Disciplining a New Baby
During the 1950s and 60s, parents were told to be permissive with their children, and the result was juvenile delinquency, drug abuse, Watergate, Pac-Man, California, etc. So we experts now feel you should start disciplining your baby immediately after birth. At random intervals throughout the day, you should stride up to your baby and say, in a strict voice, “There will be no slumber party for you tonight, young lady.”
You may think this is a waste of time, but scientists have determined that babies as young as three days old can tell, just from the tone of an adult’s voice, when they are being told they can’t go to a slumber party. You should keep up this tough discipline until your child is in junior high school and thus has access to weapons.
Baby-Tending for Men
During the first six months, your baby will need more care than at any other time in its life except the following 30 months. We modern sensitive husbands realize that it’s very unfair to place the entire child-care burden on our wives, so many of us are starting to assume maybe three percent of it. Even this is probably too much. I know I’ll be accused of being sexist for saying this, but the typical man has had his nurturing instincts obliterated by watching professional football, and consequently he has no concept of how to tend a baby. He feels he’s done a terrific job if the baby isn’t stolen by gypsies. You’d get better infant care from an affectionate dog.
But men keep reading articles in the newspaper Style section about how they’re supposed to help. So what happens is the family goes to, say, a picnic, and on the way the man, feeling magnanimous, says, “I’ll take care of the baby, honey. You just relax and enjoy yourself.” So they get to the picnic, and the husband, feeling very proud of himself, tends to the baby by poking it affectionately in the stomach every 45 minutes on his way to the cooler for a new beer. Between pokes the wife comes over maybe 35 times to change the baby’s diaper, feed it, cuddle it, arrange its blanket, put the pacifier back in its mouth, brush enormous stinging insects off it, etc.
On the way home, the man remarks on how easy the baby is to take care of, how it hardly cried at all, etc., and the woman plunges the red-hot car cigarette lighter deep into his right thigh. This is bad for a relationship.
So what I’ve done, men, is I’ve prepared a little automotive-style maintenance chart for you to follow when you’re in charge of the baby.
Men’s Baby-Maintenance Chart
MAINTENANCE INTERVAL ACTIVITY Every 5 minutes Lean over baby and state the following in a high-pitched voice: “Yes! We’re a happy boy or girl! Yes we are! Watcha watcha watcha!” Every 10 minutes Check all orifices for emerging solids and liquids; wipe and change containment garments as needed Every 30 minutes Attempt feeding and burping procedures Every 60 minutes Examine entire baby surface for signs of redness, flaking, major eye boogers, etc. Every 2 hours Call pediatrician about something
Advice to Women about Babies and Jobs
If you’re like many young mothers who held jobs before childbirth, you face a cruel dilemma: Your family could really use another income, yet you feel strongly that you should stay home for at least the first few critical years.
The solution to this dilemma is to have your baby get a job. Under federal law, it is now illegal for employers to discriminate against any person solely because that person is a baby. And to their surprise, many employers are finding that babies often make excellent employees, the kind who are always at their desks and never make personal telephone calls. In fact, one major corporation now shows all of its financial proposals to a team of handpicked babies: If they cry at a proposal, it is rejected out of hand; if they attempt to eat it, it is sent on to the board of directors.
What kind of job should you seek for your baby? Your best bet is the kind of job that even the most pathetic incompetent can handle:
State legislator
Vice president of anything
Paperweight
Consultant
Clerk in a state motor vehicle bureau
Anything in marketing
Choosing a Pediatrician
You should choose your pediatrician carefully, for his job is to examine your baby, give it shots, weigh it, measure it—in short, to do everything except attend to the baby when it is actually sick. When the baby is sick, either you or your pediatrician will be on vacation. This is an immutable law of nature.
Babysitters
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida at the earliest opportunity.
If no grandparents are available, you will have to rent a teenager. You don’t want a modern teenager, the kind that hangs around the video-game arcade smoking Marlboros and contracting herpes. No, you want an old-fashioned, responsible teenager, the kind who attends Our Lady of Maximum Discomfort High School and belongs to the 4-H Club and wants to be a nun. Even then you don’t want to take any chances. The first time she takes care of your baby, you should never actually leave the house. Drive your car until it’s out of sight, then sneak back and crouch in the basement, listening for signs of trouble. In later visits, as you gain confidence in the sitter, you should feel free to eat sandwiches in the basement, and maybe even listen to the radio quietly. After all, this is your night out!
Safety Tip
Be sure to leave the babysitter a firstaid kit with tourniquet; the phone numbers of the pediatrician, the ambulance, the fire department, the police, the Poison Control Center, all your neighbors, the Mayo Clinic, all your relatives, the State Department, etc; and a note telling her where you are (“We’re in the basement”) and what to do in the event of an emergency (“Pound on the floor”).
Songs for New Babies
One fun thing to do with a small baby while it’s lying around is to sing it the traditional baby songs, the ones your mother sang when you were a baby. The words sometimes seem strange to us now, because your mother learned them from her mother, who learned them from her mother, and so on back to medieval England, when most people had the intelligence of kelp. Here are three of my favorites:
LADYBUG
(Robert Frost)
Ladybug, Ladybug Fly away home
Your children are all burned
They look like charred Raisinets
(Tickle baby under chin.)
HEG-A-LEG MOLLY
(Anonymous)
Heg-a-leg Molly
Daddy’s got a bunting
Why do you sleep so soon?