I sit and listen to everything she says, but I’m still not happy about this whole situation. She’s had no contact from her mother in all these years. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a little late to try and make up for it now.
“Things were different back then,” she continues. “Having sex before marriage, having a baby out of wedlock … it was taboo, shunned upon. My father was very religious and old school. He was also a proud man. His reputation meant everything to him. Unfortunately, what people thought of him turned out to be more important than the welfare of his own daughter and grandchild. For that I can never forgive him. My mum, though? She was different, Carter. When you meet her, you’ll see exactly what I mean.”
“Like hell I’m meeting her,” I snap. “If you want to, go right ahead, but I want nothing to do with this.”
“Carter,” she says in a shocked tone. “Please. I need you with me. I’m not sure if I can do this on my own. It’s been nearly twenty-five years since I’ve seen her. I think this would be good for you, for both of us. It’s time to let go of the past, sweetheart. It’s time to heal.” I exhale a defeated breath. I’ve never been able to say no to her, and that pleading look in her eyes tells me I’ll be going to meet this fucking woman, whether I want to or not. Fuck.
••••
My mum called her mother later that afternoon. Apparently she was over the moon to hear from her and they talked and cried on the phone for over two hours. She wanted us both to come over straight away. There was no way I was going to drop everything and run to her, even if that’s what my mum wanted. My first priority was Indi, and frankly, if I could put this unwanted reunion off, I was gonna delay it as much as I could.
As the days passed though, my mother’s pleas became too much. I finally relented and agreed to go with her late Wednesday afternoon. I haven’t discussed it with Indiana yet. I’ll wait and see how the meeting goes first. I don’t want to upset or worry her unnecessarily. I have no idea what to expect when I get there. Going by our visit all those years ago, I don’t hold out much hope.
My mum has arranged for us to be at her mother’s house at 3:00pm, for afternoon tea. Fuck that. I won’t be eating shit when we get there, that’s even if we make it through the front door. It’s just after 2:00pm, so we’re going to need to leave soon. It’s a forty-minute drive to her parents’ house.
Picking up the plate of fruit I’ve just chopped up for Indi, I head back into the lounge room where she’s snuggled up on the sofa with LJ. Her gaze moves away from the television and locks with mine when I enter the room. I plaster a smile on my face to try and mask the inner turmoil that rages inside me. Thankfully she returns the smile. I’ve done a good job of hiding my worry and uncertainty from her all day.
Indi hasn’t been that bad today. It’s one of the rare good ones. She slept for a few hours after we arrived home from the hospital, but she’s been awake ever since. She even managed to eat all her lunch and keep it down, which pleases me to no end.
“Here you go, beautiful,” I say when I kneel down in front of her and place the plate on her lap. “Is there anything else I can get you before I leave?”
“Nope, but thank you,” she replies as her shaky hand reaches out to caress my face.
“I’m gonna have to get going. Mum’s appointment is at three. Your dad just called and he’s on his way home. He’s gonna sit with you until I get back.”
“I don’t need babysitting, Carter. I’ll be fine until you get back,” she says with an eye roll. I love her sass.
“I know, but I’d feel better knowing you’re not alone.” I lean forward and gently place my lips on hers. Ross knows where we’re going, but I’ve asked him not to tell Indiana. He needed to know because with mum and I both being away, someone had to be here for Indi just in case. I was also interested to hear his take on this. Unlike me, he thinks this meeting is a good idea. It’s easy for him to say, because he doesn’t know what went down all those years ago. “I love you,” I say as I stand.
“I love you too. I hope your mum’s appointment goes well.” So do I. I smile down at her as my stomach starts to churn again at the thought of what I’m about to face.
“Look after our girl,” I tell LJ as I reach down and run my hand over his fur.
••••
No words are spoken on the drive to the house. My mum’s leg has been bouncing with nervous anticipation most of the way. The huge smile planted on her face tells me she’s excited for this reunion. Although I wish it wasn’t taking place, I find myself hoping, for her sake, that everything goes okay.
I actually feel like I’m gonna be sick when we drive down the long circular driveway and come to a stop outside the house. It’s funny, after all these years I still remember what it looks like. I guess it was a poignant moment in my life, so I’m not surprised it stuck with me all this time. It’s the day my life changed forever. The day that cocksucker ruined me. I don’t want to go anywhere near that house. I’m regretting agreeing to come here, but on the other hand, I don’t want my mum to face this alone.
When I turn off the ignition I have a sudden moment of panic. Fuck. I can’t do this. “Would you mind if I stayed in the car?” I say, turning my head to look at her.
“What? No. Please, Carter. After what happened last time when we were here, I can understand that you’re apprehensive,” she replies reaching for my hand. “Do you really think I’d bring you back if I thought we’d get the same reception? That day still haunts me too. Don’t you think I saw how much you changed after that day? I’m your mother, Carter. Mother’s notice things like that. Not a moment has passed that I haven’t regretted putting you through that. I promise you things will be different this time. My mum is nothing like my father. She’s really looking forward to meeting you.” I exhale a large defeated breath.
Why can’t I ever say no to this woman?
She needs this, so I have to put all my shit aside and do it for her. She gave up everything when she found out she was pregnant with me. She could’ve aborted me and continued on with her life, with her family in this house. But she didn’t. If I can help her get a piece of her old self back, then I’d be a selfish fucker if I didn’t do this for her.
Hesitantly, I get out of the car and walk around to open my mum’s door. I count the same five motherfucking steps in my head, just like I did when I was a kid. Instead of the excitement that consumed me all those years ago, I’m filled with dread.
My stomach is churning when we stand in front of the big yellow door, except this time it doesn’t look so big. It’s just a regular door, and I fucking hate it. Hate it, and everything that lies behind it with a passion. So much so, I have to fight the urge to kick the living shit out of it. How can a person hate a damn door so much?
Because it’s haunted my fucking dreams for the past nineteen years, that’s why.
My mum’s hand rises in the air before her knuckles connect with the wood. She knocks twice. Her hand reaches for mine before giving it a comforting squeeze, except this time it’s anything but. Just like the previous time we were here, her head turns in my direction as she looks up at me and smiles. I’m no longer five, so now I tower over her tiny frame. This is déjà vu at its motherfucking worst. Christ, I feel like I’m going to be sick again.
Both our hands are trembling as we await our fate. We don’t have to wait long. A minute later the door swings open. A frail, older version of my mum stands before us. I hold my breath as my heart pounds rapidly against my ribcage. I exhale when she briefly makes eye contact with my mum before launching herself into her arms.