Maybe deep down it was pity—shame, but I promised myself I would never forgive her until she completely acknowledged and understood how she’d almost wrecked my little sister for life, how she’d singlehandedly damaged her, leaving me to repair what little I could.
Chapter 2.5
Jonathan
Summer 1995
I sighed as I twisted the door handle to our trailer, slowly stepping inside.
“Where the fuck have you been?” My mom sat up and took a long drag of her cigar. “It’s three in the afternoon and you’ve been gone all day.”
“I was at school.”
“Oh, right. Well, could you go back there and shut your sister up? She’s been screaming all day and I can’t get any sleep. All she ever fucking does is cry.”
I looked down the hallway and noticed that once again, the door to me and Hayley’s room was locked so she couldn’t get out.
“Can you sign this?” I pulled a paper out of my backpack and handed it to her. “Pre-K starts next week. You have to bring that form next Monday so she can go.”
“Ugh, god, Jonathan! One thing at a damn time! Can you do what I asked you to do first? Can you shut that girl up please?” She threw the paper onto the floor and curled into a ball. “How can you expect me to sign paperwork when she’s back there screaming her lungs out? Get the hell out of my face.”
I realized that I was going to have to pull out one of her old checkbooks again and forge her signature. I was also going to have to come up with one hell of an excuse because I knew she wouldn’t show up for Hayley’s first day of school.
She never did anything for Hayley.
Before I could make it down the hall, a beer can hit me square in the back. I turned around and saw my father taking a seat on the couch next to my mom.
“There’s more of that in the fridge boy,” he said. “If you can’t get her to shut up, just give her some of that and she’ll be out in twenty minutes. It worked like a charm yesterday.”
I stared at the two of them for half a second, wishing that I would wake up from this nightmare any second, that they would go back to being who they used to be; but I knew it wouldn’t happen. They’d been this way for the past couple years and there was no going back.
Untwisting the doorknob to my bedroom, I slipped inside and saw Hayley hugging a pillow to her chest, rocking back and forth. She hadn’t noticed that I’d stepped in and she was still crying, screaming. “Let me out please, Mommy! Let me out please!”
At four years old, she was a lot smaller than other kids her age, and even though she was the spitting image of my mother, she was the only person in my family who had blond hair. She hadn’t always cried so much, but that was back when she actually got attention from my parents. As soon as she turned three, their interests went elsewhere and she cried for their attention all the time.
“Stop crying, Hayley.” I walked over and scooped her into my arms. “It’s okay, it’s okay.”
“Johnnie?” She looked up at me in tears. “You left me...”
“I’m sorry.” I patted her on the back. “I had to go to school, but I’m here now.”
“But you go to school every day...Why?”
I sighed and held her close, consoling her until she stopped sobbing. I looked behind me and noticed that she hadn’t wet the bed today—a good thing because I hadn’t stolen any quarters this week and I didn’t feel like walking to the Laundromat in the rain.
When I was sure she was okay, I rummaged through my backpack and pulled out what I’d saved from my school lunch: Two apples, smashed macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and a turkey sandwich—practically a gourmet meal for us.
“I got you something special today.” I handed her the last Ziploc bag—something I’d stolen from my math teacher, and she squealed and emptied it onto the bed.
“Strawberries!” She grabbed a handful and stuffed them into her mouth.
“Slow down. One at a time before you choke.” I waited until she withdrew three of them from her jaw. “Did you watch anything good on TV today?”
“Sesame Street...But I’seen it before. I knew all the songs! Cookie Monster played the drums!”
“That sounds great. Which song was your fav—”
“Thank fuck you got her to shut up!” My father barged into the room. “That girl isn’t going to have a voice by the time she’s ten if she keeps crying like that. Have you seen my car keys?”
“They’re on the TV out there.”
“Right. Well, me and your mom are going out to get some pizza.”
“Pizza?” Hayley’s eyes lit up and she clapped. “Pizza!”
He nodded and bent down to pinch her cheek. “What type of pizza do you want, Hales?”
“Pepperoni! And cheese!”
“Okay. That’s exactly what we’ll get. Jonathan, what type do you want?”
I didn’t answer. I just shook my head.
“Okay, well I hope you like pepperoni and cheese because that’s what Hayley wants and that’s what we’re getting.”
“Ooohhh!” Hayley was still clapping. “I can’t wait! I can’t wait! Can I come with you and mommy, daddy? Can I help pick up the pizza? Please?”
His thin smile faded and he patted her head. “Next time, babe. Okay?”
“Okay...” She seemed saddened, but then she looked up at me and whispered, “We’re getting pizza!”
My dad left the room and Hayley followed him into the living room. She stretched her arms up in the air—waiting for our mother to give her a hug, but she simply looked down at her and said, “We’ll be back, Hayley.”
And with that, they left and slammed the door to our trailer on their way out.
Sighing, I went back into our room and picked up the Ziploc bags, placing them into the refrigerator. I knew they would come in handy later tonight.
“I love pizza, Johnnie. Don’t you?” Hayley sat on the couch and looked out the window. “It’s my favorite!”
I shook my head and pulled out my homework, looking up every fifteen minutes or so—watching Hayley stare out the window in anticipation of a pizza that was never coming.
After three hours of waiting, she eventually fell asleep. I wanted to carry her back into our room and tuck her into bed, but I didn’t want her to wake up hungry.
“Hayley?” I shook her shoulder. “Hayley, wake up.”
“Did the pizza come?” she murmured.
“No...It didn’t. You need to eat something before bed.” I handed her a plate of microwaved mashed potatoes and macaroni. “Here.”
She scrunched her face and shook her head. “I don’t want it.”
“Now, Hayley. Eat.”
Frowning, she picked up the fork and took small, slow bites. When she finished, she walked over to where I was sitting and grabbed the bright pink sheet I’d given to my mother hours ago.
“E-e-e-meh-meh-oh-oh-reh-yuh. P—re-s-c-ool. Emehreeyuh Puhreyscool?” She looked up at me.
“Emory preschool.”
“E-mor-y pre-school.” She repeated and her eyes lit up. “I’m going to pre-school, Johnnie?! I’ll read really really good if I get to go!”
“We’ll see...”
“That means yes!” She jumped up and hugged me. “Oh, I can’t wait! I can’t wait!”
I forced a smile and decided to change the subject. I didn’t want to get her hopes up.
“Let’s watch a movie, Hayley.” I reached for her hand. “Which one do you want to watch?”
“Cinderella!”
“Okay.” I walked her back into our room and tucked her underneath the covers. Then I hooked up the VHS player and put in the movie, waiting for her to fall asleep.
She sang along to every song, encouraging me to sing along as well, and since I knew all the words from the millions of times we’d watched it before, I tried not to sound too terrible.
As the evil stepmother locked Cinderella away in the attic, she rolled over to face me. “I got a question, Johnnie...”