“You know how I feel.”
“But-”
“I’m sorry,” she said, turning away, heading back toward his mother’s.
And she was. But now she saw through all the romantic notions, that he really hadn’t changed at all, and they really weren’t meant to be.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
SOLEIL PEERED at the of purple paint, trying to decide if the wall needed a fourth coat. Was it her imagination, or was there still the faintest bit of white showing through?
She couldn’t know because she’d been staring at the nursery walls so long, she was nearly cross-eyed.
The sound of the doorbell jarred her out of her puzzlement, and she muttered a curse as she put the paint roller in the pan and headed downstairs.
If it was her mother again, she was going to scream.
But when she opened the door, she found Julia, holding a huge gift basket full of baby things.
“Hi,” Soleil said. “What are you-”
“I’m sorry to drop by like this. I talked to West, and he told me about you two…and I felt so bad. This didn’t seem like a conversation to have over the phone.”
“It’s okay, come in,” Soleil said, her stomach knotting at the mention of West and what he must have told his mother.
That she was evil. That she’d broken his heart. That she’d ruined their baby’s chance to have a nuclear family because she was too much of a selfish, feminist, career-obsessed shrew.
“This is for you.” Julia handed Soleil the basket after she closed the door.
“You really shouldn’t have. Thank you.”
“I couldn’t resist. Now that we know it’s a girl-Oh, Lord, the cute baby-girl stuff out there!”
Soleil smiled. “This is so generous of you. I was just painting the nursery. Would you like to see it?”
“I’d love to.”
Soleil led her up the stairs. When they reached the nursery, she set the basket inside the crib and turned back to Julia.
“So this is it.”
“The color is beautiful. It’s like being inside a jewel.”
“It’s really peaceful, isn’t it? I thought with all the light this room gets, it could handle a dark color.”
“And this crib!”
“West and I picked it out.”
Julia put a hand over her mouth as she admired the mahogany woodwork. Then her expression turned pained as she looked back to Soleil.
“I want you to know that you’re family-we’re family. Whatever has happened between you and West, I know it’s not my business.”
Soleil nodded. “Thank you for saying that.”
“It’s hard raising a baby on your own. I never really had to do it, but I did endure a lot of long deployments being a military wife-sometimes a year at a time-so I know how lonely it can be, and I want to be here for you.”
“That’s very kind of you-”
“I’m not just saying it, Soleil. I’m very serious. I want to be a big part of the baby’s life, if you’ll allow me to be.”
“Of course I will. You’ll be her grandmother.”
Crazy, crazy, crazy, how life twisted and turned. A year ago, Julia was simply a kindly older woman in Soleil’s book group. Now she was someone Soleil would depend upon greatly.
Julia was studying her, looking thoughtful. “I’m not sure if you know this about West, but he tries more than anyone else I know to do the right thing.”
“That’s an admirable trait,” Soleil said evenly, not wanting to get into a discussion of West with his own mother.
Not now, especially.
“I know this is awkward, and I’m not trying to defend him for whatever he’s done to keep the two of you apart, but do keep in mind that his heart is in the best possible place.”
Tears pricked Soleil’s eyes unexpectedly. She nodded, unable to speak without her voice cracking.
Julia gave her a hug and a reassuring pat on the back, and Soleil was grateful for the moment to recover.
Why she was feeling so emotional now, she couldn’t say. Maybe it was hormones, or the impending holidays, or the sadness of knowing she wasn’t going to be able to give her baby the nuclear-family ideal that, for a moment or two, she’d allowed herself to believe might really happen.
Maybe it was more about what she’d secretly longed for as a child, rather than whatever her own child might or might not desire.
“How about a cup of tea?” she finally said, her tone light in a way she hoped didn’t sound too forced.
“I’d love that.”
The two women went to the kitchen, and Soleil put on the kettle.
“Is chamomile okay?”
“Perfect,” Julia said as she walked around the kitchen, smiling at what she saw. “This is such a beautiful, cozy place you have.”
“Oh, thanks, I haven’t changed it much. It’s mostly how my grandparents had it, minus the frumpy curtains and stained recliner chair.”
She laughed, shaking her head. “What is it with men and those recliners?”
“I’m surprised my grandfather didn’t take his to the grave with him.”
“Of course not. That would have kept future generations from enjoying it,” Julia said, laughing, as she sat at the kitchen table.
“How’s it going at your ex-husband’s house? I mean, your taking care of him-is it working out okay?”
“It’s…sort of working. I got into an argument about it with West the other day. He doesn’t want me to be there.”
“Must be hard seeing your ex-husband in the state he’s in.”
“It is hard. I don’t think West understands how hard it really is for me, or why I feel responsible for taking care of John now.”
“Why do you?”
She smiled in such a way that it looked as if she was about to frown, and she shook her head. “Because, for a big part of my life, I expected to. Some wedding vows are harder to break than others.”
“Do you ever want to remarry, or have another partner?” Soleil asked, curious about Julia’s real life, the one she didn’t reveal to her son. There had to be more to the woman than the perfect facade suggested.
“Perhaps, if the right person came along.”
The kettle began to whistle. Soleil retrieved it and poured them each a cup of tea, then returned to the table with the cups.
Julia fiddled with the tea-bag string, looking as though she had something to say, but for a while saying nothing. Then, finally, “Can I tell you a rather embarrassing secret?”
“Of course, if you want to.” If Soleil wasn’t mistaken, she’d swear Julia was blushing now.
“Have you ever seen those online-dating sites? The ones with the pictures and personality descriptions and all that?”
“Sure, who hasn’t?”
“I met a man through one of those sites.”
“Julia! That’s great. Who is he?” The whole idea of West’s mom online dating was so incongruous with Soleil’s image of her, she could hardly wrap her mind around it.
“His name is Frank, and he’s retired, working as an artist now. He owns a little gallery in Guerneville, too.”
“Is that where he lives?”
Julia nodded.
Soleil leaned forward, placing her elbows on the table, smiling to indicate she wanted every juicy detail.
“And? Are you two dating? In love? What?”
“No, none of that. The truth is…We e-mailed, and we talked on the phone, and we met a couple of times and I really liked him, but…”
“You lost your nerve?”
She nodded.
“I think it’s so brave of you to try something new, put yourself out there. My own mom has just given up on ever having a relationship again because she’s too disillusioned. But look at you-online dating. That’s the best thing I’ve heard in a long time.”
“Oh, it’s completely ridiculous. Someone my age creating a dating profile. It’s humiliating is what it is.” She was shaking her head, staring at her cup of tea as if she couldn’t even bear to meet Soleil’s eyes.
“No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. You’re applying old-fashioned notions about dating to the contemporary world, and the truth is, everything’s changed. None of those old rules apply.”