“Lucky girl,” Lauren smiled. “There aren’t that many in there.”
Erin studied it closely before she held it out to Lauren. “Do you want it? Your necklace doesn’t have any sparkly ones.”
“That’s okay, sweetheart. You keep it. I’m almost done.”
“‘Kay,” Erin said, furrowing her brow in concentration as she attempted to get the tiny bead on her string.
As Lauren secured the last bead on her own necklace, she glanced up at the clock and then quickly threw a look over her shoulder toward the vestibule.
There was no way her luck would hold out much longer.
It had been two weeks since Lauren asked Michael to leave her apartment, and in that time, she’d had no contact with him whatsoever. She hadn’t called or texted, which was well within her control, but she’d also managed to avoid him at Learn and Grow, something she figured would be virtually impossible.
Most days now when Lauren’s shift ended, Erin would remain at the center playing with the late pick-up group. And she had started arriving in the mornings before Lauren, or else she would suddenly appear in the pre-K room out of nowhere on the days that Lauren happened to beat her there.
Granted, Lauren avoided the vestibule at all costs, so maybe they would have run into each other by now if she hadn’t been taking such precautions to prevent it.
Or maybe he was taking the same precautions she was.
Lauren felt like she had exhausted all of her courage in the past two weeks. First, there had been the argument with Michael. Then, the morning after Michael left her apartment, she had called Jenn. Lauren apologized to her friend for the outburst and admitted that Jenn had been right about everything, and that it was incredibly stupid of her to even entertain the idea of rekindling anything with Michael. She ended the conversation by assuring Jenn she had a handle on whatever it was she was feeling and that nothing would come of it.
Three days after that, she called Adam and told him she had some personal issues she needed to deal with, and because of that, she wasn’t in the right place to continue a relationship with him. He had been upset, but extremely understanding, which ironically only made it harder on her. Truth be told, a little piece@Well, le decision of her wanted him to yell at her for leading him on for two months. She wanted him to tell her to go to hell. But instead he told her he still cared about her, and if she ever changed her mind, he would love to try again with her someday.
It made her feel wretched.
After that, she just didn’t have it in her for another confrontation with Michael. And even if she did, there was nothing left to say.
“Is this long enough?” Erin asked, holding up her string of beads.
“Perfect,” Lauren said. “Tie off the end like I showed you and then you can wear it.”
Erin looked down as she worked her little fingers around the yarn, trying to make a knot. After a minute, she said, “I wanted to ask you to come over, but Daddy said I shouldn’t.”
Lauren stilled for a second before she gently cleared her throat. “That’s sweet of you Erin, and I would love to, but I’ve been very busy lately.”
“That’s what Daddy said.” She finished her knot as she sighed. “Maybe one day.”
Her normally bubbly voice sounded completely deflated.
“Hey,” Lauren said, forcing a smile as she ran her hand over Erin’s hair. “I still see you everyday.”
“But you don’t see Daddy.”
Lauren’s smile fell, and she turned toward the supply basket, trying to hide her expression.
What could she possibly say to that?
She took a small breath before she grabbed the scissors and turned back to Erin, cutting the excess yarn from her necklace.
“Are you mad at Daddy?”
Lauren lifted her eyes to see Erin looking at her intently.
Like she already knew the answer.
Even at four, she was too smart to be lied to. “I’m not mad. I’m…” She took a breath. “I don’t know what I am.” Lauren fastened the beads around Erin’s neck. “But it’s nothing you need to be sad about,” she added with a reassuring smile.
When she had finished securing the necklace, Lauren sat back, watching as Erin looked down at her creation and rolled it between her thumb and forefinger. “Daddy never gets mad at me, you know.”
“Oh no?” Lauren asked, beginning to scoop the unused beads into a pile.
“Nope. He only gets disappointed.”
Lauren smiled softly as she took the lid off the bead canister.
“So are you disappointed then?” Erin asked.
Lauren sighed. “Yeah, I guess I’m disappointed. Hey, you wanna have a race?” she asked, trying to change the subject. “Let’s see who can clean up the most beads.”
Erin leaned over and scooped up a heap with both hands. “Daddy said even when he’s disappointed in me, he never stops loving me.”
Lauren forced another smile. “That’s true, sweetheart. Your daddy will always love you, no matter what.”
“Well then do you still love Daddy?”
Lauren whipped her head up. “What?” she choked.
Completely oblivious, Erin dumped two fistfuls of beads into the container. “Even though you’re disappointed. You didn’t forget to still love him, did you?”
Lauren was completely frozen { display: block; text-indent: 5%; font-size: 0.88rem; margin-top: f29 as she stared at her.
“You’re losing,” Erin sing-songed as she dumped another handful of beads into the container.
She had to swallow twice before responding. “That’s because you’re such a good cleaner,” she said weakly. She attempted to scoop up a handful of beads, but she realized her hands were trembling.
“Keep cleaning, sweetheart,” she murmured, dropping her meager fistful into the container as she stood from her place on the floor.
“Where are you going?”
“Just…to the bathroom,” Lauren managed as she turned and exited as quickly as she could without drawing attention to herself.
As soon as she was inside, she shut the door, falling back against it as she reached behind her body to turn the lock. And when her chin started to tremble, she rushed forward and turned on the faucet, gathering the cold water in her hands and splashing it on her face.
She gripped the sides of the sink and lifted her head, staring at her own reflection.
Almost instantly, her eyes welled with tears.
Lauren had always wished Michael could learn how to let go of his past, to absolve himself of everything he’d taken the blame for.
But how could he ever forgive himself for this if she wouldn’t forgive him?
It was true he had absolutely crushed her all those years ago. But she knew now it wasn’t a selfish move on his part. It had actually been selfless. He had done what he thought was in her best interest. He was young, and he was wrong, and it was a huge mistake. But he owned that. So how could she keep condemning him?
Lauren may have been disappointed by his actions, but that didn’t change the fact that she loved him.
It had taken a four-year-old to make her see that.
She stared at her reflection as a breathy laugh fell from her lips.
And then she turned off the faucet and bolted out of the bathroom.
Lauren rushed past the chaos in the pre-K room and out to the vestibule, rummaging in the front desk until she found her cell phone, and before she had even made it outside, she had already dialed the number.
She paced in front of the day care center, her heart rate increasing with each subsequent ring.
Then she was directed to his voice mail.
She hung up, staring down at the phone for a second before she hit the button to redial his number.
When she was redirected to his voice mail again, this time she took a breath and waited for the beep.
“Michael,” she said. “It’s me.”
She paused, realizing she hadn’t thought through what she was going to say.
“I need you to call me,” she finally managed, adding quickly, “Erin is fine. I just…I really need to talk to you.”