I’ve had enough of that shit to last me a lifetime.
Sadness washes over me as I pick up the body wash and remove her scent from my skin. Never again will I be able to smell her sweetness, feel her silky soft skin beneath my fingertips, or taste her lips. It brings a motherfucking lump the size of a goddamn basketball to my throat.
Once I’m dressed I throw my things into my suitcase, stowing it under the bed before going in search of my mum. I find her in the kitchen cooking. As devastated as I’m feeling right now, just seeing her brings a smile to my face. I’m going to miss her cooking, but more than anything I’m going to miss her.
“Hey, sweetie,” she says smiling at me. “Breakfast won’t be long. As soon as John gets home we’ll eat.”
Walking to her, I wrap her in my arms. “I love you, Mum.”
“I love you too, Carter.”
“Thank you for always loving me. For keeping and wanting me when nobody else did.” I hear my voice crack when I speak.
“Baby? What’s brought this on?” she asks looking up at me. “Is everything okay?”
“Everything’s fine. I just needed you to know how much I appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me over the years. It’s meant everything to me. You mean everything to me.” I see her eyes well with tears from my words.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I see concern etched on her beautiful face. I nod, tightening my embrace. “You’re part of me, sweetheart. You’ll always be a part of me. Not having you in my life was never an option. Not a day goes by that I’m not thankful that you’re my son,” she says, gently running her hand down the side of my face. I can’t speak. The lump in my throat is growing bigger by the second.
I’m surprised I’m not choking on that fucker.
This is my goodbye. I don’t know when or if I’ll ever get to see her again. That thought makes my heart ache. If it wasn’t for her, my life growing up would’ve been nothing. Meaningless. She gave up her future, her family, everything for me. Words will never be able to express what that means to me.
She loved the bastard that nobody else could.
Leaning down I place a gentle kiss on her cheek. “I’ll be in my room,” I say as I turn and walk away. I don’t bother looking back. I can’t. If I do, she’ll see the tears that now glisten my eyes.
“Okay, sweetie. I love you, Carter,” she calls out behind me.
“I love you too, Mum,” I whisper.
Reaching under the bed, I grab the bag I just packed. Emptying out the contents of my school backpack onto the bed, I head back into my bathroom. I throw my deodorant, toothbrush, toothpaste and brush into the bag. Walking back into my room I grab my sketchpad and a photo I have of my mum and I from when I was a boy, and stuff them inside. Looking around my room, I check to see if there’s anything else I need.
Heading towards the window, my gaze moves towards Indi’s house. I’m shocked to find her standing in her bedroom watching me. She’s smiling. Fuck. I was hoping I didn’t have to see her before I left. I can’t say goodbye to her, I just can’t. It will gut me.
Tearing my eyes away from her I drop my suitcase out of the window. It lands with a thud. When my eyes meet hers again, I watch as her gaze moves down to the bag on the ground, and then back up to meet mine. The smile drops from her beautiful face. A face I know I’m never going to forget.
She steps forward and presses her palms flat against the glass. Fuck, she knows. The devastation I see cross her features rips my fucking heart in two. I watch as a lone tear cascades down her cheek. What I wouldn’t give to hold her right now. Kiss her. Tell her I don’t know how I’m going to survive without her in my life.
Jumping out the window, I pick up my bag and start walking towards my car. I take one last look over my shoulder at the only other person on this earth, apart from my mum that I love. Yes, I love her. I love her so much it fucking hurts. Last night just confirmed it.
She’s the only person that has made me feel like I’m somebody. The only person that has accepted me for who I am—the real Carter Reynolds. The person I am on the inside. Not the illegitimate child. The bastard. The real me. She knows my story and still cares. Still wants me around.
I’m not used to people wanting me, so the fact that she does is something I’ll never forget. I’ll treasure the time I’ve spent with her. She’ll always have my heart. I know that for a fact.
As much as it kills me, I need to let her go. Although she may not think so, she deserves so much more than I can ever give. So much more. I was born a bastard and I’ll die a bastard. That’s never going to change. In time I know my doom and gloom will dull her sunshine. I couldn’t do that to her. She’s perfect just the way she is.
I open the trunk of my car and place my suitcase and backpack inside. My heart is so heavy as I move around to the driver’s door.
“Carter, please don’t go. Don’t leave me,” I hear her cry from behind me. Christ. She’s come outside. I don’t turn around. I can’t. I wish I could stay. Better still, I wish I could take her with me, but that’s not an option.
Ignoring her, I open the door and climb in. Tears cloud my eyes. I didn’t think this would be so hard. I turn the key in the ignition and back out of the driveway. My eyes betray me as I take one last look at the kid. The kid that stole my heart. The kid that managed to penetrate my darkness, and for the briefest of moments showed me what it was like to have light in my heart again. Fuck I’m going to miss her and her smart mouth.
She needs to forget me. I swear I literally feel my heart shatter into a million pieces as I watch her standing there. Her arms wrapped around her tiny body. Tears are streaming down her beautiful face. It takes every bit of strength I have not to go to her.
There’s so much I want to say to her. So much. So much I want to thank her for. But, instead I do what I need to do to help her forget me. To help her move on. I flip her off as I put my foot down and drive away. Drive away from the only two people who’ll ever hold a place in my heart …
PART
TWO
CHAPTER ONE
Five years later …
Carter
I’m jolted out of my sleep by our song; Let her go, by Passenger. Well technically it’s not our song, but it’s the one that reminds me of her. Of us. I heard it a few days after I left. For the first time in years I cried. Cried like a fucking baby. It’s been the ringtone on my phone ever since. I don’t know why I torture myself by keeping it. All it does is remind me of what I’ve lost. Of the one and only girl I’ve ever loved.
I reach for my phone on the bedside table just as the brunette beside me stirs. Fuck, is she still here? “What time is it?” she asks.
“Time you got dressed and left,” I answer looking at the clock. Shit. 4:30am. Who’d be calling me at this hour? It better be a life or fucking death situation or someone’s gonna get their arse kicked. When I see my mum’s number on the screen my heart drops. Jumping out of bed, I turn to the chick that shouldn’t be here.
I can’t even remember her name. Is it Sarah … Samantha … Shona? Fuck me. I’m sure it starts with an ‘S’. Either way, I don’t do sleepovers. I’m always upfront with every girl I bring home. They know exactly what they’re getting into. I’m pretty sure I told her to leave last night after we fucked. I guess I fell asleep and she didn’t listen. I fucking hate it when they do that.