She’s picture perfect, and I ruined her and her life.
I don’t deserve her.
Growling, I let go of my cock, which tips to the side, pre-cum dripping on the carpet, cum almost bursting from my crown. In a flash of anger, I throw the frame on the bed, grinding my teeth. I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it. Not like this. I’m not the pathetic son of a bitch I tell myself I am. I will prove myself wrong. I can be a better man for her, a man who can wait for her, who’ll drive her mad with lust without losing himself in the process. I’ll fucking fight the desire until I have her underneath me, begging me to come inside her.
I won’t have it any other way.
With a hard dick, I walk to the shower and turn it to ice cold before I step under. The water hurts my shoulders and my hard-on, but I need it to cool off. I fight the demons of my past, and the angel in my life who prefers me gone. Wishing I could change it all is useless. I just have to stop thinking about it for now. What I need is sleep, and lots of it. Tomorrow’s a big race, and I haven’t even checked my bike yet. I really need to step up my game if I want to keep both my career and the girl of my dreams.
When I’m clean and no longer rock-hard, I saunter to the bedroom and pick up the picture lying on my bed. I set it back on the nightstand facing toward my pillow, so she’ll always remind me to stay true to myself … and hopefully to keep the nightmares away.
***
In my dreams, I’m revisiting the past. Memories of Emily and me sitting at the dining room table with my mom and her dad flash by. Awkwardness, and lots of it, fills the room. No one dares to talk. We exchange fake smiles, but when dessert is served, I have had enough. I burst out in anger. I try to stop myself, but it’s impossible. I don’t know where all this rage comes from, but it’s like an unending eruption, the volcano inside me shooting fire at everyone in my path. I’m angry with my mother for picking another man over my father and then sitting here and pretending it’s all right.
Do my brothers even know this is going on? Has she even told them? I don’t talk to them about our parents; I hate my parents for breaking our family apart. But this … this is just icing on the cake.
Plates and glasses are thrown across the floor; harsh words are exchanged. What’s been said can’t be taken back, and I revisit this day over and over again in my dreams. It never ends well.
Emily tries to reason with me. I can even hear her voice in my head.
“I hate them!”
“I understand, but you have to calm down, Chris. This isn’t helping,” she says, placing her hand on my chest.
“You know what else isn’t helping? You sitting there, ignoring what’s happening right in front of you.” We walk out into the hallway, out of our parents’ listening range.
“I’m not ignoring anything,” she says. “They’re just together, and we may not like it, but we can’t change a thing about it.”
“Yes, we can.” I grab her hand tight. “Don’t you want back what we had?”
“Chris …” She sighs. “You know that’s not possible. They’re engaged.”
“And you don’t think that’s weird? At all? So fast already?”
“Of course, it’s quick, but look at them … they’re happy.” She smiles. “My dad is finally happy again. After all this time.”
I know what she’s getting at. Her father’s been depressed ever since her mom died from ALS. I get it … I just don’t think it’s fair that he had to pick my mom to fall in love with. Out of all the people on this planet, they had to fall for each other.
Maybe I’m just angry because it means I’ll never be able to see Emily as anything more than just my future stepsister.
“He deserves this,” she adds. “Happiness.”
“We do, too.” I lean in against her forehead. We stand there for a while, just gazing at each other in the hallway of her dad’s house, and I’m starting to wonder why in the hell we don’t just go for it. Ignore how wrong it is, defy the rules, and just be with each other.
Just like my mom did.
I growl. “I can’t believe this.”
“Chris, it’s not worth getting angry over. What’s done is done. We had our time.”
“Don’t say that.” I grab her face with both hands. “I need you.”
I press a desperate kiss on her lips, hoping, praying it’s enough to keep her with me. However, deep down we both know this situation is spinning out of control.
“No.” She pushes me away softly. “If they find out …”
“So?” I try to kiss her again, but she won’t let me.
“Chris, we have to stop.” She sucks on her lip. “He’s my father. And she’s your mother. They love each other.”
The way she says love makes me sick to my stomach. “Why did they have to do this? Fuck!” I make a fist with my hand, wanting to smack it into her father’s face just because he’s fucking my mom. She’s my mom, my fucking mom.
“She shouldn’t even be here … she should be with my dad. Not with him.”
“Your mother made the choice to leave your father.”
“What?” I frown. “It’s not just her fault.”
“It’s no one’s fault.”
“It’s both their faults.” I point at the living room where they’re sitting, probably eavesdropping on part of our conversation, too. “Their relationship ruins everything. My family. My life. Everything.”
She looks up at me. “What do you mean ‘everything’?”
I sigh, gazing down at her hands, and then her body, her face, her lips, her eyes. I take everything in because I know this will probably be the last she’ll ever think of me as more than a stepbrother. Our love is dying while theirs is blossoming. It isn’t fair.
“Fuck this …” I growl, kicking the door. “I’m out of here.”
“Chris!” Emily calls after me, but I’ve already stormed out.
I can’t deal with it. I can’t be here, pretending everything is okay, while I’m slowly dying on the inside. I want my girl … Em … And I want my family back together.
It’s all because of that guy … her father … he’s the reason my mother bailed on my father in the first place. He’s the reason behind all my problems, and for some reason, I feel like I’m the only one who can do something about it.
I gotta fix this madness … before it ruins us.
But how far am I willing to go?
***
I force myself to awaken, sweat dripping from my body and soaking the sheets. Today I’m lucky because I managed to stop the dream right before the bad part … the part where my memories turn into a nightmare full of lies. A nightmare filled with violence.
The voice in my head was so loud back then, screaming bloody fucking murder.
But I refuse to go back to that darkness. Never again. I’ll drown out the voices with liquor if I have to.
Chapter 20
Emily
When Chris steps out onto the race tracks, I look up from my book and watch him wave to the crowd. His face looks a little washed out and the dark circles under his eyes make him look a little sick. It looks like he didn’t sleep at all last night. I wonder if it’s because of what happened.
I tried not to think about it, but that never lasts long. I’m completely embarrassed about it because I told him and myself that I would never fall for him again. And then I let him kiss me. One thing led to another and then … oh god … what did I do? Why did I go along with him? He’s my stepbrother, for god’s sakes; he’s supposed to be off-limits. Dangerous. An asshole. And so undeniably irresistible, it’s driving me insane.
I can’t get my head straight. Ever since last night, thoughts have been spinning through my mind. Thoughts about him, naked. Him sucking my lip. Him wanting me so badly … and it makes me weak in the knees.
I’m not easily persuaded to go all the way for a guy, but somehow, Chris manages to make me go the full monty just by flicking his fingers, and I hate it. I’m obsessed with him to the point of loathing myself for allowing anything to happen between us.