“You’re not a bastard, Carter. Please don’t ever think that way about yourself.”
“I still remember the day I looked up the meaning of bastard in the dictionary.” I exhale when I think back to that day. The motherfucking day I learnt what I really was. A person born to parents not married to each other. A person considered to be mean or contemptible. A person, especially one considered to be unfortunate. Irregular, inferior, or of dubious origin. “I was crushed, but I was just a kid. I guess I’ve learnt to live with it over the years.”
“You’re not a bastard, Carter. Just because you choose to act like one sometimes, it doesn’t mean you are one,” she enforces as another tear falls from her pretty green eyes. Seeing her shed a tear for me makes the lump in my throat grow. She almost sounds like she believes what she’s saying. I want to believe her, just like I wanted to believe my mum all those years ago, but it’s a fact.
“It’s okay,” I tell her as I reach up and wipe her tear away with the pad of my thumb. “As you can see I’ve embraced the fact that I’m a bastard,” I chuckle, but she doesn’t. My words actually make her look sadder. It tears at my fucking heart.
“Lots of people have children before they marry these days. It’s no big deal. It’s stereotyping at its worst. The older generations may have believed that bullshit, but in my opinion they should be ashamed of themselves. Those poor kids never asked to be born, yet they had to suffer that narrow-minded injustice for the rest of their lives. Hypocrites like your grandfather are fucked in the head if you ask me.” Her words make me laugh. “It’s not funny, Carter. Look at what it has done to you. It makes me so mad,” she adds frowning. She looks so fucking adorable when she does that.
She goes to say something else, but I lean forward and cover her mouth with mine. I love that she feels so passionate about this subject, and I love that she doesn’t think I’m a bastard. Everything she said is true, but sadly it still doesn’t make me feel any better about myself.
I’m still a bastard.
Maybe in time her words will help, but right now all the blood has left my brain and rushed straight to my cock, so I can’t think of anything else but her. I know we said we wouldn’t go there again, but I need this. I fucking need her.
When I tilt her head back and deepen the kiss, she moans into my mouth. Sliding my hands under her arms, I lift her up and onto my lap so she’s straddling me. Wrapping her legs around my waist, her hands snake around my neck. Mine slide around her tiny waist and I draw her body flush with mine. I love the way she kisses. The way her lips feel against mine. The way her soft body moulds against my hardness. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of it. Actually I know I won’t. I’m hooked—on her.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Indiana
My heart is still hurting for him. Thinking of how he must’ve felt as a small boy, and the fact that he’s been carrying that stigma around for all these years. It breaks my heart. Although unfounded, his attitude since the day we met suddenly makes sense. I hate that he feels so lowly of himself, especially since they were circumstances beyond his control. How could his grandfather, his own flesh and blood, label him like that? He was just a fucking kid. He didn’t ask to be born.
As I kiss him, I try my hardest to show him without words, how special he is, how much I care for him. How he’s nothing like the perception he has of himself. We’ve both tried so hard to keep our friendship completely platonic the past few weeks, but tonight I need him. I think he needs this, too.
I need to lose myself in him so I don’t have to think about my dad falling to pieces back at the house. So much for my damn ‘Distraction’ playlist. In between songs I could still hear his muffled cries. That’s why I came down here. Every year I dread this date. I’ve always hoped as the years passed, things will get easier for my dad, but not this year. Hopefully next.
Carter’s hands slide from my waist down to my arse. He draws me in, my centre pressing hard against his erection. I moan into his mouth. I don’t even recognise myself when I am with him like this. He makes me so wild. One of his hands move under my top as his fingers lightly skim up and over my stomach, making me shiver, until he’s palming my breast and pinching my nipple through the lace fabric of my bra. My hands tangle in his hair as I rock my hips forward.
I’ve only been kissing him for a few minutes and I’m already on the verge of coming undone. I could get addicted to the way he makes my body feel. Our kiss soon turns primal. It’s like we can’t get enough of each other.
His hand moves down between us as he rubs my clit through the thin material of my shorts.
“Come for me, beautiful,” he whispers as his lips make a trail across my jaw and down my neck. I lean my head back and moan. It only takes me a few seconds before I call out his name when my orgasm hits. When I open my eyes I find him looking at me, smiling. “I love watching you come.” I feel my face heat. “Don’t go all shy on me now,” he adds as he leans forward and plants a soft kiss on my nose.
I can still feel his erection pressing into my inner thigh. Sliding my hand down his body, I stoke him through his jeans. “Don’t,” he says pulling my hand away.
“What? Why? I want to give you relief.”
“No. I’ve been trying my hardest to behave around you for weeks. I let this go as far as it did tonight because you needed it. If we don’t stop this now, I may not be able to control myself. You make me crazy,” he admits.
“Well don’t stop.”
“I told you, we can’t go there, Indi. Your first time should be with someone special. That’s not me.” I move my hand up to cup his face.
“You are special, Carter. I want you to be my first.” I mean every word, too. I may regret it, but I doubt it. Even if we can’t be together after tonight, I’ll still treasure the fact that he was my first.
“You don’t mean that,” he says placing his hand on the back of my head, pulling my face into his chest. I can hear his heart beating wildly. I love being held like this, by him. When I’m with Carter, he makes me feel like nobody else but us exists in the world. He obviously has no idea how much I want this.
“I do. Please, Carter. Don’t make me beg.”
“I don’t do commitments, Indi. I’m not boyfriend material.”
“I’m not asking you to be my boyfriend,” I say pulling my head back so I can see his face.
“Well what then?” Even in this light, I can see his vulnerability. I wish he didn’t have such a low opinion of himself. I wish he could see himself through my eyes then he’d know just how special he is.
“I’m asking you to be my first. Nothing more. Just one night. I want you to do all the things you’ve done to the others.” Did I just say that? Yep, I did. It’s true though. Since the moment I saw Jennifer climb in his window, I wished it was me. Then there was the pink-haired bimbo.
“What others?” he asks.
“The girls that climbed through your window. Jennifer and the girl with the pink hair.”
“I didn’t do anything with the girl with the pink hair,” he chuckles.
“You didn’t? But I …”
“When I saw you watching us, I couldn’t go through with it,” he confesses.
“You couldn’t? Why?”
“Because you cock-blocked me.”
“I did not,” I say playfully slapping his arm. “Tell me the real reason.”
“Fuck. Enough with all the questions. I just couldn’t okay. I felt bad.” My lips turn up into a smile.
“Why did you feel bad?” I ask, my smile widening. I probably shouldn’t be probing him like this, but I want to know the reason.
“Just drop it,” he snaps.
“No. I want to know why.” He lifts me off his lap and places me back beside him in annoyance.