That evening, at work, I turned my thoughts over in my mind and scrutinized them, the same way I checked the chips for defects. Ellen Grunwald, I asked myself, can you love a man you don't even know? Do you think you could live with yourself if you had an affair? Would you ever leave Phil and go live with Jean-Michel in the house with the brother and sister-in-law and the horrible niece and the dog with jaws like a dinosaur's? To each of these questions the answer was no. And yet.
At breakfast the next day, Phil asked how the trial had gone, and I said I didn't know because I'd left after giving my testimony. I told him about the dog psychologist, though, and he laughed, and for a second I forgot about Jean-Michel altogether and laughed with him. Then he stood up and took his cereal bowl to the sink and said, “Well, let's hope those people pay.”
“They aren't really all that bad,” I said. “I mean, they're just people.”
Phil just stared me for a second. “You're not serious,” he said, and straightened his tie. “Blister still has scabs.”
“They're almost gone. He doesn't even remember it ever happened.”
Phil put on his suit jacket and shook his head. “What are you talking about? Whose side are you on, anyway?”
“You're right,” I said quickly. “You're right.”
But that afternoon, walking Blister, I went by Jean-Michel's house and he came outside right away, as if we'd planned it. Without speaking, we headed off in the direction of the park, our faces harassed by the cold spring wind. Blister licked Jean-Michel's gloved hand and nosed around his pants pockets for treats. Jean-Michel was wearing that same red Gore-Tex jacket, but the hood was down. His lips were chapped.
At the park I took Blister off the leash, and he bounded off to say hello to Chekhov. “So, what happened at the trial?”
“The judge said that she would waive the insurance requirement, since we had done so much to rectify the situation,” he said. “But the dangerous-dog designation stays. She said, ‘the law is the law.’ ”
“Well, that's true, isn't it?” I said.
Jean-Michel just looked at me. “Let's talk about something else,” he suggested in his soft voice. “Tell me something about yourself that has nothing to do with dogs.”
We sat down on a bench, watching the dogs wag their tails and sniff each other's butts and bark, and I told Jean-Michel about my job in the clean room: how the pink and blue geometry on the surface of chips reminded me of Navajo weavings; and about the sound of the air-filtration system in the middle of the night, how its mechanism was like the hushed breath of the sleeping world, which only I was awake to hear; and about how slowly I had to walk, like a person on the moon. He watched my face and nodded, and I felt everything I knew turn upside down. I didn't want time to pass but I couldn't stop it, and eventually I had to go to work. I called Blister and put him back on the leash. As I was leaving the park, Jean-Michel called out. I turned.
“I said, thank you for being kind, Ellen,” he said. His voice made my name sound like two separate words.
I got off work at four a.m. and there he was in the parking lot, leaning against his car, still wearing the red Gore-Tex. It really was a stupid-looking jacket. I was overjoyed to see him, and scared, too. I thought, This is really going to happen. I was surrendering to the inevitable. I walked right up to him, and he looked as if he wanted to take me in his arms but couldn't. I'd seen that look before, on the Dutchman, when I told him I was engaged.
“You aren't wearing your suit,” he said, gesturing up and down.
I laughed. “That's only in the clean room.”
“I worry about you,” he said. I had the feeling he was stalling for time. “I wonder what is in those chips that you have to wear the suit. What you are being exposed to.”
This made me laugh again, and my laughter had an edge to it. “Jean-Michel,” I said, “it's to protect the chips and keep them clean. It's not the chips that are dangerous. It's the humans. It's us.” In the rawness of the night my eyes were watering. I wanted to kiss him badly, as badly as I've ever wanted anything, even Phil.
“Sweetpea is dead,” he said.
“What?” I said, like an idiot.
“Your husband killed our dog, and my niece is very upset.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Jean-Michel?”
“I don't know so much how it started,” Jean-Michel said. “I guess he gets the call from the animal-control officer, and he is very upset or something, because you know the insurance requirement is waived, and he comes over to the house, saying that the dog is very dangerous and must be insured for the sake of others it could injure, and he has a baseball bat with him, and he starts to hit the dog, and then kick it, and it is attacking him back and howling, and my niece is screaming holy murder, and he hits the dog on the head over and over and kicks it in the stomach also, until it lies quiet and dies.”
The night was dark except for the pale yellow glow of a streetlight. On the other side of the parking lot an early-shift worker clambered out of her car, slow and groggy, and waved. I could not reconcile the Phil of this story with the Phil of my life, yet I didn't doubt that it was true.
“I thought maybe you already knew,” Jean-Michel said.
I shook my head.
“He hasn't been here?”
I shook my head again.
“I'm supposed to be out looking for him, but I came here to see you instead,” he said. “I wanted to see you.”
“What will happen?” I asked him.
“I don't know,” he said.
I thought of Phil on the day he found Blister, how he rolled around with the dog in our backyard, for all the world like two children, and I thought of him on our wedding day, too, how he cradled my face between his two hands and kissed me gently, too gently, and I said, “I won't break,” and made him kiss me again, harder, in front of the minister and everybody. I thought that however much Phil loved Blister, which he did, he would not have exploded into violence over just the dog, and that this is what it means to live for six years with a person who loves you: if you take one step away from that person, even just one step, he knows. He can't stop it, but he knows. Another car pulled into the parking lot. Inside the building someone was stepping into the clean room and looking at the scanner, where the chips rose and presented themselves for inspection, each of them blue and pink and shining, containing in their beauty some remote, possible flaw.
The Tennis Partner
The first time my father played tennis with Frank McAllister, it was a cool, sunny, the-best-of-summer-is-yet-to-come afternoon in the middle of May. The McAllisters had moved to the neighborhood six months earlier, into a three-bedroom, split-level, single-car-garage ranch identical to ours, and joined the tennis club before it even got warm enough to play. As soon as my father saw Frank hitting practice balls in the frigid spring weather, he decided that he'd found a new and noteworthy opponent. Frank was a broad-chested man with short red hair, pale eyebrows and pale legs, and when he played his face turned as red and wide as a beefsteak tomato, the freckles standing out like seeds.
“That guy looks all right,” my father told me, pointing at him unsubtlely with his racket. “Might even pose a challenge.” The thing about my father was that he had no perspective whatsoever on his own game. He thought he was a fair player who compensated for his less-than-stellar fitness with a strong intellectual grasp of the sport. None of this was true, but it took me years to figure it out.
“Please don't ever play with that guy,” is what I said to my father at the time. I recognized Mr. McAllister from a drug and alcohol presentation he'd made at my high school earlier that year. He was a drug counselor and made us all yell slogans back at him—“We're not sheep! We don't sleep!” which had something to do with peer pressure — and showed slides. It was the kind of forty-five minutes that made me dread going to school.