“Show me. Show me how much you enjoyed it.” I know exactly what he’s asking. Now I’m the one running my hand over my stomach and below the waistband of my pants.
“No. Take them off. I want to see you when you touch yourself,” he says. Now he’s the one with the rough voice.
I get up and strip off my bottoms and sit back down on the chair, propping one of my legs up. I’m giving him a full show, but I want to. I’ve never felt sexier than when Sylas is watching me.
I lick my fingers and move them lower, rubbing them just above my clit. I have a routine that’s guaranteed to get me off when I’m alone. It’s going to take even less time with him watching me. I’m close already.
“Fuck, Saige. You’re making me hard again,” he says. My head rolls back and I move my hand faster, pressing harder and harder on my center.
Just a little more…
“Oh God,” I moan, throwing my head back as my body throbs with the orgasm. It goes on so long, I can barely stay in the chair. When it’s over, I nearly melt to the floor in a puddle of post-orgasmic bliss.
I open my eyes to find Sylas working himself again. We could go like this all night long. He comes again and then runs his hand through the cum on his stomach.
“I should probably shower,” he says. “Join me?”
I do, and I come two more times before I fall into bed.
I’m almost glad now when I wake sweating and shaking and crying. It means that another piece of the puzzle is given to me from my own mind. I have to endure the pain to get another bit. A sacrifice for my secret.
I assemble the parts, but they still don’t make a whole. There isn’t a complete picture. There’s only the trunk, my small hand releasing the trunk, blood on a linoleum floor and now scratches on my arms and legs from a prickly bush. Little slashes of red all over my pale skin. I repeat everything in my head so I don’t forget it. I’m still worried that they’ll vanish from my brain if I don’t work hard to remember them.
“Maybe… Maybe you’d want to talk to my therapist? I hate the way that sounds, but it might help,” Sylas says. I know it might, but I don’t want to share this with someone. Not even a professional. I want to be the one to unlock the secrets of my own brain.
“I’ll think about it,” I say as I get up to take yet another shower and rinse off the sweat. This has become my nightly routine and I don’t see it changing anytime soon. Not until I can figure out this entire nightmare and what it means.
Twenty-Four
Over the next few days I finish the drawing of Sylas, which actually turns out okay. He declares that I’m a brilliant artist and I just tell him he’s biased. I slog my way through the rest of my finals. Sylas is usually gone during the day, but he doesn’t tell me what he’s doing. I figure he’s earned the right to keep a little bit of mystery and since he seems happy when he comes home, I don’t bug him to tell me about it.
I redo drinks with Lo on Friday and it’s nice to have some girl time. I’ve missed her. Just as Sylas needs to spend time with his friends, I need to spend time with mine. I make plans to go out with the group the following Friday night to keep checking off the bars on our list. Lo asks if I’m going to bring Sylas and I ask him, but he says that he already has plans with the guys, which makes me happy.
Saturday I get to reunite with Lizzy and it’s every bit as fun as I thought it would be. I don’t think of anything bad when I’m with her. She’s better than any sort of stimulant.
The visit is going perfectly until one of the nurses knocks on Lizzy’s door and says she has another visitor. I give Sylas a look and he doesn’t seem surprised.
“Who is it?” I ask, but then my question is answered as my father walks in the room.
I want to curse and scream at him to get out, but I won’t curse in front of Lizzy, or make a scene.
“What are you doing here?” I say, trying to keep my voice level. He has his hands behind his back and takes only two steps into the room, still hovering near the doorway.
“Hi!” Lizzy says, waving and then going over to him. I reach out to stop her, but Sylas grabs my shoulder and forces me to stay sitting on her bed.
“Did you plan this?” I hiss at him as Dad and Lizzy start talking. He brings out some flowers from behind his back and she squeals in delight. I can’t help but notice the look on his face as he stares at her. Pain and longing mixed together. He’s never looked at me like that.
“He contacted me. I thought it was time and that it might be good for the two of you to talk.” I’m so angry with him for doing this without asking me.
“You should have said something,” I whisper as Lizzy throws her arms around Dad. I don’t like this. I don’t like it at all.
“We’re going to talk about this,” I say to Sylas before getting to my feet and walking behind Lizzy, putting a protective hand on her shoulder.
“What are you doing here?” I say, keeping my voice pleasant and a sweet smile on my face. Good thing I’ve had enough practice pretending I feel one way when I actually feel something completely different. I slip into my old role like putting on a comfortable pair of boots.
His eyes flick down to my hand on Lizzy’s shoulder. That’s as clear a signal as anything.
“I came for a visit. And to talk to you.” Well I sure as hell don’t want to talk to him. He burned that bridge.
I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want to throw my arms around him and hug him like when I was a little girl. Cry and tell him I love him and that I’ll always be his little girl.
But I’m not going to do that.
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I say slowly, making sure my voice doesn’t tremble.
“Hey, Sister, how about we go and see if we can talk one of the nurses into giving you a popsicle, hm?” Sylas says and Lizzy gets totally distracted by the promise of popsicles. He leads her out of the room, leaving me and alone with my father.
I drop my smile on the floor and want to smash it under my boot.
“What are you doing here? Why the fuck are you here?” I ask. I want to punch him. I want to shove him out of the room, out of this place.
“I came because I don’t want to lose you. You’re my daughter, Saige. I can’t lose you.” Should have thought of that before he decided to choose his work over me.
“It’s too late. It’s already done,” I say, spinning around and going back to sit on Lizzy’s bed. “I want you to go. You don’t deserve to be here.”
He doesn’t deserve to be around Lizzy. He hasn’t earned the right.
“I know I’ve made mistakes, Saige.” His voice breaks and I’m glad to finally hear some emotion from him. He seemed so callous last week. So cold.
“Some mistakes can’t be undone,” I say.
I hear his footsteps and then a hand rests on my shoulder.
“I love you so much, Saige. You’re one of the only things I don’t regret. I can never regret marrying your mother because then I wouldn’t have you.” His words stir anger and pain in me, but I can’t just let it go.
“I can’t do this,” I say. It would be juvenile of me to go into the bathroom and lock the door and wait for him to go away, but I’m really close to doing just that.
“I’ve talked to the rest of Sylas’ team. I told them that if they wanted to work for me, they could. And if they didn’t, I would let them go. They all decided to stay. I’ve given them contracts and now there’s nothing over their heads. I’m going to do the same for Sylas,” he says and I finally turn around.
“Just like that? You’re just going to change your mind? What happened to all of the things you said the other day?” I’m not trusting this. Not until I know why.
There are tears in his eyes and he still looks haggard. I can’t help but be touched at how destroyed he seems. It tugs at my sympathy. Despite everything he’s done, I still love him. I’ll always love him, in some capacity.