“No, not yet,” I answer with contentment, the thought of eating or pissing or anything else not even crossing my mind.
She holds out her arms. “Okay, pass him over and go and see to yourself.”
As I assess Lucy’s outstretched arms, a moment of panic washes over me at the thought of letting Brayden go.
Returning my gaze back to my beautiful little boy, I politely decline. “No, really, I’m fine.”
“Hey,” she says softly while placing her finger on my jaw to turn my face in her direction. “It’s alright, this is me; your sister. I promise I won’t let anything happen to him while you’re gone. Just go, take a quick breather, get something to eat then come back.”
Debating whether or not I should leave him, I reluctantly pass Brayden over to her, and almost instantly a sensation of loss fills me. Not only are my arms now cold, but I experience a reaction of incompleteness, feeling somewhat unsettled and powerless. Fuck! Is this what fatherhood feels like? Helpless and vulnerable?
I lean down and kiss Brayden on the forehead then check to see that Alexis is still sleeping soundly. “Okay, but I’m only going for some coffee and the loo. I’ll be right back.”
“I’ll have a skinny latte, no sugar.”
‘Skinny latte’, I mumble to myself as I jog out the door and toward the cafeteria on the ground level.
After what seems like the longest fifteen minutes of my life, I quietly open the door to Alexis’ room. Carrying two coffees and a hot white chocolate on a tray, I walk in to find Alexis wide awake and Brayden happily breastfeeding. Lucy is sat by her bed, pushing buttons on her phone and looks to be typing what Alexis is saying.
“Six pound two and 47cm long. Born at 11:14 a.m.,” she finishes.
“Thanks,” Lucy offers. “Nic likes details.”
Alexis looks up as I walk swiftly toward her and Brayden. “Hey, Daddy, where have you been?”
Worried that she might be disappointed in me for leaving them, I quickly place the drinks on the bench-top by the window and make my way to her side, kissing her forehead and gently stroking Brayden’s temple. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave. I needed—“
“Bryce, it’s alright. You can take a few moments to get a drink. We are fine, see? Look, he’s such a good feeder.”
I watch him contentedly suckling away and it’s one of the single most beautiful sights I’ve witnessed. Guilt briefly sweeps through me at the thought of telling him to give up his food source after only six months. Alexis’ breasts now belong to him and he can have them for as long as he needs.
“I hope you are not planning a reduced leasing term where your agreement with our son is concerned,” Alexis warns.
I chuckle. “No, Hunny, I was just thinking quite the opposite.”
“What are you two talking about?” Lucy asks as she gets up and fetches the drinks.
“Nothing,” I advise, wanting my secret daddy’s business to remain just that—secret daddy’s business.
Passing me my coffee and Alexis her white chocolate, Lucy flippantly responds, “Fair enough.”
“Now, I’ve spoken to Mum and Dad, Bryce,” Alexis says as she gently changes Brayden to feed from one breast to the other. “They are on their way here, together with Jen. Rick and the kids are also on their way. Jake and Johanna will visit us when we are back at home as Jake is currently on a run to Brisbane. Um...Carly and Derek are coming in tomorrow for a quick visit. And Tash, Lil, Jade, and Steph will also probably visit when we are back at home.”
“Right,” I state, dubiously. “Alexis, I’m not sure you should have all these visitors so soon? Is it safe for Brayden to have so many people around him? He needs to get stronger first, build up immunity or something. I’m sure I read that somewhere.”
“Visitors are fine, providing they are not sick. I’m sure none of our family and friends would visit if they were under the weather in any way, shape, or form.”
I smile half-heartedly at her attempt to ease my mind, all the while thinking that I will now have to go gather some of those surgical masks. The last thing I want is some germy fucker sneezing or coughing or even breathing on my baby boy.
Alexis sits Brayden upright and places his tiny head in the palm of her hand, her fingers spreading out on both sides of his cheeks. The position she has him in puffs his already puffy cheeks even more—he looks so bloody cute.
She starts gently patting and rubbing his back. “Here, do you want to burp him? I need to pee.”
“Sure,” I answer hesitantly, as I sit on the bed.
Replacing her hands with my own as she passes Brayden over, I proceed to mimic what she had just been doing; lightly holding his face and patting his back. He lets out a teeny little burp.
I laugh. “You get that from Mummy.”
“He does not,” she complains in defence.
“Yes, he does.”
“I burped so much during my pregnancy because of all that hair,” she says as she strokes his fair baby wisps.
“I still don’t believe it. Babies having hair cannot make you burp,” I repeat. Although, I must admit, he does have a decent head of hair.
“Yes, they can, Bryce,” Lucy chimes in.
“Thank you, Luce,” Alexis adds as she readjusts her breasts while wincing.
I notice the obvious discomfort on her face. “What’s wrong?”
“My milk isn’t properly ‘in’ yet so feeding kinda hurts,” she explains, “Actually, it borders on downright painful.”
Appearing to be in the middle of typing a text message, Lucy adds to the conversation. “She needs Lansinoh, Bryce.”
“Yes, Miss Know-it-all, I’m fully aware of what Lansinoh is. It’s in her bag.”
Lucy pokes her tongue out at me and jumps up. “I’ll get it—“
“No, it’s fine. I’ll get it,” Alexis interrupts. “I need to freshen up anyway. I’m going to have a shower.”
“Do you need any help?” I offer.
“No. I’ll be fine. I’ll yell out if I do.”
I lower my voice so that my smug little sister cannot hear. “Am I doing this right?” I ask, indicating my method of burping.
Alexis gently brushes her lips across mine. “Yes, you’re doing just fine, Daddy. In fact, you’re perfect.”
Later that day, I watch Brayden being passed around to person upon person, and I really don’t like it—I don’t fucking like it at all.
First he is handed to Maryann, then Graeme, then Jen. Soon after, he is Lucy’s arms followed by Nic’s. Then—of course—Nate and Charli want a cuddle and, as if she hasn’t just cuddled him for a good part of the afternoon, Maryann has him once again. Watching what reminds me of ‘pass the fucking parcel’, I start to get highly irritated, but it’s not until he is passed to Rick, that I can no longer hold back and bite my tongue.
Seeing Brayden in that fucker’s arms makes me feel murderous, bordering on fucking insane, and feeling that at any moment my head will spin around on my shoulders—exorcist style—I finally put an end to all the show and tell.
“Okay,” I voice after a minute or two of Brayden being in Rick’s arms—a minute or two too fucking long. “I think Mum and baby need a rest. It’s been a long day. You are all more than welcome to go back to the hotel and stay. Abigail will make sure you are well looked after.”
I gently pry Brayden from Rick’s arms and hold him close, protecting him from any further man-handling. He yawns and starts searching for his food source.
“He’s due for a feed anyway,” Alexis announces.
“And his first bath,” a midwife adds, as she enters the room. “Visiting hours are about to close.”
Straightaway, I like this midwife. This midwife deserves a raise, or a promotion, or an employee of the month award. In fact, I make a mental note to look into offering a personal recommendation for that particular reward.