Eleven
Her
As we were heading to the Tube, Kitty rang.
‘Hi, Kitty,’ I said, looking at Liv.
Liv rolled her eyes and carried on walking.
‘Oh, Christ, Grace.’ Kitty’s voice sounded muffled and indistinct. ‘Have you seen the news?’
‘No,’ I said, turning cold. What now? What else could they have possibly dug up? I’d purposely been avoiding the media for just that reason.
‘I’m all over it,’ she wailed.
‘Well, that’s good, isn’t it?’ I said, relieved that it had nothing to do with me, or Leo. ‘Isn’t that what you wanted?’
‘Not like this.’ Her tone was piteous and tragic.
We were just passing a newsagents, and I grabbed Liv’s arm and headed over to the paper stand. I took the evening paper out and opened it. Suddenly, I knew why she was so mortified.
The headline read:
WAG Goes Wild
‘Oh,’ I said, skimming through it. It seemed Kitty had been a busy girl, putting herself out there in more ways than one. There was a picture in there of a blond man, amongst others, who looked faintly familiar. Then it hit me – he was the guy who’d come over to us at the F Bar – the Nordic god that Kitty had been all over.
‘Oh, dear,’ I said, the blood draining down into my feet. It could so easily have been me there, spread across the papers, my misdemeanours public knowledge for everyone to read. ‘Oh, Kitty.’
‘I just want to die.’ She was still wailing. ‘Jimmy’s so pissed off, and I think Johnno’ll kill me if he gets his hands on me.’
‘They’ll come round,’ I said, trying to sound consoling. ‘Any publicity’s good publicity – isn’t that what they say?’
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘And they’re wrong. Johnno’s going mad. My family…’ She started to cry.
‘Look,’ I said. ‘I’m going to Liv’s gig. Why don’t you come out?’
‘I’m never going out again,’ she said, bursting into tears, before hanging up.
As soon as we arrived at Jackaroo’s, I knew I’d made a mistake. I hadn’t realised, when I’d said I’d come along, that it was going to be the same bar. Normally, the band did more of a circuit of venues, and it wasn’t until we were at the Tube that she’d mentioned we were heading for Islington again.
Even then, the penny hadn’t dropped. It was only as we headed out of the Tube that I’d started to wonder. Liv had put me out of my misery – or not – by turning to me, her sternest look on her face.
‘Now,’ she said. ‘I doubt they’ll be there again. Backpackers tend to pass through fairly quickly. But, if they are, steer clear of those guys, okay?’
‘Be where again?’ I said, hoping I’d misunderstood, even though I knew in my heart I hadn’t.
‘At Jackaroo’s. You did realise we were going there?’
I shook my head, wordlessly.
Liv pursed her lips. ‘It’ll be okay. Thursday nights are busy. Even if they are there, you’ll be able to avoid them. Don’t stress.’
I nodded, biting my lip.
‘Don’t look so worried.’ Liv gave a laugh and patted my shoulder. ‘You went out last night without any problems, and you’ve had therapy since then.’
She gave another laugh and headed into Jackaroo’s. I followed her, thinking how little she knew. If I’d told her what had happened last night, with the guys at the F Bar, she’d most likely have freaked and locked me in my room. It might not have been such a bad idea, the way events were shaping up.
No, I told myself. You have a handle on your feelings now. You can control yourself if you want to.
And I did want to, I was sure of it. I headed into the crazy noise of Jackaroo’s, certainty and determination coursing through every capillary of my body.
Twelve
Her
I followed Liv warily down the steps into the downstairs bar. It was already packed with what my now more experienced eye could see straight away were mainly backpackers. We headed over to the bar, where the jostling of people trying to get their drinks, combined with the blaring music, served to overwhelm me.
I stood back, blinking and trying to concentrate. I should’ve stayed at home. God, it was the third night in a row I’d been out, after wanting only to hide away. Already, the business with Leo the night before seemed like days ago. In fact, our whole relationship was starting to feel insubstantial and unreal, as if it were something half-remembered, from the past.
I shook my head. I didn’t like the way I was feeling. Despite everything that had happened, I still loved Leo. I did. I had no idea why, or if I’d ever want him back, but I still cared for him. Our relationship had been special enough, in its way, that I didn’t want it to fade into a blurred memory as quickly as this.
‘Are you okay?’ Liv yelled, straining to see me through the crowd that had formed behind her.
I nodded, and she pushed her way through the crowds towards me, beers in hand, and a worried look on her face.
‘You’re not, are you?’ she said, passing me my drink. ‘Look, come outside for a minute.’
She grabbed my hand but, instead of heading to the stairs, she went in the direction of the stage. I followed her up the steps onto it, flushing as I recalled my fantasy that morning of being on this very stage, naked and spread-eagled, a willing victim to a scene of degradation. The stage was in darkness – the spotlights not yet turned on.
I paused briefly and looked out across the bar, savouring the sight of the faces looking up at us. I couldn’t help myself. The lure of my fantasy was still strong and, in my mixed-up state, I wanted to file away this experience for future reference. For future fantasies. Maybe I wasn’t as sure of myself as I’d thought.
Liv tugged at my hand, and I started to walk again, the boards creaking beneath my Converses. She led me off the side of the stage and towards a fire exit. She pushed the bar and led me out, into a small courtyard at basement level. It was dark, the cool evening light blocked out by the high walls around us. I could hear footsteps above us; the sounds of people out for the evening, chattering and laughing with seemingly not a care in the world.
I leaned back against the wall. I was wearing a white vest top, and the rough bricks scraped against my bare shoulder blades.
‘Right then, missus,’ Liv said, pointedly. ‘Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? You’re not going to do anything awful again, are you?’
‘No…’ I hesitated. ‘Of course not,’ I said, firmly. ‘I…I just…miss Leo, I suppose.’
‘Miss Leo?’ Liv looked genuinely shocked. ‘You only saw him last night, for fuck’s sake, and, jeez, what a hero he was.’
I know,’ I said, trying to gather the words to explain. ‘I just...feel a bit sorry for him. About what’s happened.’
‘What the fuck have you got to feel sorry about?’ She gave a scornful laugh. ‘He deserves everything he gets. Creep.’
‘He’s not always like that,’ I said, rushing to his defence. God, I must sound so stupid. I sounded it to myself. ‘He was drunk, Liv.’
‘And that makes it okay, does it?’ Liv pursed her lips, briefly. ‘It’s hardly the first time, is it?’
I shook my head and looked away. ‘No,’ I said, in a small voice. ‘But this time it was my fault, too.’
‘How was it?’ Liv sighed, expressively, and looked at her watch. ‘I’ve got to get ready soon. How was it your fault, Grace?’
‘Because he saw me getting dropped off by a guy.’
Liv gasped. ‘You never said!’
‘I know.’ I took a deep breath. ‘Because I felt like it was my fault, what happened with Leo. He’s so jealous. He went mad. He thinks I’m still his.’ My voice caught in my throat, as I finished my explanation. ‘He said he’ll never let me go.’