“You never said it out loud.” I paced, despite the pain in my knee. “The team has no faith in me. The league thinks I’m a piece of shit. What about you?”
She stalled, her hand grazing her belly and the baby. My baby. I wasn’t letting her deliberate. It wasn’t a hard question.
My voice hardened. “Tell me what you think of me.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to hear it.”
“Why?”
“Because for some goddamned reason, your opinion matters more than anyone else’s.”
Leah’s silence answered for me. She reached into her purse and pulled out a photograph—a glossy image of something in black and white, and too fuzzy to make out.
“I had a doctor’s appointment today, Jack.” She swallowed. “Remember?”
No. I didn’t remember. I should have remembered. Right? Maybe?
Oh, shit.
“What is it?” I asked.
“A sonogram.” She spoke too softly. Not like she’d offend me, but like she already told me her answer. “Everything’s good. The baby’s healthy and growing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a doctor’s appointment?”
“I did. You said you’d meet me there.”
I stared at the fuzzy lines on the photograph until they suddenly made more sense. A head. A body.
A baby.
My baby.
And I wasn’t there to see it.
“You should’ve reminded me.” My anger welled. I wanted to rage, but no way in hell was I risking a wrinkle to even the corner of the most amazing picture I ever saw in my life. “Why didn’t you remind me?”
“I did, last night in bed…” Leah crossed her arms. “But you were upset. I didn’t push it. I knew you wanted to get to the weight room this morning before the rest of the team…”
“And?”
“I didn’t think you’d be able to come.”
“No, that’s not it.” I pointed the picture at her. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Leah. You thought I wouldn’t want to come.”
“I wasn’t going to force you to choose between work and some routine appointment, not when you’re so worried about losing your position.”
“It’s not a routine appointment. It’s my baby!”
“And everything is okay. Normal. I didn’t need you there.”
“Did you even want me there?”
She answered quickly, firmly. “That’s not fair.”
I tucked the sonogram in my pocket before my shaking fingers accidentally tore the paper. “Answer the question.”
“Of course I wanted you there. God, Jack. Every time I go I’m terrified something will be wrong. I’d love for you to be there so you could hold my hand until I hear that little heartbeat. But I’m trying to make this easy on you. I have no idea how to involve you or what you expect—”
“So ask me!”
I shouldn’t have yelled at her. Holy Christ, the only person in the world who made me feel like I fucking mattered didn’t trust me with the damn baby we created.
“Do you think that little of me?” I stared at the woman who had suddenly become my world, my dream, my desire. She was more fantasy than reality. “Be honest.”
“How can you ask me that?” she whispered. “After all this, you still don’t know how I feel?”
“No,” I said. “You don’t give me a chance to find out.”
“I’ve never pushed you away.”
“You do it every day. You think I’m some fucking screw-up who can’t stay out of trouble.”
“I never said that.”
“Come on, Kiss. You doubted that I’d move heaven and earth to go to the doctor with you. Hell, you hardly believed I’d build the baby the best fucking nursery money can buy.”
Leah bit her lip. “Are you telling me you’re the type of man who could settle down? Have a family? Stay out of trouble?”
“Yes.”
“Really?” She held her arms out, voice bewildered. “You were the one who lied to the league and used a fake relationship to protect you.”
Shit. “Look—”
She wasn’t done. “You wanted to have the baby when you saw how well it worked for another quarterback.” Her voice lowered. “It isn’t about fixing your reputation, Jack. It’s about changing because you want to be a different man. Faking a relationship and having the baby fooled the media, but who are you trying to convince now?”
God, this woman. If she knew how easily she crushed me with a single question.
“Is everything between us fake?” I asked.
“I don’t know what’s between us.”
“Yeah.” And I knew why. “Why trust me when you can believe all the scandals instead.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
My words tasted bitter. “Just once, I wish you’d forget my reputation. Judge me for the man I am, standing here, pleading with you to give me a chance.”
“Jack…”
What the hell. I interrupted her, too desperate to hear words that would never pass her lips.
“I don’t like myself much right now,” I said. “But if you did…”
Her eyes widened. I shut up before I revealed something stupid.
“Forget it.” I pulled my phone and texted Bryon. “I’m going out.”
Her shoulders slumped. “What?”
“I need to get out of here. Clear my head.”
She didn’t have the energy to fight. Her words softened, a plea. “Not with those friends, Jack.”
“What’s wrong with my friends?”
“Don’t pretend. You know what you’re doing.” She stood, her fingers steadying her on the couch. “Don’t throw everything away because you’re frustrated—”
“I just want to go out and have some fun. I need to get out of my head.”
“You aren’t going to clear your head. You’re leaving because that’s what made you happy in the past.”
“So?”
She held my stare. “Don’t get in trouble because you assume that’s all you’re good for.”
“Oh, spare me the righteousness, Kiss. For fuck’s sake—”
“I’m serious. Don’t go out with those guys tonight. It’s not worth risking a fight or being seen with a woman—”
“So what if I am?” Dangerous ground. “You afraid I’d go home with her? That I’d bang her in the bathroom? That I’ll grab as many whores as I can fit in my car—”
“That’s over the line.”
I stormed from the den, hobbling my way across the house. Leah followed, but I ignored her.
“Don’t wait up.”
Her eyes welled with tears, but her voice sharpened. “If this is how you’ve changed, you won’t have to worry about me waiting up. I won’t be here when you get back.”
The fear shredded my guts, but what did it matter? Leah said her piece. No need to tell her that the panic of her leaving me was more terrifying than if I was cut by the team and never signed again.
But if she didn’t trust me, if I couldn’t prove that I was a good man for her?
Why would I care what the rest of the world thought of me?
“I wanted to change,” I said. “For you. Because of you. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that.”
Leah reached for me. “Jack, wait—”
I slammed the door behind me.
Going out on the town wasn’t the biggest mistake I could have made.
I was an idiot for not telling Leah I was in love with her. I couldn’t handle her not loving me back.
And that hurt worse than any injury.
Chapter Twenty – Leah
I made the worst mistakes of my life.
And I knew it.
I never, ever made mistakes. I had no room in my life for them, not when every decision I made came with a list of pros and cons that tangled me in so much uncertainty I was afraid to take a step in case I made a choice that was…wrong.
I’d lived my life carefully and methodically. Now I was pregnant, carrying the child of a man who thought a kid would help him to look more like an upstanding, moral gentleman.
But the baby wasn’t a mistake. Even if he or she exhausted me, ruined my favorite foods, and caused me a bit of discomfort, I loved the baby. Jack did too. And I knew we could handle whatever complicated mess we caused if only to provide the little one with a life of love and happiness.