Kane
THANKSGIVING WAS STILL TWO WEEKS away, but the city was covered in wreaths and bells and fake Santas. I scowled at one who was holding a bucket out toward me in hopes of a donation.
“For the needy,” he said, his voice slurred. Between that and the brown paper sack sitting with his shit in front of a downtown building, I knew he was looking to drum up cash for the next bottle of booze.
“Fuck off,” I snapped. “Go sleep it off and take the suit off, for Christ’s sake. You want kids walking by to think Santa’s a drunk?”
He waved a hand and moved on to the next passerby.
I jammed my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any shit to do. Viv had seen through my lie but I’d left anyway. And now I was pacing the streets in the freezing ass cold.
I’d be a disappointment to Brooklyn. Hell, I already was a disappointment. I’d missed everything. Failed her at every turn. Every picture Cori sent me was like opening an old wound, and it cut a little deeper each time. She got older and prettier. No more ribbons in her hair and gaps in her teeth in the most recent photo. Brooklyn was growing up, and I’d still never once hugger her or even looked into her eyes.
The laughter of a little girl on the street up ahead caught my attention. She wore a white coat and a pink stocking cap and walked in between a man and a woman who each held one of her hands.
“Daddy, look!” she cried, letting go of his hand to point at an elaborate Christmas display in a store window. A train wound its way through a setup that looked like the North Pole, complete with elves building toys.
The man picked her up and held her on his hip so she could get a closer look. She bounced with excitement, pointing out every last detail of the display to him.
“And the lights! Look, Daddy,” she said.
“I see. Pretty cool, isn’t it?”
She turned to him and grinned, her eyes shining with happiness. It tore at my heart. Viv’s words echoed in my mind.
She deserves it.
She did. My daughter deserved to know I wanted to see her more than I’d ever wanted anything. Even if I never got to. Even if Cori cussed me into next week. Even if Brooklyn didn’t want to see me, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me. What if she thought I didn’t care? Or that I’d forgotten her?
Nothing was more painful than those thoughts. I wanted Brooklyn to know this was all my fault, not hers. That she was as perfect as a little girl could ever be.
I’d been so shitty to Viv. I needed to apologize. But first, I had a few stops to make.
Viv
I got up a bit before eleven and showered, dried my hair and dressed for work. It was all I could do not to call Kane and continue our argument. I wanted to be with him. He made me feel things and want things I’d never known possible. Kane touched me in ways that were more than physical.
But if we were going to make it, we had to be able to disagree without him walking out on me. Staying when things were uncomfortable was hard for him, but when he left it made me feel like he didn’t care enough to stay and work things out.
I was finishing up my makeup when a knock sounded at my door. I sighed softly with relief. He was back to work things out, and that meant everything to me.
When I opened the door with a hopeful smile, I was taken aback to see not Kane, but Grayson standing out in the foyer.
“Hey, Viv,” he said sheepishly. “I wasn’t sure I’d catch you.”
“Hi.” My smile slipped away as I remembered our last encounter, when he’d thrown me out of his apartment.
“Can I come in?”
“What do you want? I’m leaving for work soon.”
He kicked the ground. “I just wanted to talk.”
His hair was damp from a shower and he wore clean clothes. Even though I was mad at him, it was a relief to see him looking more like himself.
“I have a few minutes,” I said, stepping aside.
Grayson sat down on my couch, his shoulders slumped and his elbows resting on his knees.
“So about the other day . . . you’re right. I do have a problem.”
I sat down on my coffee table so we were face to face. “It takes a lot of strength to admit that. I’m proud of you.”
He sighed heavily. “Yeah. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t know how to get on top of it.”
“What have you been using?”
His eyes flicked to mine and then back to the floor and he shook his head. “You know . . . coke, mostly.”
“That’s an expensive habit, Gray.”
His laughter held no humor. “Don’t I know it. Cleaned me out. I will pay you back that five hundred bucks, Viv. I just need to get back on my feet.”
“I’m not worried about the money. Do you still have your job?”
“Ah . . . technically. But I think I’ll get fired any moment now.”
“Go on a medical leave. Stay with Mom and Dad for a few weeks or go to rehab in Indy.”
He recoiled. “Rehab? I’m not a junkie or anything.”
“Rehab is for kicking addiction. And you’re addicted.”
“I don’t know. I’m just staying home and away from the bad influences for now.”
I patted his thigh. “I guess that’s a start. You’ve taken the first step.”
“Yeah.”
“Hey,” I said, glancing at my watch, “I’m sorry, but I have to get to work. I’ve got a twelve-fifteen meeting.”
Grayson nodded and stood up. “I’m just gonna use your bathroom and I’ll take off after that.”
“We can share a cab. I’ll pay.”
He shook his head. “Nah, I think walking’s good for me right now. Gives me time to think.”
“Okay.”
I went into the kitchen and packed my water bottle and some fruit into my bag. Kane’s water glass sat on my counter. He liked my oldest, heaviest glass and I always washed it and returned it to its spot on the counter for him. Looking at it right now brought me down. I opened the counter and set it inside.
“Hey, thanks for the talk,” Grayson said, sticking his head around the corner to look at me. “I’m out.”
“Be careful. And safe. Call me if you need to talk, okay? Or come back over. I’m here for you.”
He nodded and zipped up his coat. “Thanks, Vivi.”
He hadn’t called me that since we were kids. Hearing it made me smile.
Grayson left and I grabbed my phone to check my email. I had to return one and call the office about another one. When I got off the phone, I headed for the door with my stuff but stopped when I remembered I hadn’t finished my mascara or put on my jewelry because I’d stopped to answer the door.
I put my bags down and went to the bathroom to finish. Mascara applied, necklace fastened . . . but why couldn’t I find my watch? I always left it on the shelf near the sink with my other few pieces of jewelry.
After searching the floor, medicine cabinet and even taking a desperate peek inside the toilet, I panicked. That watch was precious to me. It was the last Christmas gift my grandma had given me before she passed away from cancer.
I was near tears when I felt a sick lurch in my stomach. I met my own gaze in the mirror.
Grayson. My brother had stolen my watch.
I was a mess when I got to work. I’d cried on the subway ride here. The loss of the watch cut deep, but knowing Grayson would lie to my face about wanting to get better and then steal from me was worse.
After this, I couldn’t even let him into my apartment anymore. I felt a crushing sadness. My instinct was to call Kane and talk to him about it. He wouldn’t talk much, he rarely did, but just having him listen would make me feel better.
But screw him. Grayson wasn’t the only one who’d let me down today.
I sat down at my desk and touched up the eye makeup I’d cried off. I was finishing it up when my phone dinged with a text. I picked it up and saw that Grayson had returned my text.