As we sit here waiting to hear her fate, my stomach is churning. Ross’ leg is bouncing up and down nervously, and Indiana is sitting there as cool as a fucking cucumber. That both astounds and worries me. Fuck I pray we get good results.
“The doctor will see you now, Ms. Montgomery,” the nurse says appearing in front of us.
“Good luck, Pumpkin,” Ross says grasping her hand and giving it a squeeze.
“Everything is going to be okay, Daddy,” she replies smiling. Now I understand why she’s been acting so calm today. She’s doing it for her dad.
“This way,” the nurse says gesturing with her hand for Indiana to follow. We both stand at the same time.
“I’ve got this, Carter,” Indi says, turning her head in my direction. “I’ve already discussed this with my dad. I’m going in to get the results alone.”
“You discussed it with him, not me. I’m coming whether you like it or not,” I snap. She’s not fucking doing this alone.
“Or not,” she says narrowing her eyes at me. It brings a smile to my face. I reach for her hand and lace my fingers through hers.
“We’re doing it together. End. Of. Story.” She tries to pull her hand from mine, but I tighten my grip. I don’t think so. When she realises I have no intentions of letting go, she sighs.
“Fine, you stubborn arse,” she mumbles, making me chuckle.
“Takes one to know one,” I whisper in her ear as I follow her into the doctor’s room. She pinches my hand spitefully and I smile. I love her spunk.
“Take a seat,” the doctor says when we enter. “I’m Doctor Emmerson, the oncologist here at the hospital.” After the introductions, we’re seated. My eyes drift to Indiana. From the outside she looks so calm. Reaching over, I grasp her tiny hand in mine again. When I feel it trembling, I know she’s anything but. It tugs at my heart. Please let her be okay. “I have your results back,” he says, the passive look on his face giving nothing away. Fuck doctors and their poker faces. At least if his expression gave a hint of what was to come, I could prepare myself. Then he goes and says the exact words I’ve been dreading. “Indiana, I’m sorry …” That’s all I hear as the rest of the words are drowned out by the thumping of my heart. I feel Indiana’s grip on my hand tighten.
Noooooo! This can’t be fucking happening.
••••
Our sombre faces say it all. Devastation. I offered to drive Ross’ car home from the hospital. He was in no state to get behind the wheel. I listen intently as Indiana recounts everything the doctor told her. Everything I missed as my world around me crumbled.
She has a tumour. On a positive note it’s small. The doctor’s pretty confident if they find no other cancers, six weeks of radiation therapy may be all she needs. He assured her it’s the best solution for her particular diagnosis. It cuts out all the unnecessary risks associated with brain surgery.
Ross doesn’t respond to anything Indi says. I glance at him in the rear view mirror, and the pain, shock, and disbelief that this is happening again, is plain to see. He’s usually so tough, so put together. It brings a lump to my throat. To find out your only child has the same disease that killed your wife would be a pretty hard pill to swallow.
“Everything is going to be okay, Dad,” she says turning and reaching for his hand in the back seat. I’m in fucking awe of her. She’s just been told she has a tumour on her brain, and she’s the one comforting and reassuring him. She’s the one who’s being positive and optimistic when it’s plain to see he’s consumed with doubt. “The doctor even said that medicine has come so far since Mum’s diagnosis all those years ago. Plus, we found it early. Hers came years after the symptoms started.”
Every word she speaks has a calming effect on my aching heart. I’m devastated that this is happening. I’d give anything to change her situation. I don’t want to lose her before I’ve even got her back, because over the past few weeks I’ve realised that my life without her in it, is unimaginable. She completes me.
She sounds so confident, so sure of herself. If she thinks she’s got this, then fuck me she has. Who am I to rain on her parade? Her positivity is inspiring and may be just what she needs to beat this motherfucking tumour.
She has to go back to the hospital on Monday for an MRI. The doctor wants to make certain that the cancer is confined to her brain, that there’s no secondary cancer present in her body. If there isn’t, he gives her as high as an eighty percent chance of survival. I’m fucking stoked about that. I’d rather a hundred percent, but if eighty is the best he can give then so be it. They’re pretty good fucking odds. I’d be lying if I said that twenty percent didn’t scare the living shit out of me though.
Now we just have to pray the tumour is confined.
When we arrive back at the house, the three of us go inside. Ross heads straight for the fridge and grabs a beer. “Want one?” he asks me.
“Sure.” Alcohol is not the answer I guess, but I think in this situation it’s needed.
“Would you guys mind if I had a lie down? I didn’t get much sleep last night. I’m tired,” Indi asks.
“Of course not, Pumpkin,” her father says as he walks towards her and wraps her in his arms. “I’m sorry I haven’t been very supportive today, it’s just …”
“Shhhh, Daddy. You have nothing to be sorry about,” she replies sliding her arms around his waist. “I love you. I know this is hard for you, but it’s going to be okay.”
“I love you too, baby girl,” he says leaning down to kiss the top of her head before letting her go. She takes a step back and looks over at me.
“Thanks for coming today, Carter. It meant a lot to me.”
“Don’t sweat it,” I reply, the corners of my mouth turning up briefly. My heart feels so heavy. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.” And I will be, whether she wants that or not. She smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. For a split second she almost looks like she’s going to cry, but she recovers quickly. It makes me wonder. Maybe she’s not faring as well as she’s making out. I can’t blame her. I’m not sure I would be, if I was in her predicament.
I continue to sit at the kitchen table with Ross while he drinks himself into oblivion. To be honest I feel like doing the same, but I don’t. What good is that going to do? It’s not going to fix anything. Instead, I choose to be his rock. The one he’s been for me for the past five years.
The hours pass and Indiana doesn’t re-emerge from her room. Everything in me wants to go to her. To make sure she’s alright. “I can’t go through this again,” Ross says suddenly, his voice cracking. He buries his face in his hands, and I can tell he’s on the verge of a breakdown. I feel for him, I do, but he needs to pull himself together. His daughter needs all the support she can get right now.
“Look at me, Ross.” He raises his head and his glassy eyes meet mine. “You can, and you will. She’s your daughter. It sucks, I know, but you’ve gotta get your shit together, mate. She needs you.”
“I know … I know,” he says shaking his head. I’ve never seen him like this before. “She’s my baby girl. She’s all I’ve got.” He looks up at me, his eyes brimming with tears. “I don’t think I could go on if I lost her too.”
I get up from my chair and make my way around to his side of the table. He’s had enough to drink. “Come on,” I say placing my hands under his arms and helping him up. He stumbles, but finds his feet. “I think you need to lie down.”
“Maybe you’re right,” he slurs. “I’m glad you’re back, son. You’re just what my girl needs.” His words make me smile. I love that he thinks I’m good enough for her, even though I still have my doubts if I am. I guide him towards his bedroom before laying him down on the bed. As I remove his shoes and pull the blanket over him, he closes his eyes.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” I tell him as I turn to leave.
“Carter.”
“Yeah.” I stop, looking at him over my shoulder. His eyes remain closed.