Okay, so some asexuals are fine with sex. What about the rest of them?
Not every asexual is sex-positive. Many asexuals are repulsed by sex. Repulsion goes beyond simple disinterest. A repulsed person is generally disgusted by the thought of sex or of sexual things. There are many variations of repulsion among asexuals. Some think that all sex, anywhere, by anyone, is “icky”. Others are only repulsed when it comes to any form of sexual situations involving their own bodies, but are fine with other people having sex. Some repulsed people may be fine with their own bodies and may masturbate, but find the thought of doing anything with someone else disgusting. In some cases, the mere mention of an anatomical word is enough to cause someone to feel sick to their stomach.
Being sex-positive and repulsed are not mutually exclusive. It’s possible for someone to believe that pretty much whatever goes on between consenting adults is fine and dandy, but at the same time be repulsed about the thought of engaging in sexual activity themselves. Part of sex-positivity is a sense of “to each their own”, which means respect for how much or how little sex a person chooses to have, whether it’s five times a day or zero times in a lifetime. There are no “sluts” and there are no “prudes”.
Repulsion, by itself, is not necessarily an indicator of asexuality. Many non-asexuals are also repulsed by the thought of sex. They’ll experience sexual attraction, but once their thoughts turn toward the act of having sex, their thoughts will be blotted out by the ickiness of the fluids and the body parts and other goings on. Some people may even mistake repulsion for asexuality, thinking that because they find sex disgusting, that must mean that they do not find anyone sexually attractive, which is not the case.
Some people have reported some measure of success in overcoming repulsion by engaging in exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is the process in which a person attempts to overcome a fear by gradual and repeated exposure to the thing that causes the fear. For instance, someone who is arachnophobic would be shown pictures of spiders in an attempt to desensitize the person to spiders. For someone who is sexually repulsed, they might try looking at pornographic images or videos, reading about sexual acts, or examining their own bodies as a way to minimize their repulsion. (Of course, your mileage may vary. I’m not a psychologist or therapist and I’ve never been sexually repulsed, so I might just be completely off base here. I would strongly suggest that you find someone who actually knows what they’re talking about before attempting any therapy of this sort. Don’t just listen to me. Also, don’t blame me if you end up scarred for life after you see some of the things out there on the Internet…) It’s also important to note that exposure therapy should only be attempted by those who actually want to change how they feel about sex. If you’re repulsed by sex and don’t really have a problem with it, then don’t worry about trying to “fix” yourself, because you’re not broken.
Why do I always hear about asexuals that hate sex and everyone who has sex?
I believe you’re confusing asexuality with antisexuality. They are not the same thing. Antisexuals believe that sex is bad or wrong, either because of a religious objection, or because they believe that sex is at the root of many of the world’s problems. While it is possible for someone to be both asexual and antisexual, one does not have to be asexual to be antisexual, and not all asexuals are antisexual. In fact, the majority of them are not.
So, do all asexuals fit perfectly into one of these groups you’ve mentioned?
It’s possible to be some mixture of the categories I’ve described above, and it’s also possible for someone to fall into a category I haven’t mentioned. However, just because someone is asexual, you can’t know which, if any, of these categories that person will be. You’ll need to talk to them to find out. It’s generally considered rude to assume that they’re a certain way. Furthermore, it should be noted that someone’s general impression of sex may not apply to every specific situation. For instance, just because an asexual is sex-positive, that doesn’t mean they’ll be willing to have sex with you. Communication is the key to understanding the individual.
“But asexuals can’t masturbate!”
Do asexuals masturbate?
Maybe.
“Maybe” isn’t an answer.
But it’s accurate.
No, really, do they?
No. And yes. It depends on the person.
So some asexuals masturbate?
Correct. And some don’t. It’s perfectly fine either way.
Do you masturbate?
That is an extremely personal question and is quite rude to ask. Just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean that it’s somehow okay to ask me that.
But do you?
Yes. And I’m good at it, too. But if I weren’t writing a chapter about asexuality and masturbation, that little tidbit would be absolutely none of your damn business.
How can an asexual masturbate?
For the most part, they just kinda rub until—
No, I meant, how can someone who masturbates be considered asexual?
Simple. Masturbation has nothing to do with sexual orientation. A gay person doesn’t engage in some sort of homosexual masturbation. A straight person is still straight even if they don’t touch themselves now and then. It’s no different for asexuality.
But masturbating is a sexual act. You can’t perform sexual acts and still be asexual.
Certainly, masturbation is a sexual activity performed using sexual organs and it produces a sexual response. There’s a misconception that an asexual must be devoid of all sexual properties and sexual responses and cannot experience sexual pleasure. I used to believe that myself, in fact, before I discovered what asexuality really is. I used to think that I couldn’t be asexual because I masturbate. But not the case at all. Asexuality is all about attraction, not action, it’s an orientation, not behavior. Being asexual does not mean one cannot or does not take part in sexual activities. Being asexual means one does not experience sexual attraction. Asexual people generally can and sometimes do take part in sexual activity. Masturbation is the most common.
Why would an asexual person bother to masturbate?
Sometimes they do it to relax.
Sometimes they do it as a stress reliever.
Sometimes they do it because they’re bored.
For women, it can help with period pain.
For men, it can help with embarrassing issues like spontaneous erections or nocturnal emissions.
Sometimes they consider it a bodily function.
Sometimes they do it because their libido wants them to.
Sometimes they do it to prevent prostate cancer.
Sometimes they do it because it’s like “scratching an itch”.
Sometimes they like to perform a self-test to make sure everything is in working order.
Sometimes they just want to.