“You’re coming,” he said with the same sickeningly confident smile he’d been sporting since he’d walked in the front door.
“No, I’m not, Hawk. Christmas is family time.”
“And you have no other family, so my mother has decided to adopt you,” he told her. “Besides, she’s invited a few other friends. The holidays are about more than just family being together. It’s a time to leave no one out.”
Natalie turned away, pretending to wipe dust from the spotless end table as tears forced their way into her eyes. Dammit, she was always crying now, like some sappy twit, and she sure as sin didn’t want to expose her vulnerability where family was concerned. Her relationship with Hawk had been moving at the speed of light, and she felt overwhelmed.
To hear him say so casually that his mother had adopted her choked her up. But she was never going to admit to anyone how badly she wanted to be part of a real family. It would make her sound too desperate, too pathetic.
“Hey? What’s wrong?”
Hawk came up behind her, slipped his arms around her waist, and tugged her against him. Great. Having him touch her certainly wouldn’t help her gain control over her wretched emotions.
Despite all her efforts, a damned tear fell. They hadn’t spoken of the future. They hadn’t talked about a happily-ever-after. She hadn’t told him how she felt about him.
“Nothing. I’m just . . .” She was just what? She had no freaking idea.
“I’m not demanding that you come with us,” he said softly, his breath washing across her cheek. “I’m asking you to please make this Christmas my best one ever, and join us.”
How could she tell him no after that? “Okay,” she whispered.
“Why is this so hard on you?” he asked again, this time making her face him.
Natalie suddenly needed to speak about it, needed to release the weight from her shoulders. He said nothing more as he waited, his hands caressing her arms and back. She could do this.
“I . . . it was always just me and my mother while I was growing up. She had me when she was only fifteen, and I grew up in shelters, and then she worked hard and got us a little apartment. Mom worked all the time, I mean like seven days a week. Even working so much, we never had enough—not enough food, clothes, not enough to pay the bills. Mom told me over and over again not to mess up like she’d done, not to fall for a guy who would walk away at the first sign of trouble. She told me to go to school, get an education, and get a good job. She was bitter a lot, but she did love me.”
“I’m sure she loved you very much,” he whispered when she paused for too long.
“She did,” Natalie sighed. “She did the best she could. But I had no family, Hawk. I had no one but her and she was gone so much. We didn’t do holidays; we didn’t celebrate much. I feel like I’m betraying her by enjoying my life.”
“You feel that way because you are kind and caring. But, Natalie, if she truly loved you, she would want you to be happy. Don’t all parents want better for their children than what they had for themselves?”
“I don’t know, Hawk . . .” Would her mom forgive her for straying from her goals? She honestly didn’t know.
“I know I want my kids to be happy,” he said.
“Do you have some secret children you’ve been hiding from me, Hawk?” She smiled up at him, trying so hard to quit her self-pity party.
“It’s not that easy to divert my attention, Natalie. Let my family love you. Don’t feel guilt about it, and don’t feel sadness. Just let us love you.”
When he said us, her heart leapt with joy. But what exactly did he mean by it? The question was on the tip of her tongue, but she wasn’t brave enough to ask—not yet, not now. After an extended silence, Natalie was relieved when he asked whether she needed help packing. Their talk was over for now, and she’d survived it. She’d shared something with him, and he hadn’t turned away in disgust. There was hope, after all, that the two of them would make this relationship last longer than his three-date maximum.
As they moved through the house, he looked up and smiled. “My family has a cabin up in the woods where we spend Christmas every year,” he told her.
“I’ve never seen a white Christmas,” Natalie admitted, not that she’d ever gotten to celebrate Christmas, not really. “I’m kind of excited, though I still hate the idea of snow on every day other than Christmas.”
“Let’s get your bags in the truck and get up there. You will never miss California again after spending Christmas at our family cabin.”
“I already don’t miss it, Hawk.”
The smile he sent her as he helped her into his truck almost made her heart stop. “Natalie Duncan, I’m not letting you escape.” With that, he closed her door and moved around to the driver’s side, leaving Natalie to wonder exactly what he meant by that.
When they arrived at the cabin a couple of hours later, she learned that her idea of a cabin and Hawk’s idea were completely different. Yes, the building was made from logs, but this place wasn’t some rustic little cabin in the woods. It was enormous! Large enough to house several families and all their friends.
That was a good thing, because when they walked in the door, Natalie found what appeared to be half the town inside. Several dozen people were gathered in the spacious living room, their voices carrying with its high vaulted ceilings. Christmas decorations adorned the walls and eggnog sloshed in everyone’s cup.
No one made a big deal when she and Hawk arrived, for which Natalie was grateful. They just greeted the two of them with eggnog and spoke with Natalie like she belonged. It didn’t take too long for her to grow comfortable and realize this wasn’t a dream. When it came time to go hunting for a Christmas tree, she was thankful she didn’t miss out on joining Hawk and his family and their many friends.
“Are you too cold?”
Natalie entwined her arm with Hawk’s and snuggled a little closer. “A bit, but it’s refreshing. I still can’t believe I’m going to have my very first Christmas with snow!”
“Tell me more about your life in California, more about your life with your mom.”
She’d finally opened up to someone, finally shared a small piece of her past, and now she found herself wanting to share it all. But if he knew the truth, the full truth, wouldn’t that frighten him away? Even with that thought she couldn’t seem to stop herself from speaking. Now that he’d opened the floodgates to her past, the words came rushing out.
“You know that it was just me and my mother and that she worked a lot. So, from the time I was little, I was on my own most of the time. That’s why I loved school, because then I was with other people.”
“Was it miserable?” Hawk stopped and leaned against a large tree, pulling her into the cradle of his arms as he rubbed his hands up and down her back.
“No. The thing was that even though we didn’t have a whole heck of a lot, I wasn’t unhappy. I loved my mom, even during the bad times. I loved what little time we got to spend together. I didn’t need to have the newest pair of jeans, or to go to summer camp. When she died, I was devastated. It took me a lot of years before I felt like I could live again. She did the best she could. . . .”
“You impress me, Natalie.”
“Why?”
“Because you don’t dwell on the bad memories. You even manage to find a way to turn the tough times into positive experiences. You humble me with your attitude.”
“I’m not that noble, Hawk,” she said with an uncomfortable laugh.
“We’ll have to just agree to disagree,” he said before giving her a kiss that melted the snow that was covering them.
chapter
16
I love my family, but they’re a bit overwhelming,” Hawk said later that night as he and Natalie strolled outside, hand in hand.
“Yes, but I honestly enjoy spending time with them. I think your mother and I baked at least five hundred Christmas cookies today,” Natalie said with a laugh as they approached a large red barn.