sat behind his desk. In the rotting chair to his right sat an Italian physicist, just off the plane. He was tall and ruddy, and wore a wrinkled, lemon yellow suit. His collar was open and his tie was bundled into his jacket pocket, where it stuck out like a tongue. Soft introduced him with a name that began morphing so crazily the moment I heard it—Crubbio Raxia? Carbino Toxia? Arbino Cruxia?—that I didn’t dare try to say it aloud.
He sat watching me intently while Soft spoke.
“We’re dividing up the Lack hours,” Soft said. “I’m reclaiming a portion of the schedule myself. A team of our graduate students has submitted an impressive proposal, and they’ll be awarded a shift. Most exciting to me personally is the exchange we’ve negotiated with the Italian team. Carmo and his staff will be given access to Lack, in return for a share of hours at their supercollider in Pisa, something we’ve craved for years. Lack is a considerable bargaining chip.”
The Italian pursed his lips. “We have been following your results very closely. It is important work. Cannot be monopolized, you see? The international community has claims.”
“Carmo’s team has some very interesting theories, and they’re eager to put them to the test.”
“Hah! Yes. It’s a very narrow interpretation, so far.”
Soft winced. The Italian’s enthusiasm obviously irritated him. Maybe there was a political side to this exchange, some debt being paid.
“The reason I called you here,” continued Soft, “is that I’d like to ask you to administer Professor Coombs’ hours. Be her, ah, chaperone. I wouldn’t dream of disrupting her work, but I am looking to tighten up our sense of procedure here. I want to develop a variety of approaches, foster a little give-and-take among the various teams. And naturally there’s going to be some downtime, when one team is breaking down equipment or cleaning up the observation area. There’s only one Lack. So we’re all going to have to move forward in a spirit of cooperation. I’m looking to you, Philip, as someone who’s really an expert on how we do things around here, to help apply the subtle brakes and levers that can make this thing go. Especially with Professor Coombs. Because it’s not an easy thing, but in effect we’re downgrading her status in this situation, cutting into her time. Not that there aren’t compensations, of course, but still. I’m sure you’re cognizant of my drift.”
Soft smiled at Carmo—Texaco? Relaxo? Ataxia?—and folded his hands across his desk.
“But Alice—” I began.
“I don’t think this is really the time and place and time to talk about Professor Coombs’ recent difficulties, Philip. Professor Braxia isn’t interested in our petty little disputes or eccentricities. There’s a difference of opinion between myself and Professor Coombs. That’s no secret, I’m not hiding that from the Italian team. The point is to open this thing up to a variety of approaches.”