Thomas moved away from Ella’s back, leaning on the trunk of the elm, and looked at her. We could just go and visit them?
Who? Ella did look up now, in curiosity.
The twins.
Why are you always going on about the twins? Käthe has to work. She’ll be busy at the quarry again by the end of the month. Ella raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. Nobody here needs the twins. Eduard’s gone. We can’t help them.
You imagine being a gypsy child. Abandoned. It’s a fact that the little twins have been in the home for weeks. Baffled, Thomas shook his head. If in doubt, you’re sorrier for yourself than anyone else.
Ella thrust out her lips, offended, and looked at the house. The corners of her mouth twitched, and she wrinkled up her nose, which made Thomas want to laugh. However, she took a deep breath as if to dive underwater and stay there for a long time. Ella’s face distorted painfully, her eyes rolled so that Thomas could hardly see their irises, she groaned from the depths of her throat with an almost animal sound.
What is it, Ella? Thomas put one hand on her shoulder. What’s the matter with you?
Oh! Ella shook her head frantically and abruptly hunched her shoulders forward; she writhed, her head struck the cracked planks of the tree-house floor, and hissing, wrenching sounds poured out of her mouth.
Come on, tell me what’s wrong. Can you hear me, Ella?
Now he saw her tears; she was sobbing, she had red marks on her face, she was weeping uncontrollably.
Aaarrr! He knew that growl of hers; it was the growl of a dangerous beast of prey. But was she playing a game, and if so, what game was it?
I can’t bear it! I think I’m dying, Thomas, hold me tight. Gasping, she clung to his arm with all her might, she was sinking her teeth into his forearm. Ella could turn into an animal from one moment to the next, become another being. When Ella let go of him, she didn’t even notice the blood on his skin from the bite-mark, she dug her nails into his arms, let go and tore her own hair, hammered the floor in front of her with her fists. This is hell, it’s hell!
Thomas knelt down in front of her and tried to hold her head, her fists, but she struck his hands away and punched his collarbone.
Let go of me, Ella shouted at him. He saw a soft tuft of hair in her hand; she had obviously pulled it out of her head — or his. He felt a burning sensation on his scalp.
He was talking to her as if she were a horse now: calm down, lie still, lie still. But Ella took no notice; she drummed her fists, she groaned, she screamed. Then all of a sudden she stopped; Ella looked around her, glassy-eyed, quiet now, she sniffed and shook herself. Thomas waited.
All right now?
She bowed her head; softly, almost reproachfully she said: Nothing’s all right. What’s pain good for anyway? It’s all so pointless!
Thomas had his own doubts, but he sensed that Ella wasn’t expecting an answer to her question.
And it’ll be every month from now on, she went on yet more quietly, I can’t bear it, I’ll go mad, I really will.
That crazed pain of hers — how odd that it came over her so abruptly just when he asked about the twins. Ella loved her imaginary worlds; she soon felt that any sudden distraction from herself was boring, perhaps an injury, a danger.
I’ll make you a hot-water bottle, said Thomas, kneeling in front of her, hands in his lap, and as she did not reply he added: If you like.
Giving
Darkness, colourful shadows cooled and moved away in Ella’s dream; what remained was empty, cold darkness. A ray of light, thin as a hair, fell through the keyhole, luminous dust poured through the gap under the doorway, there were footsteps, the sound of knocking at a distant door. Without making a sound, Ella sat up in bed, felt with her hands for the edge of the sheet, the edge of the cloth, the fortress where she was still sitting, if uncertainly. It could be the lodger, a man to be avoided. She bent forward, felt her way along the floor, soft wood, lowered herself to it on her knees and lay face down. Her ribs felt sharp, one hip met the floor, her breasts were too young, her mount of Venus too low, she pushed herself and her bones and her hair under the bed, making her way along on the palms of her hands, she pressed her knees down and pushed herself well back to the edge of the night, where she could feel the skirting board against her hip bones. The skirting board was pleasantly cool, it gave her firm support, she was safe here, or almost. She heard a note in her ears, was it a gong, a bell? Ella couldn’t place it; her skin longed to be cool, but the bowl she had fetched in the night was too far off, the soothing water was out of reach. A soft patter of feet, someone coming along the corridor without shoes on, it couldn’t be the twins, they weren’t here; the pattering sound grew louder, its movement like a wave, its sound a regular, apparently innocent rustling. Dwarves maybe, little kobolds who wanted to bathe in her lakes, in the pools in her basins, a scratching sound, that could be the dog. Ella could deal with sounds, the knocking grew louder, that wouldn’t be the lodger who, after all, had a key, although no door apart from his was ever locked, and he always came into rooms without knocking.
Abracadabra! The yodelling note of the female voice was reminiscent of a jackdaw. A kind of grating gurgle, she knew that voice, yes, it reminded her of Käthe. Maybe it was the effervescence of a woman’s voice, a cheerful warbling, as if to wake nightingales from their winter inactivity. Why would she be calling to Ella, what did she want from her in here?
Light shone in, fell on the entire room. Ella could see two feet in Mongolian shoes, the kind that Käthe wore.
Good morning, Ella! The feet came over to the bed. Ella heard the covers being pulled back. Ella?
Happy birthday! That was Thomas, whose bare feet Ella now recognised in the doorway.
Where is she? Have you seen her? Is she up already? The covers slipped halfway off the bed and hid the view. Ella? In surprise, Käthe went round the room, stopped at Ella’s desk, paper rustled.
But Ella didn’t want to show the two of them where she was hiding. She saw the feet go out of the room; they would go on looking for her in the bathroom and the smoking room. Ella crawled out from under the bed and knocked the dust off her nightdress, stardust from her hiding place in the ground. Wouldn’t it be much better to sleep under the bed in future? She’d feel as safe as in a cave. Why did modern people sleep on beds, unprotected, visible from afar?
Where were you? The figure of Thomas reappeared in her doorway. We were going to wake you up, but you weren’t here.
I was in the loo, lied Ella, and saw from Thomas’s look that he didn’t believe her. Maybe he had just come from there himself, and let her little lie pass only out of kindness because there were much more important things today. He put his arm round her shoulder, pulled her close and whispered in her ear: I hope all your wishes come true, dear little big wild sister. His cold nose brushed her cheek. I have a little present for you, it’s in the shed at Michael’s place.
Ella nodded.
Is anything wrong?
No. She had to say something, think up an idea quickly so that he didn’t notice anything. I don’t have quite enough money yet, but a promise is a promise. This evening in the Johannishof?
You look so scared. Thomas was watching her.
Ella pulled her nightdress over her head and dropped it carelessly on the floor, so that Thomas would pick it up and put it over the chair. Scared? She was going to need at least ten marks. Ella had only thirty pfennigs. She put on her trousers and sweater.
I have one mark twenty, you’re welcome to that. I told you you don’t have to invite me — anyway, it’s your birthday. A person doesn’t get to be sixteen every day, we were still the same age yesterday, now you’re a year older than me again. And Thomas, laughing, nudged her in the ribs.