“Can we change the subject, please?” I’m happy to talk about our current lives, but not sex. Mark wouldn’t approve of that, and I’d have to agree. It’s totally inappropriate. Especially given our past.
“Sure,” he says with a sigh. “Tell me about you. What have you been up to since I left?”
“Not much. College, work, that sort of thing.”
“I had a feeling you’d go to college. What did you study?” he asks.
“Veterinary Science. I’m a Veterinarian.”
“Really? Wow. I never knew you wanted to be a Vet.”
“I didn’t, but after Lassie …” I hear my voice crack as I speak.
“Fuck,” he says rubbing his hands over his face. “I’m sorry. Poor fucking Larry.” When I look at him, I see tears glisten his eyes. I can’t go over this again. Earlier today was hard enough.
“You hungry?” I ask trying to change the subject. I need to get him out of my room. I can’t seem to function properly with him sitting on my bed.
“I guess. But, not just for food.” His hands reach out for me, but I slap them away.
“Well food is all I’ve got,” I tell him as I turn to leave. When he doesn’t get up, I look at him over my shoulder. “Are you coming or what?”
“Sure,” he says half-heartedly. His disappointment is evident. That’s too bad. It pisses me off that he thinks it’s okay to make advances at me. No matter how much he’s had to drink, he should know better. He needs some food to sober up, and I need distance. Thankfully, he follows me into the kitchen.
“Do you want a toasted cheese sandwich?” I ask.
“Okay, thanks.” When he starts to walk towards me, I point at the table. Distance. I need distance. Having him close is just too much.
“Sit,” I command. A boyish smile appears on his face before he turns and does what I asked. He’s a little unsteady on his feet. It makes me wonder just how much he’s had to drink. “Do you get drunk like this often?”
“Nope.”
“Then why tonight?” I ask, placing a glass of water in front of him. His glassy eyes meet mine. I see sadness and maybe a touch of anger.
“Cos I felt like it. I see you haven’t changed. You’re still fucking nosey,” he retorts. I suppose being back here isn’t easy for him, so I ignore his snide remark.
I make four toasted sandwiches. Two each. I didn’t eat much when Mark and I went out for dinner. My stomach was in knots after our little altercation with Carter. “Here you go,” I say, placing the plate in front of him.
“Ta,” is all he says as he picks up one of the sandwiches and takes a bite. I find myself sneaking glances at him when he’s not looking. His face is so rugged, so handsome. Is it possible he’s grown even more beautiful over the years, because I’m certain he has? I shouldn’t even be thinking that, but I am.
Mark is pretty to look at, but in my eyes he has nothing on Carter in the looks department. Carter’s sinfully hot, all man, and those tattoos make him look so bad-arse. He’s every girl’s fantasy. It’s a shame he’s a non-committal man whore.
It’s a surreal feeling that we’re actually having a meal together, after all this time. Well, if you class a toasted sandwich as a meal. So much has changed since he left, but in a way, nothing has.
He looks up and catches me staring. “You don’t like your food?” he asks with a mouth full.
“Of course. Why would you ask that?”
“Because you look like you’d rather be eating me instead,” he says with a cheeky smile.
“What?” I screech. He throws back his head and laughs. “Nooooo. You’re delusional if you think that.”
“Just calling it how I see it, sweetheart.” When he winks at me I feel my face flush. Shit. I probably was looking at him like that. I need to get him out of this house, and away from me, ASAP.
••••
For the next few hours, we eat, we chat, and we laugh—just like old times. I think it’s exactly what we both needed to heal, to completely move on. There was so much unfinished business between us, but now I feel like it’s all water under the bridge. I’m hoping after tonight, I can finally let all the hurt go.
Let him go.
My heart hurts to think this is more than likely the last time we’ll be alone again. He mentioned earlier he was leaving tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see him around when he visits his mum, but not like tonight. I shouldn’t want him to stay, but for some reason I do. Well, part of me does. The part of me that now belongs to Mark, knows him leaving is for the best.
“I should get going,” he says.
“Okay.” I try not to let my disappointment show. I’ve missed being around him. I’ve missed the banter we shared. When he reluctantly turns, I follow him towards the front door. “Thanks for the food … for the catch up,” he says when we walk out onto the front porch.
“It was nice,” I reply, getting up on the tip of my toes and planting a soft kiss on his cheek. Taking a step back, my eyes meet his. My heart is sad knowing this is our final goodbye. At least I’m getting one this time around. “Take care of yourself, okay?”
“You too, kid,” he says, reaching up and gently running his hand down the side of my face. His touch is so gentle, so sweet. I feel tears burn my eyes. We stand there for the longest time staring at each other. His hand is still resting on my cheek. I find myself leaning my head into his palm. I briefly close my eyes and savour the last time I’m going to feel his skin against mine. I’d give anything for him to wrap me in his arms again. Anything.
When I open my eyes, I find him watching me. He gives me a sad smile. “Goodbye, Carter,” I finally say, taking another step back. I’m thankful I got to say it this time. It doesn’t seem to lessen the ache in my heart though.
“Goodbye, Indi.” He continues to stand there, not moving. That electric pull between us, the one we shared in the past, is still as strong as ever. As much as I’d like to stay out here all night with him, I can’t. Someone needs to be the strong one here. I turn and take the few steps towards the door. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his hand reach towards me, but then he drops it back by his side. I’m grateful for that. We need to make a clean break.
••••
I manage to hold in my tears when I walk into the house, but they’re already falling by the time I reach my bedroom. My heart feels like it felt all those years ago when he left—broken.
I’m grateful that he came back, that I got to see him again. In saying that though, seeing him has conjured up all those old feelings. The ones that took me years to suppress. Guilt consumes me. I shouldn’t be feeling like this when I have a boyfriend.
Wiping my eyes, I dig my phone out of my bag. Turning it on, I find a message from Mark.
Night, babe. Hope your head is feeling better. x
Again the guilt hits hard. Technically I’ve done nothing wrong, but if Mark completely holds my heart, I shouldn’t be feeling what I’m feeling.
I’m feeling better, thanks. Sorry I had to cut the night short. See you at work in the morning. xxx
That’s a total lie. My headache is worse than ever, but I don’t want him to worry about me because I know he will. He replies straight away.
That’s good. Night, gorgeous. Sweet dreams. Wish you were here. x
I don’t reply to his last message. I’m not sure what to say. I do and don’t wish I was there with him. My head is so clouded right now it’s probably best that I’m not.
Finally, I climb under the covers. My thoughts are still well and truly on Carter. I know he’s next door. Only a few metres away. I wish I could spend more time with him before he leaves, but it’s probably safer for my heart if I don’t.