“You’re all set,” the kind man behind the register says and smiles.
I march past Dom and push through the doors. He follows close behind and I wish he would leave me alone.
“Are you in a rush?” he asks from behind me.
I reach the pump, make my selection and grab the nozzle. “I’m running behind.”
“I’ll leave you alone as soon as you’re done pumping.” He raises his hand in the air. “Swear to God.”
I push the nozzle into the tank of the car and flip the switch so it’ll do all the work by itself. “I’m leaving town, Dom.”
He jerks his head back, confused. “Don’t you have classes?”
My tongue brushes nervously across my lips. “I have to get out of this place,” I stammer. “I have to do it before I’m unable to.”
“What’s going on?”
“You’re a good guy, and that’s why I’m going to tell you this.” I tap my foot, look away and let out a deep, long exhale. “You remember that video of you that was released.”
“How could I forget?” The pain we caused him all those years ago is still visible when darkness passes over his eyes. “I still can’t bring myself to step back onto that campus.”
My lips tremble, preparing for a revelation that could leave one more victim in the dust of my sordid past. “Your brother and I were the ones who released it.”
“No.” He snorts and shakes his head, but a knowing look falls upon his face. “No. I don’t believe you.”
“I was in love with Mason in high school,” I continue, but my heart breaks into tiny shards of glass as I watch the truth sink into him. “Brick used you to get to him. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t.”
He’s quiet. Silent. Jensen was wrong, I guess. Silence isn’t always beautiful. Right now, it feels like the death knell to my soul. “You were supposed to be my friend.” His lips shake and he bats a finger against his eye. “And Brick?”
“I know it doesn’t mean anything, but I’m sorry.”
“Get in that car and go wherever the fuck it is that you’re going.” His voice is crying, but no tears fall upon his cheeks. I know that feeling, when you’re so consumed with rage that you wipe away the tears that aren’t there. The fire of anger burns them into vapor before they are born into existence. “I’ll deal with my brother.”
“I’m sorry,” I reiterate in the softest voice in my arsenal. This feels like it’s the last stop on my city-wide apology tour. Those two words seem to lose more meaning with every instance.
“I’ll forgive you someday, but right now…” He shakes his head again and backs away from the car. “You need to get out of my face before I do something stupid.”
I nod in understanding and hurry into my car. I’m going to be late, but at this point… It doesn’t even matter.
31
When I pull up to the curb at the airport, I still haven’t figured out what I’m going to say. In my head, I know what needs to be said, but my thoughts are so jumbled, it’ll be a miracle if I’m able to get one word out.
I see Jensen waiting for me, with everything he’ll need packed into a single suitcase. He smiles and shakes his head, like he’s in disbelief I was actually going to show. This should be the start of something new, but I’m about to steer this relationship into something old.
I push the shifter into park and climb out of the car.
“Pop your trunk and I’ll get your bags.”
“Wait,” I say and circle around the car. “I can’t go with you.”
“What?” His throat tenses and his eyes jump in his head. “I don’t accept that.”
“Everywhere I go, I leave a trail of destruction in my wake.” In the last few weeks alone; Jensen, Cece, Tyra, and Brick have all suffered because of my actions. Brick isn’t innocent, I’m not turning a blind eye to what he’s done, but he’s a part of this. “I’ve hurt too many people, and if I leave here today with you, then it’s as if I’m saying I forgive myself. Leaving with you would be a reward for my bad behavior.”
“Don’t do this to me…”
“I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done, so it has to be this way.”
“Your past is your past for a reason.”
“But it will always be there, suffocating me.” I’m desperate in trying to make him understand. “These games I have played with people’s lives have defined me for so long now.”
“You can’t let go of it. You can’t live without it.” He shakes his head and pinches his fingers against his temple. “It’s toxic and you crave it.”
He’s right. I feel hollow when I’m not playing these stupid games. But it was never about hurting others—not really. It was about power. Something I have always craved. Something I have always needed. I can’t make sense of the world without it. Running into Dom was the perfect reminder of that. So I say nothing, because it’s easier this way.
“I know that deep down inside there is a girl who can love unconditionally. A girl who isn’t so jaded because the world has fucked her seven ways to Sunday. But you don’t want to meet her. She terrifies you, and that’s so sad, because I’ve met her and she’s the most beautiful woman in this world.” His smile is enough to turn any girl’s world upside down, but the problem is that I’m already under the surface. Drowning. “What does Brick have on you? Do you love him?”
“He’s the reason I am the way I am,” I say with such conviction, but can barely get the words out without screaming each syllable. I owe Brick so much for everything he has done for me, to the point where I feel like I’m his rightful prisoner.
“Can’t you see what he’s done to you?” He tilts his head with his eyes drawn tight. “I want to see the girl you used to be before he got his hands on you.”
“I was weak. I was afraid of my own shadow. I wasn’t a part of this world.”
“You will never be a part of this world.” He approaches me and stares me down. Palpable hurt spews from his lips. He’s a preacher, and all he needs is for me to listen. Maybe he can change my mind, that’s what he’s thinking. “People like you and Brick don’t belong because you don’t want to belong. But people can change—“
“I don’t.” I look him straight into the eyes, and call me crazy, but I can see my own reflection in the thin glazing that coats his oceanic orbs. “I can’t.”
“Because you don’t want to!”
“Don’t you think I’ve tried?” I bark and spin away from him. “I can’t change because I know what happens if I do. I’ll get trampled on. My heart will be ripped out of my Goddamn chest.” I turn back to him, feeling the same rage Dom felt back at the gas station, but for different reasons. He was hurt by other people, I’ve been hurt by myself. “Do you think I fantasized about this when I was young? Do you think I wanted to grow up to be a heartless bitch? I didn’t have a choice.”
“You do have a choice. “ His voice is soft now, almost like he’s surrendered any hope he had. “You had a choice. Just like right now, you have a choice.” He brushes my cheek with his finger, and wipes away a tear beneath my eye. “You can choose to let it all go. Let go of your past and let go of him. I promise I’ll catch you.”
“You’re going to miss your flight,” I say somberly, already having said goodbye in my mind.
32
From the time I stepped out of my car—three hours after I drove away from Jensen, leaving him at the airport—it took me three minutes to walk from the sidewalk to my front door. Every part of me is sluggish—my body, my mind, my fragile soul.
I had a good cry on the side of the road about three miles back. The kind of cry that cleanses your soul, but when your heart is this heavy, all the filth crawls right back in. It tangles around your insides until your ability to breath becomes compromised.