“God, I hate myself.”
“You shouldn’t hate yourself. I should hate myself,” I say, laughing a bit.
“It’s not funny.”
“I know. It’s just that I’m the reason you’re hurting. You shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. Not over your father, not over wanting or needing me. I’m the one who should feel guilty.”
“Yeah, you should,” she retorts.
I muffle a laugh. “And I do. Every day of my life, I feel like I don’t deserve you.” I smile, looking down at her teary eyes.
“But I won’t give up on you or us. I won’t because I know you need me, too. I used to think you didn’t want anything to do with me, which is why I tried to leave you alone. And then, when you came to the race track, I knew I had to do something. I was lost and I could see you were still angry about everything. We were both standing still in our lives.”
“I wasn’t … okay, maybe I was.” She sighs.
“We were both trying to make amends. You feel like you need to hate me so you won’t feel guilty about your father. So you’ll do your father justice. And I feel like I need to do anything in my power to make you happy. Even if that includes staying away from you. Except … that didn’t exactly work out the way I thought it would.”
For a second, I think I spot a faint smile on her face, but it disappears as quickly as it appeared.
“Anyway, I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not giving up on you, Em. No matter how many times you ask me to, I’m not going to give up on fixing this; it’s as simple as that.”
She nods into my chest, and I can feel the teardrops falling as well as her completely drenched shirt soaking mine. I don’t give a damn. I’m already glad I have her in my arms, safe and unharmed. But her emotions are completely jumbled.
“He won’t hurt you anymore,” I mumble. “And neither will I.”
“I felt so powerless,” she says, sniffing.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here any faster. And I’m sorry about your dad.”
“I’m already glad you were there in the first place. Stalker.” She muffles a laugh.
I laugh, too. “I can’t help myself. I just have to know you’re okay. If that means lurking in a corner, watching you every day, then I’ll gladly do it. I won’t back down from trying to be there for you. Unless you get a restraining order against me.”
“I might have to now,” she mutters under her breath.
I smile at her when she gazes up at me with doe eyes. “Well, I hope not, but considering the circumstances, you might have to, yeah, because I’m really not going to let you go, no matter how many times you tell me to leave.”
She shakes her head. “So I’m stuck with you.”
“Like glue,” I say.
“I’m still mad at you, you know that, right? Maybe I’ll always stay mad at you.”
“Yeah … Maybe. But I can take it.”
She smiles, and then hugs me again, whispering, “Bastard.”
I grin. “Just for you, babe.”
She shakes a little, and I can feel her clothes getting colder the longer we’re sitting here, so I turn on the warm shower again. We’re both soaked now, but I don’t give a damn. As long as she’s warm and comfortable.
“I feel better now, thanks,” she says, uncurling her arms from around my body.
I cup her face and caress her cheek. “I can’t take back what I did, and I can’t make you forget the past, but I can’t get you out of my head, either. I tried to do my thing without you, but it just won’t work.”
She nods, her eyes drifting off again. “I know. I have the same problem …”
“It’s not a problem if we both want it,” I say, and I lean in, hovering close to her lips.
I can’t stop myself. Even in a situation like this, when part of her doesn’t want me in her home, and someone just assaulted her, I still feel like I have to show her how much I love her. Because she needs it. She’s worth it all. And a part of her knows it, too … knows that she needs me to feel happy. To be free.
An inch from her lips I wait, holding off until she tilts her head and parts her lips, arching toward me. She’s not even fighting it anymore.
So I cover her mouth with mine and kiss her deeply, hoping that it’ll be enough to make her forget about the past.
Chapter 31
Emily
I can’t believe I’m in his arms yet again, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fight it for long. I should have … I should … but it’s impossible. His warm, wet kisses seal the pain away. I need him, so much it hurts, and I hate myself for it. He’s the only one who can take away the bad memories, who can make me feel whole again.
My heart thrums in my throat as his lips plant delicate kisses on top of mine, sucking up the drops of water cascading down on us. I’m quickly warming up from the shower and his kisses, but my brain is turning to mush. His love is what I need, what I desire, but it broke me all the same. The scars he left on my heart aren’t easy to mend, but just the thought that he’s not giving up makes me feel as if I should at least let him try.
Our heated breaths mingle with water and lust as his tongue dips out to lick mine, desperate for more. I can feel his need with every stroke of his tongue and every agonizing groan escaping from his lips. His fingers pull me in, and I grasp at his shirt to pull him closer. I want him.
Near me.
With me.
On me.
In me.
Everywhere. More. More. More. It’s not enough.
I want to drown myself in him, so I can finally feel at ease again. Fighting him has been a conscious choice in order to avoid pain, but it comes at a price I’m no longer willing to pay.
His kisses become more frenzied as he pulls off my shirt and lets his mouth reign free over my skin, kissing me everywhere. His tongue laps up the water rolling down my collarbone, his fingers prying my bra loose. I shed my clothes like an unwanted cocoon, surrendering my body to him. He takes his sweet time staring at my body, taking me in from top to bottom, not skipping an inch of my skin with his hypnotizing eyes. His mouth is equally slow as he drags it up my legs, licking up all the water, causing goosebumps to appear in their place.
“So beautiful …” he murmurs, sliding his tongue up my thighs.
I lean back in the tub, close my eyes, and enjoy the feel of his hands grasping my ass while his mouth is all over me. Rivulets of water change his white shirt into a translucent mesh of hot, tattooed skin and sticky cotton. His six-pack shows right through his shirt, along with that V-line that disappears in his pants, and for a moment, I wish he wasn’t wearing one.
He grins when he catches me staring at his magnificent body.
“Hungry? I know you like what I’ve got to offer.”
I roll my eyes, but then he grabs my hand and places it on his stomach. He leans in again, biting my lip while staring sensually into my eyes. “It’s all yours, babe. You just have to say the words.”
I suck in a breath when he lowers my hand until it reaches his huge hard-on, which barely manages to stay inside his pants. An eager groan slips from his mouth when I rub it softly. “Oh, fuck …”
He kisses me hard and demanding, not giving me an inch of room as he grabs my breast and starts playing with it. Alternating harsh tugs with soft caresses, his touch completely possesses me.
“I want you so much right now,” he murmurs into my mouth. “I can’t get enough. I’ll always want you, Em. Always.”
He rubs my breasts until the nipples are both rigid, and then lowers his head to suck on them, gently biting to make me moan out loud.
“I want to hear you moan every day of my life,” he says, licking the tip. “And I’ll make sure these nipples are always puckered for me, and this pussy is spoiled richly.”
His hand dives between my legs to make a point, rubbing my sensitive clit with his rugged thumb. He drives me crazy with lust, to the point of not giving a shit about anything I’m supposed to be doing or thinking. I’m lost in him and his ability to bring me to the brink of ecstasy.