“That can’t be a child!” Tessa said. “Does he have a beard?”
“Thor comes from a long line of lumberjacks and pro wrestlers … and that’s just the women in his family. He’s brutally strong and psychotically violent, to boot. I was going to give him a code name, but when your parents name you Thor, you really can’t do better than that.”
Thor punched a wall and it came down in a mighty explosion. He smiled and took a bow as if he’d just done a magic trick. Then he grabbed the rolling basketball and popped it with one squeeze.
Beneath her mask, Miss Information was beaming proudly. She had a great team, and Tessa would make it complete. Plus, Tessa was exactly what she needed to lure her enemies into the open. And when they came, she would crush them like bugs.
“Tessa, I can give you powers like I gave them.”
Tessa cringed. “Just like them?”
“Slightly less gross. I hope,” Miss Information said. “I know you have your doubts, but no one has given these kids a chance in this world. They need someone like you—someone with your unique ability to motivate. They need a leader.”
“I don’t want my dad to get hurt. I just don’t want him to be president anymore.”
“Understood.”
“OK, I’m in,” Tessa said.
“Fantastic! Welcome to the Brotherhood of Unstoppable Liars, Lowlifes, and Intimidating Enemies of Society!”
“That’s what you want to call us?” Tessa muttered. “Shouldn’t it be something scary and intimidating?”
“How about if we just call you the BULLIES?”
“The BULLIES,” Tessa said, savoring the name like a spoonful of ice cream. “I like it.”
“Muffin?” Miss Information asked, offering another treat from her tray.
This time Tessa picked a muffin and took a bite.
TOP SECRET DOSSIER
CODE NAME: BREEZY
REAL NAME: NIGEL PUNJAB
YEARS ACTIVE: 2005–09
CURRENT OCCUPATION: OWNER OF NIGEL’S HOUSE OF NICETIES
HISTORY: NIGEL’S FAMILY OWNED A
VERY POPULAR INDIAN RESTAURANT
SPECIALIZING IN SPICY DISHES
OF LENTILS, POTATOES, AND
CAULIFLOWER. SO NIGEL HAD
INTENSE AND OFTEN FRIGHTENING
GASTRIC ISSUES. IN FACT, THE BOY
WAS SO GASSY, HE BARELY NEEDED
ANY NANOBYTES TO ENHANCE AN
ALREADY POWERFUL POOT. HE WAS
AN INVALUABLE MEMBER OF THE
TEAM, SINGLE-HANDEDLY STOPPING
THE INFAMOUS FLOWER POWER
CRIMINAL RING. NIGEL
RETIRED SHORTLY AFTER
HIS FAMILY CLOSED THE
RESTAURANT AND OPENED
A HALLMARK CARD STORE.
UPGRADE: BREEZY’S UPGRADES
TURNED HIS ALREADY FORMIDABLE
FARTS INTO HOUSE-LEVELING BLASTS
OF WIND AND STINK. MANY OF HIS
FARTS WERE CAPABLE OF REACHING
AN F2 LEVEL ON THE NATIONAL
WEATHER SERVICE’S TORNADO RATING.
Ruby woke the next morning with her parents and baby brother hovering over her bed. They looked sweaty and nervous. Even Truman the dog looked anxious. He buried his furry head under her blanket.
“They’re here,” her mother whispered. She looked terrified.
Ruby could hear someone pounding on the front door.
“Who?”
“Our family,” she said. Her father pressed a finger to his lips. “Be quiet. They’ll hear you and come after us.”
“They’re early! I haven’t finished the bathroom schedule or color-coded the snacks!” Ruby whispered.
“They took us by surprise.” Her father was actually whimpering. His panicked eyes darted from the door to her windows.
Ruby heard someone knocking on the back door.
“Just stay quiet, and maybe they’ll go away and come back later,” he said.
Without warning, a mob appeared outside Ruby’s window and gaped at her family. They smiled and laughed and tapped on the glass.
“Surprise!” they cried.
Ruby’s mother cringed and opened the window.
“You’re early,” she said.
“We couldn’t stand to wait another second,” said Grandma Rose.
“Oh, Ruby, you’re so grown up!” said Aunt Suzi.
“Hey, Rubester! What grade are you in now?” Uncle Kevin shouted.
“Sarah, you look like you’ve put on some weight.”
“I hope whatever we’re eating tonight is kosher.”
“Can we come inside? I gotta use the can.”
“I have to get out of these shoes.”
“I call the bathroom for the next half hour.”
“Sarah, I noticed a Christmas tree in the window but not a menorah.”
Aunt Laura poked her head through the window. “Francis, you are celebrating Christmas, right? It’s not just the candles and the little wooden tops this year?”
“Laura, they’re called dreidels,” Ruby’s father said. “And yes, we celebrate Christmas. We also celebrate Hanukkah.”
“Of course you celebrate Hanukkah!” Grandpa Saul chimed in. “Who needs a holiday that is only one day long? Hanukkah lasts eight days! It’s simple math. More presents, right?”
“Yes, every kid in the world dreams of a handful of stale chocolate coins,” Aunt Suzi said.
“All right, let’s not start the Battle of the Best Holiday. You’ve only been here five minutes,” Sarah said.
“Technically, we’re not here until you let us inside,” said Cousin Finn.
Ruby’s family shared a brief but conspiratorial look that said, We could just close the window and go back to bed, but then Sarah flinched.
“Of course. Come around to the front door and we’ll let you in,” she said.
“Traitor,” Ruby grumbled.
“At least you get to go to school,” Sarah said. “Your father and I took the day off to get everything ready. Now we’re stuck.”
“We all need to work together. Mom, call the deli on Hamilton and get some bagels and lox over here for breakfast. When you’re done, start pouring coffee and juice. Dad, I need you on pancake duty.”
“OK. Where’s the batter?”
“The cabinet over the stove, second shelf, next to the flour. Blueberries are in the crisper, bottom shelf of the refrigerator. Syrup is in the condiment caddy on the door. If you get lost, there are charts posted everywhere, or you can check the family guide I made that’s attached to a chain swinging from a kitchen table leg. I’m on toilet paper duty. If Grandpa Saul called dibs on the bathroom, we need to be prepared. Truman and Noah, you’ve got the toughest job of all—you have to be cute. Turn on the adorable, and maybe everyone will forget how much they can’t stand one another. Any questions?”