“I just…” I sighed as the tourist woman walked past me to the door. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’ll be okay,” Josh assured me softly. “Trust me. I know it will.” I shook my head, swallowing past a lump in my throat. “I don’t know what to say.”
“How about saying yes.”
“Yes?” I asked quizzically. “To what?”
“To me.” This time his voice was near a whisper.
And so was mine. “Oh Josh…”
He cleared his throat. “I made reservations at the Plaza.”
“Yikes!” I rested my forehead on my hand. “I think it’s a little soon. Don’t you? I mean…it feels like… like having sex at a funeral.”
“That’s morbidly hot.” He laughed.
“Josh!”
“Well, I did it for two reasons,” he explained. “I admit, it gives us a place to go besides the car…but it also gives me a place to stay.”
“She’s kicking you out?” I exclaimed.
“No…” he corrected me. “I told her I was leaving.”
I blinked, feeling tears stinging my eyes. “Is this really what you want?”
“ You are what I want.”
My heart stopped. “Oh Josh…”
“All you have to do is say yes.”
“I don’t know…” I breathed. This was all so very complicated-and getting worse by the minute. “I mean…”
“Say yes, Janie.” If it wasn’t Josh, I’d swear he was almost pleading with me.
“Don’t think. Don’t weigh the pros and cons. Just feel. Do what you feel.”
“That always gets me into trouble…” I reminded him.
“I don’t believe it.”
“I want to…” I whispered. “I do…”
“So do it,” he urged. “Just say yes, Janie.”
I closed my eyes and whispered, “Yes, Janie.”
“Yes?” He wasn’t just smiling now, I could tell. He was grinning.
“Yes.” What else could I say?
CHAPTER SEVEN
“You going out with Josh tonight?” Ronnie sat on the edge of the tub, drawing a bath. I was just out of the shower, getting ready.
“Not tonight.”
Josh had called to tell me we’d have to postpone because he had to take the red-eye to Boston. I’ll be back Monday, he’d promised. But today was Saturday and Monday felt like a million years away. I didn’t want to admit how much I missed him, how much I wanted to see him. Not just now, but all the time.
“Trouble in paradise?” Ronnie raised her eyebrows. I glanced over at her as she shed her robe and stepped into the tub. It was one of those corner ones with jets and everything. She had candles lit all around it-she liked to soak and read or just relax.
She could stay in there for hours.
I studied her as she leaned against the sloped back of the tub, her breasts and belly peeking out of the water. Her tummy was really rounded now, her belly-button nearly flattened. Her areola was a darker shade of pink, almost red-her nipples, too.
She was beautiful, and I admired her, smiling to myself. She’d been like a cross between a mother and a lover to me, a strangely exciting combination.
“Ronnie, how did you know TJ was the one?” I asked.
She looked up at me, her eyes widening slightly, and then she smiled. “Wow. Are things that serious?”
I swallowed and shrugged, wrapping my towel more tightly around me.
“Come here.” She held out a hand and I went to sit on the edge of the tub. She slipped a wet hand over my knee, rubbing tenderly. “When I met TJ, I was dating someone else. I was dating him, but I wasn’t in love with him. There was just no… I don’t know… no real connection.”
I nodded. I’d had a few of those sorts of boyfriends in my life.
“But when I met TJ, I felt…” She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath, and I knew she must have been remembering. She looked at me and then laughed. “I felt like I got hit with a Mack truck. Honestly, it was almost painful, the attraction I felt toward him. I thought I was going crazy. I’d never fallen so hard for anyone before.” I blinked back tears, feeling stupid for being so emotional, but it was just how I felt about Josh. It had all gone so fast, but it was like a ride I’d been strapped into and couldn’t get out of. Not that I wanted to. Even if it was a little scary.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” She smiled sympathetically.
I shook my head, but then I burst into tears. “I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“Oh sweetie, Janie, it’s okay,” she crooned to me, reaching her arms out, and I went to her, tossing my towel on the floor and letting her cuddle me in the warm water as we rocked, making little waves.
“I’m sorry,” I gulped, resting my cheek against her breast.
She kissed my forehead, stroking my wet hair. “You don’t need to apologize, sweetheart. Did you really think we didn’t expect you to fall in love some day?” I gave a shuddering sigh, clinging to her more tightly. “I just love you guys so much.”
“We love you, too.” She tilted my chin up so she could look into my eyes. “But we don’t own you. You need a man of your own. It’s the way it should be.”
“It’s all so complicated,” I complained.
“It doesn’t have to be,” Ronnie insisted. “Your mom taught me that.” I startled. We didn’t talk much about that time in Key West. I knew what had happened. I knew my parents lived an open lifestyle, like TJ and Ronnie and I did, and that it all started back then, when Ronnie was our babysitter. My parents had sort of adopted Ronnie the way she and TJ had adopted me.
“But I’ll be honest with you, Janie.” Ronnie’s arms tightened around me. “As much as I love Carrie and Doc, I knew I couldn’t stay in that type of relationship, not as the ‘third.’”
“I feel that way sometimes. I see the way TJ looks at you and my heart just aches…”
She gave me a quizzical look. “How does he look at me?”
“Like you’re the only woman in the world.”
She flushed with pleasure at my words, and I didn’t blame her. “And you want someone to look at you like that?” She went on before I could respond. “Well why not?
You deserve that. You should have it.”
“But what if…” I sighed. “What if Josh won’t accept you and TJ and…us?” She was quiet for a moment. “Then you’ll have to choose.”
“I can’t do that.” I buried my face against her breast, my heart breaking at the thought. How could I give this up-this woman who loved me, her husband who had taken me into his life, his arms, his bed? And I didn’t even want to contemplate not seeing little Bethie every day. That was too much.
“Listen to me.” Ronnie tilted my chin up, forcing me to look at her with tearful eyes. “I love you. And I love you enough to let you go, if I have to. If it’s what will make you happy, I’m okay with that. Whatever you decide.”
“He isn’t going to want me to be with you,” I wailed, sniffling.
She rocked me gently, kissing my cheek. “But doesn’t he have an open marriage with his wife?”
I gave a short, little laugh. “She wants a divorce.”
“What?” Ronnie exclaimed.
I sighed. “When she found out he was seeing me, she said she wanted a divorce.”
“But… why?”
I shrugged. “Mostly because I think she realized she was a lesbian.”
“Oh…” Ronnie blinked. “Well I suppose that’s a pretty good reason.”
“But I have a feeling Josh isn’t going to want to do it again,” I said. “You know, the whole open relationship thing.”
“You’re probably right.” Her look, so sad, broke my heart. I couldn’t do this. I just couldn’t. “When are you going to tell him?”
“I don’t know.” I looked at my wrist, pretending to glance at a fake watch.