I watch Claire cross the long-howse with the garland. Leezh sidles up next to me, a curious look in her eyes. “So where is your mate, Asha?”
I scowl at her. “He left me. You know this.”
She shrugs, unruffled by my angry tone. “All I know is that you’re looking at Claire and Ereven like they’re cake and you’re on a diet. And I’m thinking maybe you’re working too hard to convince yourself that you hate Hemalo.”
“You think I hate him? He abandoned me.”
“You pushed him away.” She lifts her shoulders again in another small, careless shrug. “I’m not going to say being mated to Raahosh is nothing but daisies and kittens. Sometimes you have to make a relationship work. And I’m just saying maybe you should have tried a little harder. He lost his kit, too, you know.”
Anger burns in my gut, and I am filled with the sudden urge to scratch her smirking human eyes out. But Leezh is carrying a child in her belly, and her mate stands nearby holding their small daughter and talking to the chief and his mate. She is bold with her words, but she is needed by them. And I somehow feel that if I defended myself…no one would take my side. They would just shake their heads at sad, angry Asha.
This day is ruined for me. “You do not know of what you speak, Leezh.”
“Then tell me,” she says in a soft voice. “Help me understand and maybe I can help you, too. I’m not trying to be a bitch, Asha. I just see you unhappy and I want to help.”
“I do not want your help,” I snap at her, and turn on my foot, leaving behind the happy celebration. Let the others celebrate No Poison Day. I am retreating to my howse, where it is quiet and safe and no one will bother me.
I storm across the vee-lage, but once I leave the long-howse, it is quiet. Everyone is gathered there, enjoying the day. I am happy for Claire that things are going so well, but I no longer want to be part of it. I just want to hide again. I want my blankets and I want to not think about the once-mate that I have hurt or the kit I have lost. I do not want to think about anything right now.
Leezh can sympathize with Hemalo, but I cannot forget that he abandoned me. He left me. I needed him and he gave up on me. Thinking of him hurts, and I am so tired of feeling as if I am the one constantly in the wrong. Why does no one see that I am in pain, too? That just because I do not cry prettily like the humans or give everyone sad eyes, I am not walking with an open wound in my chest where my heart should be? Why can I not wear my pain differently? But no, because Hemalo has left me alone, I am somehow the flawed one. I am the problem.
I swipe aside the privacy flap to my howse and storm inside. Because my thoughts are full of Hemalo, it is somehow unsurprising to see him there inside. His back is to me, and he stands over my furs, gazing up at the teepee ceiling. His hands are on his hips, and his tail flicks in that restless, constant way of his. I suddenly remember lying in bed with him, laughing because his tail flicks so much, and so often I would tease him that I would never be able to sleep.
But that was a very different time from now. We had good times between the arguments, once. Now there is nothing left but a void.
Still, I cannot help but be secretly pleased to see him here. Has he come to visit me? To tell me that he loves me and misses me? That he is sorry for abandoning me? “What are you doing here?” The words sound abrasive and cold the moment they leave my mouth.
He turns slowly to look at me, his movements a leisurely contrast to that endless flicking of his tail. “Farli told me you had a tear in your roof. I came to look at it.” His voice is liquid and deep, and the sound of it fills me with longing. Hemalo is a handsome male, and his body is big and strong. But his voice, oh, his voice is something special. Just hearing it makes my khui react, and it gives a low, pleasurable hum.
“So you are only here because Farli asked you?”
He turns back to the walls of the howse and examines it closer. “Why else would I be here? You certainly would not invite me.”
That hurts. I have been thinking about him, a lot. It is just…hard to unbend and admit that he has hurt me with his leaving. That I wish for him to give me a second chance. That I am the one that is the problem. The very thought stings my pride. “Why should I invite you?” I snap back. “You have made it quite clear how you feel.”
Hemalo gives me a focused, intense look, and then turns back to the roof. He fingers the covering and the torn stitches that bind two of the hides together. “You should invite me so the snow does not fall on you as you sleep. Or do you like waking up covered in meltwater?”
I shrug, feeling defensive. “It will get repaired soon enough.” I do not tell him that I picked apart the stitches to invite him over for such a meeting, but my courage failed me and I did not follow through. Curse Farli and her interfering. I am not ready to talk to Hemalo. I hate it when he judges me, when he gives me those knowing looks that make me feel foolish. When he treats me like I am a kit.
“It will never get repaired if you do not let me know there is a problem.” There is a rebuke in his mild tone, even as he examines the thick stitching. Then he holds an end out and gazes over at me. “Was this cut?”
“What? Do not speak of ridiculous things.”
The look he shoots me is thoughtful. “If this tore, it would not tear in such a neat fashion.”
“Why would I cut it?” I snarl at him, jerking his hand away from the cords as if they will somehow accuse me, too.
“I do not know. That is why I am asking.” He grabs my hand before I can pull back, and then his fingers lock with mine. “You are angry, Asha.” His voice is a low whisper. “Why are you so angry?”
My heart speeds up at his nearness, my khui reacting to his presence. It is only that I have not mated in such a long time, I tell myself. That is why the brush of his skin against mine makes every muscle in my body tense. That is why my tail begins to flick so rapidly against my leg, and my cunt gets wet with need. It is only because I miss mating. It is not because I miss Hemalo. “I am not angry,” I protest.
A slow smile curls his mouth. “You think I do not know you? That I do not know your moods?” His thumb strokes over my knuckles. “Are you angry because Farli asked me to fix the roof, or are you angry because it is me here and everything I do makes you angry?”
Does he truly think that? That everything he does makes me upset? I jerk my hand from his, because I feel as if I am being accused all over again. “I said I was not angry. Though now I am getting irritated that you think I do not speak the truth about that.”
He sighs heavily, watching me. “No matter what I say, it ends in a fight with you, does it not?”
“Why do you think I wish to fight? Why are you always trying to make me feel like the bad one in a fight? Like I am doing something wrong?”
Hemalo shakes his head at me, his mane flicking. “That is not what I meant at all.” He puts a big hand to his forehead and rubs the base of his horns, like he always does when he has a headache. “I am doing this all wrong. My apologies. I did not come here to make you upset.”
“Then why are you here?”
“I came to help.”
Instead of making me feel better, his words just make my khui hum faster, and my cunt aches with need. I press my thighs tightly together and cross my arms over my chest. My teats tingle with awareness at his nearness, but I try to ignore that. Now is not the time. “You should be with the tribe,” I tell him, and gesture in the direction of the long-howse. “Celebrating.”