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EMPATHY QUESTIONS
Empathetic questions go for feeling. They seek deeper, more emotional answers to explore what makes people tick, think, fear, and feel. They help people reveal themselves to others—and sometimes to themselves. These questions are best accessed through “perspective-taking” when the questioner imagines the world from the other person’s point of view. Empathy contributes to more compassionate and more effective questioning and more reflective responses.
Origins: What’s going on? How are you feeling? These big, open-ended questions are ridiculously simple, but asked intentionally and accompanied by good listening, they grant running room and license. They invite people to open up and they drive a conversation that, with good follow-up questions, can become deeply revealing and rewarding.
Brick by Brick: Rather than throwing a big question at someone and expecting a big answer, which can be overwhelming, use a methodical step-by-step approach that explores detail and pattern. The questions should be pursued deliberately and with purpose to break the issue down while heading toward a destination. Ask in sequence and for increasing detail. What was your family like? Did you have dinner together? What did you talk about? What did you argue about? What made you laugh?
Appreciative Inquiry: What are the most significant things you’ve done? What’s the best part of your job? These questions frame the subject in a positive direction so that a constructive framework can be noted and built. The question “appreciates” the anticipated response, which can connect to other positive thoughts and ideas. Follow up or ask about something positive and you might take the conversation in an entirely different direction.
Empathic listening is riveted to words, tone, pacing, pauses, and expressions. But it also involves facial expressions and affect. What you hear and see helps you read the conversation and connect with your next question.
Intimate Distance: How does this make you feel? I’m not judging, I’m just listening. Be intimate enough to ask, distant enough to maintain perspective. If you are going to engage emotions, it’s often best to embrace them without getting caught up in them.
Listen: What are indicators that someone is opening up or sharing something intensely private? Listen for words that convey intense feeling or suggest stress, fear, insecurity, a hidden piece of the past or, on the positive side, deep gratitude, happiness, or tranquility. Listen for clues about the origins of these feelings. Pay special attention to whether this information is being offered willingly or hesitantly, for the first time or with trepidation and use these cues as indicators to keep going or back off. Listen especially hard for anything that might require more expertise than you bring to the conversation.
Try: Conduct and thirty-minute “interview” where the only thing you do is ask questions of the other person. Keep your questions brief and to the point—a single sentence should do it most of the time. Have a starting point—the person’s time in the military or in college or growing up in a small town. Listen and follow up with another question. Do not make comments or observations. There are two words you may not use in your questions: “I” and “me.” This discussion is exclusively focused on the other person. See if you can keep it there.
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BRIDGING QUESTIONS
Bridging questions connect with people who are wary, reluctant, hostile, distant, or menacing. These questions begin by getting people talking, in hopes of establishing rapport, perhaps even trust. These questions may work subtly and over time. They are framed to encourage and reinforce. They are deliberate, and at times manipulative. They can be questions without question marks.
The Comforter: I like your shoes. Where did you get them? You’re a Giants fan—what do you think of the season so far? Start out by establishing a rapport. Hit the pleasure center in the person’s brain by making reference to an interest you share or an expertise you acknowledge in the other person. Express respect and validate where appropriate. Start with questions that may have nothing to do with the topic at hand. Then work your way to the harder questions.
The Reward: That’s interesting. I never thought of it that way before. Affirm or express the other person’s point to validate and encourage further conversation. Use a short affirming phrase that does not actually endorse the other person’s behavior or belief. A lot of people feel that way. People given a reward will often unconsciously return the favor. Rewarding what someone just said may encourage more information or discussion.
The Question Without a Question Mark: Tell me more. Explain that to me. These “questions without question marks” turn a question into a request. Saying “tell me more” sends a signal of acknowledgment and validation because you have, in essence, accepted the predicate of what that person just said. You want to learn more. Wary people may feel isolated and unappreciated. Expressing interest and requesting explanation can frame the issue as legitimate rather than as a point of contention or accusation.
The Echo: It was SHOCKING? You fed TWO HUNDRED people? You say he HUMILIATED you? These questions are exclamation points and question marks rolled into one. They are a product of careful listening. They echo a single word or phrase you just heard that suggests a significant observation or experience. They almost always prompt the person to whom they are directed to pause, go deeper, and explain further. If you hear something surprising, significant or new, or if you hear a word that holds surprise or emotion, echo it back, without comment or embellishment.
The Reinforcer: Is this what we’re talking about? Is this what you mean? Reinforcing questions seek to validate and draw out. In posing the question, you acknowledge the other person’s stated or unstated sentiments. If your child says, “It’s not fair that my brother gets a bigger allowance,” a reinforcing questioner would not ask, “Is that why you stole the money?” Instead, the questioner might say, “You think we favor your brother. Is that what we’re talking about? Is that what we’re talking about?” Experts say you’re more likely to get more of a response and an accurate statement of the facts (even a confession) with this technique.
Listen: Because bridging questions reach across a chasm of suspicion, listen for information or for references that offer clues as to why someone is angry, alienated, or aggrieved. Listen for detail, description, and mood. Listen for expressions of wariness, blame, references to others, attributes and expressions of power or menace. Listen for shards of information you can build on, one small piece at a time. That’s how you build the bridge.
Try: Put together a list of ten questions you would ask a person who is distant or wary. Design your questions purely to get the person talking. Ask about the weather, things you observe, the music in the distance, anything that might represent a common thread. Start with open-ended questions. How are you doing? What’s going on? Be prepared to listen and make eye contact. Find someone to ask—your rebellious teen, a resentful cousin or the homeless lady you walk past every day. Remember, you’re aiming for conversation, not for miracles. You build this bridge one question and one answer at a time.
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CONFRONTATIONAL QUESTIONS
Confrontational questions are in-your-face questions. They accuse. They call to account. Ask these questions when someone has done something wrong. Confrontational questions may not produce a willing response, but they establish a record and they force an issue. They make a point, often publicly.