“Pigcunt! Aaaoojojojoj! … You’ve gone wild!”
“Now Holger, calm yourselfl How many hectoliters of soap would it take to wash your mouth out?!”
At this point I took a wankbreak, then resumed the interrogation. “You had a book on you when you were picked up.”
“Mmm.”
“It’s in a foreign language, the title seems to be The Compleat Child Molester. What does that mean?”
“Imitation of Christ.”
“I see. But how do you explain the fact that you’ve got a lot of teeth here that are exactly like the teeth of the one who committed this crime?”
“I didn’t do it, lovey, I swear it on Holy Simon’s hanky.”
He spent the night, and we kept that boy of his leashed up in a fuckcubby. But that evening, one of the kids he’d attacked, a boy named Urban, just like myself, screamed when he saw that singer Lasse Berghagen making a fool of himself on TV: “That’s him! He’s the one who was mean to us!” And the other kids all said the same thing. But Lasse had an alibi, so it was either someone who looked just like him or someone who was wearing a mask. When it came time to identify Holmlund, the kids were terrified, but they all agreed that he was too old to be the culprit.
“He was even younger than you,” they said in chorus and laughed at me.
So Holger wandered out into the fresh June morning a free man. I tried one last time to appeal to his pride.
“Can’t you just go ahead and confess?” I said at the exit.
“Things to do and places to be, Ubbe! I’d just love to, but I don’t have the time.”
“Oh, come on, Holger, what harm would it do, you’re the last of your old rotten line …”
“There are more of us than you think.”
“But you’re the vilest man I’ve ever met or heard about.”
“Flattery will get you nowhere.”
“Clearly not. But would you tell me something that I’ve been wondering?”
“Mmhm?”
“How come everyone but gypsy Allan Schwarz calls you Grandpa?”
“Well, I mean, I’m the Grandpa, after all.”
With that he toddled away, and sunbeams licked his neckdown and the pollen swirled around his gangly form. And what do you know, a dumpsterdiver found a guttapercha Lasse Berghagen mask in a bin for those who don’t have what it takes to lead a normal life. It’s located in central Kusmark. The only thing the lab was certain of, in the end, was that whomever had used the mask had probably had fingers.
One time Holmlund was caught redhanded emptying a kid-dietrap in a playground in Ersmark. But he swore up and down that he was just happening by, when he got curious about what in tarnation the trap could be. He was horrible to children, but it took quite a few years before the folk in town got suspicious of him. One Midsummer’s Eve, it must’ve been in the fifties, the geezers of Hebbers organized a kiddieparty with a fishingpond, an Indiantrail, a mobcourse, and electroplay. However, there were certain irregularities. One smallfry was so impressed by mancock that he cut his mama with a pair of scissors right in her whore-cunt, another kept on about how God was a little dopefiend, and a pair of twins disappeared without a trace in the tunnelofhorrors. Holmlund was pretty brilliant, in his way. He was so devilishly clever, he knew how to dandle a boy on his knee and slowly increase the tempo until they were, you know, riding the cockhorse. He’d gradually he’d let his pole glide in, and they’d never even notice a thing. But a couple of parents sensed that something was amiss: the geezers seemed happy, the children were shouting, and the mothers and fathers were downing free booze — but wasn’t it really carrion chuckling, stillborns screaming, and corpseeaters swilling the foamy brew? The children were redeyed and pantingtoo heavily, and those who walked the Indiantrail came back with a grownup’s worldweary gaze and voices gone thin. So a couple of loudmouth gossipcunts kept an extra eye on Holmlund and his closest cronies, Eilert and Wolrad. Wolrad was sullen and stupid and lived to tangle and tussle. He was obese and obscene, dimwit — ted but quicktempered. He was in charge of the tunnelofhorrors. He got his, though, in the end. Fucked a two-year-old tyke in the mouth, foaming with rage all the while. The little shaver survived and tattled and he’s a policeman ‘iere in Skellefteå to this day. Wolfrad was sent to the nuthouse, where he committed suicide by driving an electricwhisk, which he’d managed to smuggle in, up his hiney, at which point he bled to death. Holger, Eilert, Henning, Herbert, Hilding, Larry, Hardy, and Tony all knew enough to pretend shock and outrage, so that they could escape punishment themselves.
Well I remember how Holger looked and sounded when I broke the news to him. He was even paler than usual and was weepy as an orgasm.
“My Nordic brain just can’t wrap itself around the fact that Wolrad could behave in such a despicable way toward an innocent child.”
“So it’s certain that you don’t know anything else about the matter?”
“Just as certain as the sun rises in the north.”
None of the men could be convinced of his guilt. But the sexual-offense wasn’t the only serious charge. For example, Holger was cited several times for the persecution of minorities. I sat down with him a couple of years later, when he came sauntering in on a charge that he’d been trying to instigate a pogrom.
I’m reading directly from the interrogation report:
“So, Holger… perhaps you know why you’re here?” “You call, I come a-runnin’, massa.”
“Stop right there! Now, a pious little auntie called in and told us that you were bragging outside Bauta Gym in Kusmark about how you bathed in Jewblood during the war and how much you’d like to relive those good old evil days.”
“What?! You think I have anything against Jewdevils? Me, who’s always preached circumcision and bloody offerings! Besides, one of the best lovers I’ve ever had was a hooknosed, curlyhaired kosherslaughterer, whateverthefuck his name was.”
“You’re supposed to have said that they should be roasted in their own fat.”
“All I might’ve said about Jeeeews, is that they’re nice and greasy. . Shit, I got my Weltanschauung from Lukåcs, Jiminy Cricket, and Marcuse!”
“Here’s the deal, Holger. If we get another report that you’re threatening the inferior races with beatings and gassings, we’ll have to set you straight in court, that’s just the way it is. Agda Meir isn’t the first we’ve heard from.” “Lots of people are envious that I’ve got the gift of gab, the eyes of a serpent, and the body of a mannequin.” “You’ve sworn to call down sorrow and damnation on everything from Samis to niggers, and a lot of it reminds me of that German character… you know… ummm… what the hell’s his name…”
“Heini Hemmi?”
“That’s the one … but what I wanted to say is that you have to hold your tongue about how the swarthyhost must be exterminated, and so forth, because this here is a Free Church district, and people have enough trouble just keeping their privates clean …”
Otherwise, Holger Holmlund was usually too drunk and horny to give a damn about politics and religion. As to drugs, we never could pin anything on him when it came to moonshine and dope. If I call to mind all the fruidess accusations against and investigations of Holmlund, it’s striking how skillful he was at squirming his way out of them — there were hardly ever any reliable witnesses and he usually had someone whod vouch for him. If nothing else, Henning Sjöström always backed him up. If we just take the second half of the sixties, we have: Sex with a minor … pettytheft … misappropriation of movi-estarphotos … misuse of difficult words … coitusinterruptus … exposing a slackcock … serving foreign spiritual powers … subversion … scootertheft … prankcalling … arson … genocide … needless neediness … badmouthing popularlyelectedofficials … elitism … enginetampering … murderfucking … unlawful giggling … scandalous braggadocio … blasphemy … bestiality … disturbing the peace of the grave … cannibalism … serious assault … incest … loquaciousness … failure to commit suicide … sex with the overaged … drunkenness … melancholy … lightheartedness … hermaphroditism … failure to move beyond the analstage … indigestion … hightreason … making rudegestures at the grievanceofficer … violentresistance … poorgrooming … instigation of Satantic sadism … possession of a forbidden analstimulator … massmurder …