In a later chapter, I’ll talk about buying toys for your child when it has acquired the conceptual and manipulative skills necessary to break things.
Diapers: Cloth vs. Disposable
At one time, back during the Korean War, most people rejected disposable diapers because they preferred the natural soft feel of cloth. Then it finally began to dawn on people that the natural soft feel of cloth begins to lose some of its charm when it has been pooped and peed on repeatedly.
So now everybody uses disposable diapers. Oh, I realize there are diaper services that come to your house and drop off clean cloth diapers and pick up the dirty ones, but even those diapers are now disposable. The instant the driver is out of sight of your house, he hurls the dirty diapers into the street and drives off briskly.
The only problem with disposable diapers is that they are starting to overflow the world’s refuse-disposal facilities; scientists now predict that if the present trend continues, by the year 1997 the entire planet will smell like the men’s room in a bar frequented by motorcycle gangs. But this is not really as serious as it sounds, because, scientists also believe that several years before 1997 the polar ice caps are going to melt. Also, we could always have a nuclear war. So I would definitely go with the disposable diapers.
Chapter 4. Preparing For Birth
An Important Message about Professional Childbirth-Preparation Terminology
Before you have your baby, you’re going to be dealing with a number of professional childbirth experts, so you ought to know that they all have this very strict rule: when they talk about childbirth, they never use the word “pain.” Granted, this is like talking about the Pacific Ocean without using the word “water,” but the way they see it, if they were to tell you women, in clear language, what is really involved in getting this largish object out of your body, none of you would have babies, and the professional childbirth experts would have to find another source of income.
So they use the International Childbirth Professional Code Word for pain, which is “contraction.” To the nonexpert, a “contraction” sounds like, at worst, maybe a mild muscle cramp, but it actually describes a sensation similar to that of having professional football players smash their fists into your uterine wall. In a “strong contraction,” the players are also wearing skis.
It’s quite natural for you to be apprehensive about the pain of childbirth. I was terrified of it myself, until I did a little research and learned there was no way I would ever have to go through it. So let’s take a thorough, informed, scientific look at this much-misunderstood topic, and maybe we can clear up your concerns, although I doubt it.
Here are two actual diagrams, drawn with the aid of modern medical expertise, showing the insides of a woman just before and just after giving birth. What these diagrams reveal to those of us trained to understand them is that there is an entire baby inside the pregnant woman, and somehow during childbirth it comes out. This is the part that stumps us, because despite all of our modern medical expertise, we frankly cannot see how such a thing is possible. All we really know about it is that it seems to hurt like crazy.
If you’d like more technical details on the childbirth process, I suggest you view one of the many fine prairie dramas on television wherein some pathetic wispy-haired pioneer woman goes into labor during a blizzard in the most god-awful desolate prairie place, such as Kansas. Nothing brings on labor like a prairie blizzard. Women have been known to give birth in prairie blizzards even when they weren’t actually pregnant.
Anyway, on these prairie dramas the pioneer woman lies around moaning and writhing, which should give you an idea of what childbirth is like, except that on television it takes about as long as an episode of “Little House on the Prairie,” whereas in real life it can take as long as “Roots.”
But don’t worry, because later in this chapter we’ll talk about a wonderful new modern natural technique for coping with contractions. I won’t describe this amazing technique right away, because I don’t want you to find out yet that it’s really just deep breathing.
How Your Mother Had Babies, and Why We Now Feel It Was All Wrong
Here is the system that was used for having babies during the Eisenhower Administration: At the first sign of pregnancy, the husband would rush the wife to the hospital, where she would be given modern medical drugs that would keep her from feeling contractions or anything else, including a volcanic eruption in the delivery room. This way the woman felt very little pain. Often she didn’t regain consciousness until her child was entering the fourth grade.
One big problem with this system was that drugs can have adverse effects on the baby, as is evidenced by the fact that every single person born during the 40s, 50s, or 60s is really screwed up. Another problem was that the father had very little to do with the birth. His job was to sit in the waiting room with the other fathers and smoke cigarettes and read old copies of Field and Stream and wonder what the hell was taking so long. When the baby was born, the nurses would clean it up as best as they could and show it to the father, then he’d go home to bumble around and have humorous kitchen episodes until his wife got back on her feet and could resume cooking. This system deprived the husband of the chance to witness the glorious moment when his child came into the world, not to mention all the other various solids and fluids that come into the world with the child.
So today we have a much better childbirth system. Federal law now requires the man to watch the woman have the baby, and the woman is not allowed to have any drugs unless she agrees, in writing, to feel guilty. In some ways, we’re back to the old prairie method of baby-having, only we do it in modern hospitals, so the husband doesn’t have to boil water. All the water-boiling is now done by trained health-care professionals for about $65 a gallon.
Choosing a Hospital
The most important thing to remember in choosing a hospital is that there must be no Dairy Queen between it and you. Medical science has been unable to develop a way to get a pregnant woman, even in the throes of labor, past a Dairy Queen without stopping for a chocolate milk shake. This could waste precious time on the way to the hospital. Even worse, the woman could start having the baby right there in the Dairy Queen, with nobody to help her except her husband and various teenage Dairy Queen employees all smeared with butterscotch and wearing those idiot hats.