I just sat there.
It was almost ten years ago now. I was meeting an Internet friend for the first time. She had made her feelings for me quite clear, but I didn’t feel the same for her. I expected some sort of physical display of affection, a hug, maybe a kiss. I knew it would probably be awkward and I almost didn’t want to meet her because of it.
We’d been together for a couple of hours when she told me that she wanted to sit for a bit. We were on the fourth floor of a university building and there was a small study lounge at the end of the hall. We sat and chatted a bit while looking out the window.
Then she pounced.
She flew over into my seat and pressed herself against me. With one hand, she rubbed my chest, the other hand ran through my hair. She pressed her lips against my neck.
I just sat there. I watched the people in the courtyard below.
I couldn’t push her away because that would kill her.
I couldn’t actively take part because that would be a lie.
She pressed closer.
I felt like I wasn’t there. If I were there, I’d react. I’d want to kiss her, to touch her. But I didn’t feel anything.
Why didn’t I feel anything?
Here was a friendly, attractive woman who obviously wanted me. No one had ever expressed an interest in me like this before. She wanted to do this for months. I wanted nothing.
And I just sat there.
This isn’t right.
Why didn’t I want her?
Why didn’t I feel anything?
Why couldn’t I feel anything?
What is wrong with me?
I watched the people in the courtyard below.
I replayed that moment in my mind over and over in the days that followed. The weeks, the months, the years that followed. I searched for clues, for hints, for anything that would help to unlock the mystery of my heart. There was nothing there to find.
When I discovered asexuality, this memory was one of the first that jumped to mind. Everything finally snapped into place and became perfectly clear to me. Nothing was wrong with me at all. That’s just not the way I’m wired.
Glossary
Abstinence: Not participating in sexual activity (often specifically partnered sexual activity) by choice.
Ace: Colloquial abbreviation of “asexual”. Often used to refer to asexual people in a similar manner as “gay” or “straight” are used to refer to homosexual or heterosexual people.
Ace Spectrum: The grouping of asexual, demisexual, and gray-asexual under a single umbrella of related sexual orientation.
Aesthetic Attraction: Non-sexual/non-romantic attraction to the way someone looks. Often described as the desire to “admire someone like a painting”, but not necessarily anything further.
Affectional Orientation: See “Romantic Orientation”.
Antisexuaclass="underline" General dislike of sexuality or sexual activity, including instances where other people are involved. Often accompanied by the belief that sex or sexuality in any form is “bad” or “wrong”. Antisexual views should not be confused with asexuality.
Aromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by a persistent lack of romantic attraction toward any gender.
Arousaclass="underline" Being “turned on”, generally accompanied by a physical genital response, such as erection and/or lubrication.
Asexuality: A sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction to any gender.
Biromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by romantic attraction to both males and females.
Bisexuaclass="underline" A sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction to both males and females.
Black Ring: When worn on the middle finger of the right hand, a black ring is an indicator that a person is asexual.
Cake: Better than sex. Also better than pie.
Celibacy: Not participating in sexual activity (often specifically partnered sexual activity) for any reason, not necessarily because of a personal choice.
Coming Out: The act of revealing one’s sexual orientation to others.
Demi: A colloquial abbreviation of “Demisexual”.
Demiromantic: A demiromantic does not experience romantic attraction unless they have already formed a strong emotional bond with the person.
Demisexuaclass="underline" A demisexual does not experience sexual attraction unless they have already formed a strong emotional bond with the person. The bond may or may not be romantic in nature. Please note that there is a difference between demisexuality, which involves attraction, and “I don’t have sex unless I love someone”, which has to do with behavior.
Erasure: How can I explain when there are few words I can choose? Sometimes, when people talk, they’ll hideaway other people’s sexuality. I don’t know why. When this happens, it tends to turn the love to anger. Stop! It doesn’t have to be like that. I say, I say, I say: “I know it ain’t easy to see the truth, but reach out and gimme gimme gimme a little respect, and live in harmony, harmony.”
Grace: A colloquial abbreviation of “Gray-Asexual”.
Gray-A: A colloquial abbreviation of “Gray-Asexual”.
Gray-Asexuaclass="underline" A gray-asexual may infrequently experience sexual attraction or may experience low sexual desire, yet will generally identify as being close to asexual. Gray-asexuals differ from demisexuals in that demisexuals will require an emotional bond before experiencing attraction, yet graces do not necessarily require a bond. The word “gray” comes from the “gray area” between asexuality and non-asexuality.
Heteroromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by romantic attraction to the opposite gender.
Heterosexuaclass="underline" A sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction to the opposite gender.
Homoromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by romantic attraction to the same gender.
Homosexuaclass="underline" A sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction to the same gender.
Libido: Also called “sex drive”, a libido may cause arousal and/or strong desires or urges to engage in sexual activity (although not necessarily with a partner).
Lithromantic: Someone who experiences romantic attraction, but does not desire reciprocation.
Panromantic: A romantic orientation characterized by romantic attraction to any gender.
Pansexuaclass="underline" A sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction to any gender.
Pie: Better than sex. Also better than cake.
Repulsed: Feeling disgusted or put off by the thought of sex. It’s not necessarily the thought that sex is “wrong”, more that it’s “icky”.
Romantic Attraction: A sense of “I would like to be involved in a romantic relationship with that person”. (Please note that “romantic” in this context does not necessarily mean flowers and sunsets on the beach and candlelit dinners.)
Romantic Orientation: A description of the gender or genders (or lack thereof) that one experiences romantic attraction towards.