Shuya shook his head. Now he felt foolish believing they could unite against their situation.
“I never thought someone like him would actually try to kill everyone else to survive. I understand the rules, but I didn’t think anyone would actually participate.”
“You might be wrong about that though,” Noriko said.
“Huh?” Shuya looked into Noriko’s face, too dark to discern under the moonlight. Noriko continued,
“You know how Yoshio was always timid. I think he was scared. That must’ve been it. I mean you have no idea who might turn against you. He might have been convinced everyone was coming after him. I think he was really scared. And that if he didn’t do anything he would end up being… killed…”
Shuya sat down against the nearest tree trunk and stretched his legs out.
The ones who were terrified might try to kill each other… The same idea had occurred to Shuya, but he had also thought the ones who were scared would basically hide out. But if they were terrified out of their wits, they might actually take their own initiative.
“I get it.”
“Yes,” Noriko nodded. “It’s still horrible that he started killing indiscriminately.”
They remained silent for a while. Then Shuya came up with an idea. “Hey, you think if he’d seen the two of us together he wouldn’t have attacked us? Wouldn’t it prove we’re not playing the game?”
“Well yes, maybe.”
Shuya started thinking. If as Noriko said Yoshio had just been overwhelmed by paranoia…
That moment back there was when he first realized someone was willing to play. That was why he fled. But maybe that was wrong. How could they possibly kill each other? It was outrageous. Then should he have waited for the others, leaving aside what he should have done with Yoshio?
Either way, it was too late now. Everyone would be gone by now even if they went back. Besides, did Yoshio do that simply out of fear?
He was getting confused.
“Hey, Noriko.” Noriko lifted her face.
“What do you think? I fled from the school grounds the moment I realized there might be others like Yoshio. But… if he really did it out fear… in other words, do you really think any of us would actually participate? What I mean is that… I’m thinking of gathering everyone together to escape from this game. What do you think?”
“Everyone?”
Noriko fell silent and tucked her knees under her skirt. Then she said, “Maybe I’m not as generous.”
“Huh?”
“I couldn’t handle some of them. I could trust my friends….” Noriko mentioned the name of their class representative, Yukie Utsumi. Shuya knew Yukie since elementary school.
“Like Yukie. But I don’t think I could trust the other girls. There’s no way I could be with them. Don’t you think? I have no idea what was going through Yoshio’s mind, but I’m afraid of everyone else too. I mean… I just realized I don’t know a thing about everyone else. I don’t know what they’re really like. I mean… you can’t see into someone’s mind.”
I don’t know a thing about everyone else.
She was right, Shuya thought. What do I know about this group that I spend the day with at school? He suddenly felt like there was an enemy out there.
Noriko continued, “So I-I’d be suspicious. Unless it was someone I really trusted, I’d be suspicious of them. I’d be afraid they might want to kill me.”
Shuya sighed. The game was horrible. But it also seemed flawless. In the end, it was a bad idea to invite everyone indiscriminately to form a group unless you were certain about them. What if—let’s just say what if—they betrayed you? It wasn’t just his life but Noriko’s too he’d be endangering. Yes—it was only natural the others before him had immediately fled the premises. That was more realistic.
“Hold on a sec,” Shuya said. Noriko glanced up at Shuya. “Then that means us being together won’t necessarily prove we’re harmless. The others might suspect that I plan on killing you eventually.”
Noriko nodded. “Yes, I’ll be suspected too, just like you. A classmate might avoid us once they see us together, but I also think anyone we invite will turn away. I mean it would depend on each person.”
Shuya held his breath. “It would be scary.”
“Yes, it’s really scary.”
So the ones who fled from the school premises might have been right. But what mattered to him was protecting Noriko Nakagawa, the girl Yoshitoki adored. Maybe he should have been content with the fact that at the very least Noriko Nakagawa was safe by his side now. He had done the safest thing. But…
“But,” he said, “at the very least I wanted Shinji to join us. I think he’d come up with a really good plan. You’d be okay with Shinji, right?”
Noriko nodded and said, “Of course.” Given the amount of time she spoke with Shuya at school, she had many occasions to talk to Shinji Mimura. Beside, Shuya recalled how Shinji had helped her up and how he’d signaled him to calm down. He realized now that if Shinji hadn’t done those things, he and Noriko would have remained dazed and been shot down like Yoshitoki.
As if she were thinking along the same lines that led to the inevitable, she looked down and quietly said, “So Nobu’s gone.”
“Yeah,” Shuya answered quietly, as if it were a bizarre fact, “I guess so.”
Then they fell silent again. They could reminisce but now was not the time. Besides, Shuya couldn’t bring himself to take a stroll down memory lane over Yoshitoki. It was too heavy.
“I wonder what we should do.”
Noriko stiffened her mouth and nodded without a word.
“I wonder if there might be a way to gather the ones we trust together.”
“That’s…” Noriko considered it, then became silent once again. It was true—there was no way. At least for now.
Shuya sighed deeply once again.
He looked up and saw through the twigs the gray night sky dimly glowing under the moonlight. So this was what it meant to be in a “no-win situation.” If they simply wanted everyone to join, all they had to do was walk around and shout. But that would be an open invitation to get themselves killed by any of their opponents. Of course he hoped there weren’t any opponents but… in the end, he had to admit he was scared too.
The thought led to an idea, though. Shuya turned to her and asked, “But you’re not afraid of me?”
“What?”
“Didn’t you wonder whether I’d try to kill you?”
Under the moonlight, he couldn’t see well, but Noriko’s eyes seemed to widen a little. “You would never do something so horrible.”
Shuya thought a little more. Then he said, “But you can’t know what someone’s thinking. You said yourself.”
“No,” Noriko shook her head. “I just know that you would never do that.”
Shuya looked at her face directly. He probably looked dazed. “You can… tell?”
“Yes… I can. I…” She hesitated, but then continued, “I’ve been watching you for so long now.” She might have delivered these words more stiffly in a normal situation, or at least one that was a little more romantic.
That was how Shuya recalled the anonymous love letter he’d received written on light blue stationary. Someone had put it inside his desk one day in April. This wasn’t the first love letter the former star shortstop and current self-proclaimed (sometimes by others as well) rock and roll star of Shiroiwa Junior High had received, but it made enough of an impression on Shuya for him to hold onto it. There was a poetic quality to the letter that touched him.
It read, “Even if it’s a lie, even if it’s a dream, please turn to me. Your smile on a certain day isn’t a lie, it’s not a dream. But having it turn to me might be my lie, my dream. But the day you call my name, it won’t be a lie, it won’t be a dream.” And then, “It’s never been a lie, it’s never been a dream that I love you.”