My thoughts rake at my heart, pricking tears that begin to puddle in my eyes.
“Baby, don’t cry.”
The pressure inside my chest causes an ache throughout my body. I’m grieving the loss of what’s sitting in front of me, and it cuts through me allowing the misery to bleed out. Tears fall as Declan watches in silence. He bands his arms around me while my body heaves in breathless cries.
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” he urges, and when I open my mouth to speak, the words tumble effortlessly from my lips.
“I hate this. I hate every moment I’m not with you. You’re all that I want, and I hate life for not being fair to us. And I’m scared. I’m scared of everything, but I’m mostly scared of losing you. You’re the one good thing that’s ever come along for me. Somehow, in this fucked up world, you have a way of making all the ugly disappear.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” he states in a stern voice.
“Then why does it feel like it’s slipping away?” I weep.
“It’s not. I promise you, it’s not. You’re just scared, but you have me now. I’ll take all that fear away, every piece of it that you carry around. I’ll take it away. I’ll give you everything you deserve from this life. I’ll do what I can to make up for all your suffering.”
I let his words soak into the darkest parts of me, the parts that no longer believe in hope, but somehow, his words awaken what was once lost. If walking away from Bennett, leaving the plan behind and sparing his life, would mean a life with Declan, I’d do it. But I’m so torn up about where that would leave Pike. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. No matter what I do, someone will get hurt. I want to be selfish. I want to keep Declan as my own. I want the fairytale, but once again, I’m having to face the fact that those are simply saved for books. Sometimes, for some people, there’s no such thing as a happily-ever-after.
Through the tears, I kiss him, needing the closeness. Like a wound, I need Declan to kiss it away and dry my tears. I don’t let up as our lips tangle in a turbulent desire for healing, a desire that we’re both seeking in this very moment. He flips me over onto my back, pinning my wrists above my head with his strong hands. Kneeing my legs apart, he pulls his tongue out of my mouth long enough for me to give him my obedient words of submission.
“Take me, Declan. However you want me, you can have me. I just need you inside of me right now.”
And with that, he flips me on my stomach, ties my arms painfully behind my back, and with my ass in the air, he fucks me in a rage of fire. He’s rough and in control, pulling my hair, slapping my ass and thighs, and then, like all the times before, holds my hands tightly in his as my body peaks and explodes into a violent orgasm that only he’s been able to do for me. But he doesn’t stop there. After he unties me, he rolls me to my back, drapes my legs over his shoulders, and feasts on my pussy with slow, loving ease, taking his time as he works my body to perfection until I come for him again. And when I’m done, he sits up on his knees and jerks off, spurting his cum all over my chest, covering me in his scent.
When my heart settles, I grow tired as I lie safely in Declan’s strong embrace. The warmth of his chest and his arms around my body soothe me into a lull, and I release a sleepy hum as I begin to drift. Declan then shifts to his side, adjusting us so that we’re lying face to face.
“I’m so tired,” I murmur while Declan lazily strokes his fingers up and down the length of my spine, soothing me into a near tranquil state.
“Tell me what you dream about,” he asks, looking at me as we lie together.
“Why do you want to know what I dream about?”
“Because you’re beautiful when you sleep. It’s the only time you look truly peaceful.”
I release a soft hum when he urges, “Tell me.”
“Carnegie.” The truth slips out before I even think about it.
“What?”
I take a second, and then decide to give him this piece of the real me, revealing, “He’s a caterpillar who lives in a magical forest. Well, actually, he’s a prince, but his father had the kingdom’s sorcerer turn him into a caterpillar.”
“And why’s that?” he asks, brushing a lock of my hair behind my shoulder.
“Because the king was upset that his son kept sneaking out of bed at night to steal juice from the kitchen.”
“Is that so?” he teasingly questions, but when I don’t give him any hint of a smile in return, he drops it as he scans my face.
“I’m a caterpillar too; Carnegie’s my friend.” The words hurt coming out as I begin fighting the razor of pain that’s carving its way through my heart, exposing the blood through my eyes.
“Why are you crying?” he asks as he watches the tears slip out.
“Because it’s a lie.”
“What is?”
“Dreams. They’re nothing but lies trying to trick me into believing life could really be like that.”
“Sounds more like a fairytale than a lie.”
“Fairytale is nothing but a fancy word for a lie used to deceive little kids,” I tell him. “A false perception of reality used to give them hope in a hopeless world.”
The look in his eyes causes me to close mine so I don’t have to see the sadness he’s feeling for me. Reality is a fucked-up head-trip that I’ve numbed myself to, but my dad, I’ve never been able to control the emotion when it comes to him. He’s always been my one and only soft spot—until now—until Declan.
“Do you wish you were a caterpillar?” he asks as I feel the warmth of his thumb dragging across my cheekbones, collecting my tears.
“Yes.”
Declan’s arms envelop me, and I curl into him when he whispers, “Then go to sleep, darling,” before kissing the top of my head and tucking it under his chin. “Go be a caterpillar.”
ANOTHER THREE WEEKS have gone by since I’ve seen Pike. Bennett has been home for the most part, and whenever I can find time to slip away, I’m with Declan. I’ve been skirting around giving him a definitive answer on going to Scotland with him, but he’s starting to grow irritated with my avoidance.
The bitter cold of snowy winter has finally let up, even though the city never seems to get above fifty, even on a good day. A gust of wind picks up, nearly blowing the door right out of my hand as I open it up and head inside the building where Dr. Leemont’s office is located.
I’ve suffered from excruciatingly painful periods for around ten years; they are what led me to seek medical help, which resulted in my endometriosis diagnosis. About six months ago, I decided to try hormone therapy again to help with the pain but had to quit after a few months due to complications with side effects. Since December, the pain has been much more tolerable but the past few days have been nothing but razor sharp aches and pain, rendering me bed-ridden, practically unable to move.
Bennett’s been a worried mess, taking off work to stay home, doing whatever he can to comfort me. The soonest I could get in to see the doctor was this morning, which really upset him because he had to go to Miami for business. He was supposed to head out a few days ago, but he refused to leave my side and pushed back all of his meetings, but he couldn’t delay the trip any longer and wound up leaving late last night.
After signing in, leaving a urine sample for the nurse, and giving blood for the lab, I strip down, covering myself with the provided robe, and wait on the exam table for the doctor. As soon as I told Bennett about my diagnosis, he found Dr. Leemont, ensuring she was the best gynecologist in the state. I’ve been seeing her for over three years now, and when she finally walks in and I see her familiar smile, I release a heavy sigh, hoping she can do something for this pain.
“Nina, it’s good to see you, although I hear you are dealing with some discomfort,” she says as she walks across the exam room with her electronic notepad and sits down on a stool by the desk.