Julia looked doubtful. “You’re very sweet to say that, but…”
“How did you leave things with Frank?”
“I’ve ignored all his e-mails and phone calls since our first date.”
“Why don’t you call him and explain you had a case of nerves but that now you’re ready to see him again?”
She shook her head. “It’s not that simple. I…when I heard about John being sick, and needing someone to take care of him…”
“You felt guilty for having fun?”
“I couldn’t let myself be with Frank. It’s hard to explain. I guess, when I was with John, I always imagined us taking care of each other in our old age…”
“It’s incredibly generous of you to help the way you have,” Soleil said, but something shifted inside her. Some essential piece of her well-being had gotten knocked out of place by Julia’s comment, and she felt suddenly uncomfortable.
“Sometimes, I don’t know if I’m being generous or stupid.”
She forced herself to set aside her own discomfort and focus on Julia’s problem.
“John is lucky to have you in his life, but you shouldn’t stop living your own life in order to help him, you know.”
Soleil took a sip of her tea and savored the almost-sweet taste of the chamomile, as the aroma itself had an instant calming effect.
“It was too much to take in all at once-John’s illness, the stress of dating someone new. I suppose I’m getting to be a bit of an old dog who-”
“Oh, stop it! You’re one of the most vibrant, active people I know. You accomplish more than ten people on most days. It was perfectly normal for you to freak out over a first date, though. When’s the last time you dated someone?”
Julia flashed a self-deprecating smile, then winced. “I haven’t really dated in, maybe, eight years. I saw a man briefly, a few years after my divorce, until things fizzled out, but other than that, no one.”
“No wonder you’re scared. You haven’t been on the dating scene since your early twenties, and you introduce yourself to it with online dating? How did that happen?”
“I accidentally clicked on one of those darned pop-up ads while trying to make it go away.”
Soleil couldn’t help it. She laughed out loud.
“Well, good for you,” she said.
Julia rolled her eyes. “And I went and blew it my first time out. Frank must hate me.”
“I doubt it. If he’s a decent guy, he knows how hard it is to find a woman like you. I bet he’d be thrilled to hear from you again.”
“You really think so?”
Soleil placed her hand on top of Julia’s on the table, and said, dead serious, “Do me a favor? Call that man and apologize. Make a date with him, okay?”
The older woman looked doubtful, but she finally said, “I do owe him an apology. Maybe if he’s open to it-”
“He will be.”
“But what man is going to understand that I have to be my ex-husband’s full-time caregiver?”
She squeezed Julia’s hand then. “You don’t have to be. In fact, I don’t think you should be. I think it’s going to eat you alive emotionally.” Soleil normally tried not to be so meddlesome, but this one time, she felt as though she needed to speak the truth.
“Someday you’ll understand-”
“I do understand, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t be there for him at all. I only mean, the job you’re taking on is too big for any one person to handle. You need to step aside and let your sons be responsible for providing their dad’s primary care.”
Julia shook her head. “They’ve all got their own lives, and they’re all so busy-”
“They’ll figure it out. You giving up your life isn’t the right solution. Maybe they’ll find a trustworthy male caregiver who John won’t be able to bully so easily. And you could visit a few times a week if you want, or lend a hand here and there, but really, Julia-”
“Now isn’t the time for me to play the martyr, is it?”
Soleil shook her head, relieved her message was being heard and not dismissed.
“Thank you,” Julia said quietly, sliding her hand out from under Soleil’s and giving it a soft pat. “I came here to offer you help, and you helped me instead.”
“It was nothing. I’m always happy to talk over tea.”
“I’ve got an appointment, so I’d better get going, but I’m so glad we talked,” Julia said, standing up.
Soleil followed her to the door, each step closer to being alone again reminding her of the way she’d felt a few minutes ago, when Julia was talking about caring for her husband in old age.
They said their goodbyes, and Soleil closed the door, watching through the window as Julia went to the car and drove away.
Now the house was completely silent, save for the sound of the ticking antique clock in the living room.
Tick, tick, tick…
Julia’s absence left a gaping hole that was sucking Soleil toward everything she didn’t want to feel.
She walked upstairs to the baby’s room, hoping to distract herself with one final coat of paint. Physical activity would make her feel better, keep her mind off negative thoughts…
In the purple room with the empty crib and the basket of baby gifts, she was sure she’d feel soothed. This was the safe haven she was creating for her baby. This would be the scene of countless happy hours in her future.
Just her and the baby.
Together.
Alone.
They’d have each other, but…
She recalled what Julia had said, about ties that couldn’t be undone, and the ache within her grew more and more unbearable until she couldn’t help but cry.
She sat in the middle of the hardwood floor, put her face in her hands and cried for what she didn’t have.
A partner, a lover, a father, a friend.
A family.
Sure, she and her baby would make a family, and they would love each other. But it would be lonely the same way her own childhood had been lonely, and someday she’d be bitter and alone, the way her mother was bitter and alone.
Yes, she was on the road to becoming her mother, when what she really wanted was to be more like Julia, warm and open and loving.
She was exactly like her mother, whom she couldn’t even share a house with, without having a major fight.
Was she dooming her poor baby girl to the same fate, by not being able to break out of her mother’s mold?
She was crying so hard drool formed a long ribbon from her lower lip to the top of her pregnant belly, and she felt more pathetic than she ever had in her life.
She was alone, feeling sorry for herself, and utterly pathetic.
All she needed now was a whiskey bottle and a penchant for angry poetry, and she could change her name to Anne Bishop Junior.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
JULIA DELETED everything she’d just written. Nothing sounded right.
The main problem was, this wasn’t a matter she should have been handling via e-mail. And the other problem was, she was terrified to call Frank Fiorelli again.
She tried again.
Dear Frank,
I’m so sorry to have ignored your calls and e-mail.
I had a family emergency, and-
No, too stilted.
She ought to pick up the phone and call. Or maybe go to see him.
But it was the day before Christmas Eve, and she didn’t know his address. She knew where his studio was, but would he be there today?
She had to try. If he wasn’t there, at least she could leave a handwritten note to tell him she’d stopped by, which was better than an impersonal e-mail. Yes, that’s what she’d do.
Julia jumped up from her desk chair. If she hurried, she could make it to Guerneville by four o’clock. Then maybe, if Frank wasn’t at his studio, she’d call him and let him know she was in town, see if he wanted to meet for a drink.
Her stomach knotted as she hurried to the bathroom to check herself in the mirror.