“I know there’s something seriously wrong with me inside,” I said quietly. “I can’t deny it.”
“Bastian-”
“Let me finish,” I said quickly. If I didn’t get it out now, I never would. “This isn’t about not being worthy of you or whatever—there’s more to it than that. There is something wrong with me, and don’t tell me you don’t know that.”
I paused, but she didn’t interject.
“I don’t know that I can control those…those urges. There’s a need inside of me to lash out. It’s so fucking deep, and I can’t explain it; I just know it’s there. As far back as I can remember, it’s always been there.”
“Sometimes you do okay,” Raine said. “You do all right when John Paul is around.”
“That’s different. He doesn’t ask those kinds of questions.”
“So you feel comfortable around him.”
“Yeah, I guess so. Most of the time.”
“Why is that?” she asked.
Well, fuck if I knew. It just was.
“He’s…he’s always been there for me.”
“And what? You don’t think Lindsay and Nick care?”
“They care about you, not me.”
“That’s not fair,” she said. “They’ve both tried to get along with you. You aren’t very receptive.”
“It’s fake,” I said. “They do it for you, not me. It’s kinda hard to take their shit seriously when it’s all an act.”
“How do you know that?”
“I can just tell, okay?” I snapped. “It’s like knowing when a chick is faking an orgasm; if she’s not clenching down on my cock, she’s not coming.”
And just like that, I was back to being a dick again.
“Being crude and obnoxious doesn’t help,” Raine growled. “It’s just me here now, so why don’t you stop the shit?”
Raine almost never cussed, so it usually caught my attention when she did. Recognizing it didn’t even change my behavior though. When push came to shove, it was always the same for me—get the fuck out. I shoved myself off of the bed and away from her, grabbed my smokes, and went to the balcony.
Raine followed.
“You can’t just walk away from the conversation,” she informed me.
“I dunno,” I said, still in pissy-mode, “I’ve done it before.”
I knew I was being a jerk, but I also thought if I came right out and told her that I’d love to send Nick flying off this balcony, she would like that even less. I wanted to say or do something to make it all right again, but as usual, I was clueless.
I turned toward her, and the small light near the top of the balcony door shone over my face, making me squint. Raine narrowed her eyes, and she took a step closer to me. Her fingers brushed over my cheekbone, and though I tried not to, I flinched as she touched the bruise on my face. Her eyes went wide.
“What happened to you?”
“It’s nothing,” I said.
She straightened up and leaned forward to get a better look at me. With her hand on the side of my face, she tilted my head into the light and glared a bit.
“What happened?”
“Just a little tiff,” I said with a shrug. “Seriously, it’s no big deal.”
“You got in a fight? With who?”
“Just some dude,” I shrugged again. “I went riding, stopped for a bit to walk it off, and then ran into a guy who wasn’t all that pleasant. It’s all good—he got it worse than he gave.”
“Is that really all you have to say about it?”
I took a slight step back but was stopped by the balcony door. I looked off into the distance and watched the waves slipping back and forth over the beach.
“I guess I’ll take that as a yes,” Raine mumbled.
“Pretty much,” I replied. I looked back to her. “I’m fine.”
“If you say so.”
“Don’t be pissed.”
“It’s kind of late for that,” Raine sighed. “I just don’t know what to make of you sometimes.”
“I’m a dick,” I said. “You already know this.”
“Not usually.” Raine reached up and ran her fingers through her hair. I tried not to get distracted by the way the dark strands lay against her neck and shoulder. “When you are, I usually understand why, but not with this. I don’t understand why you don’t realize Nick is trying to be your friend, and I don’t understand why you react to it by going out and beating up someone else.”
“He was asking for it,” I said quietly.
“Nick or the guy you beat up?”
I wasn’t really sure myself, so I went back to the ever-present and noncommittal shrug.
“You’re really trying my patience,” she said.
I looked back at her, realizing how angry she still was. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do or say—all this relationship shit was a mystery to me. I never said the right shit, and I certainly didn’t do the right shit. I was probably the worst match for my gentle Raine as I could possibly be, and that just made me want to cling to her, so I did.
I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around her. I pulled her close to me and kissed her gently on the forehead.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“For what?” she asked.
“Everything I do wrong,” I replied. “I’m a shitty boyfriend, you know that.”
She took a deep breath and blew the air across my shoulder as she laid her head against my chest. Her arms came up around my neck.
“You are my hero,” Raine said. “You’ve always been that to me. My savoir, and despite your flaws, I still love you. I just wish you’d tell me what was going on in your head in a way I could understand.”
“My head is fucked up,” I told her. “I don’t know how much of that is fixable, babe.”
I leaned back a little and looked down into her eyes.
“Seriously,” I said. More tension flowed through my body as I tried to choose the right words. “If…if your father was still alive, do you really think he’d approve of you being with me?”
I felt Raine tense in my arms. Bringing up her father might not have been the wisest thing to do, but it was the best way to get my point across. After all, I was right there when he was tortured and murdered, and I didn’t do a damn thing to stop it from happening.
I hadn’t known Raine then and had no idea who her father was other than being a small-town cop in the wrong part of the big city at the wrong time. Why he was there I didn’t know, only that once he was discovered, Landon’s crime boss, Joseph Franks, wasn’t about to let him live. Everyone in the area who was considered a threat to Franks and his organization was rounded up, brutally tortured, and eventually executed.
I had watched it all, unable to intervene.
I shifted my eyes back to Raine’s face and observed her far-away expression. Tightening my arms around her, I pressed my lips to her shoulder. I hadn’t meant to upset her by bringing up her deceased father, but I needed to make the point.
“He wouldn’t want you dating me,” I said.
Raine flicked the tip of her tongue over her lips.
“I don’t know,” she said softly. “He wouldn’t like what you used to do, obviously, but neither do I. I think if he got to know you—really know you—I think he might have been okay with it.”
I snorted through my nose at the ridiculousness of her statement.
“I mean it,” Raine said. “I don’t know if I can honestly say he would have liked you or wanted to hang out with you on the weekends, but I think if he saw how you are with me, I think he’d understand.”
“You’re crazy,” I muttered. “What exactly do you think he would see? Me snapping at you for no fucking reason? Running out on you when I get pissed off? What do you think he’d like more—the chain smoking or the bike?”