The tears flooded my face and when Ky realized he pulled back and watched me closely. I knew he thought this was his fault when in reality it was all me. I cupped his face with my hands and leaned in, kissing his lips lightly before pulling away to find a look of complete confusion taking over his beautiful face.
“This isn’t me Ky. I’m not this girl. I don’t do this.”
His arms tightened around me and pulled me closer. “You deserve it all babe; to be kissed, held, caressed, loved, and cherished. That’s your given right. Your tears confuse me; they destroy me; they frustrate me because I know someone has taken this away from you.”
He knew.
“I want your thoughts, your fears, and all of your desires. It’s time for you to tell me everything Eden. Right here, right now,” Ky continued as his fingers ran through my hair tenderly.
I pulled away from his chest and climbed off his lap until I stood by the couch desperate for an escape. “I, uh, please don’t ask me that. I need to use the bathroom.”
I rushed out of the living room and escaped into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I rubbed my chest as I felt panic rise within me. The thought of opening up, of telling my deepest secrets to Ky, scared me. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing him look at me like I was broken, like I was a wounded animal barely hanging on for life. That thought alone confused me because if I were to be honest with myself, I had already considered revealing everything to him and I don’t know why.
I splashed some water on my face and counted to ten, inhaling and exhaling deeply as the panic subsided. If I walked out and pretended none of this happened maybe he wouldn’t pressure me. I did a silent prayer and walked out of the bathroom and into the living room knowing that the longer I hid myself away the more chance that he would make a big deal of it.
The moment I appeared he spoke. “Eden, look at me,” he demanded in a soft voice that caressed my heart.
I shook my head and stood in front of the couch.
“Look at me.” This time his voice wasn’t so soft.
I gave in and lifted my gaze from the floor and looked at him. His eyes swam with compassion, encouragement, and determination. We locked onto each other, neither of us willing to speak.
It hit me.
Suddenly the urge to tell him everything took over and the doubts I had vanished as his eyes showed me everything he was. They showed warmth I had never witnessed before and an acceptance that I had always wanted. This man before me, who had stormed into my life, screaming in my face when he had the urge to protect me, was becoming a confusing commodity. Maybe I needed to tell my story to someone who had no ties, no connection, who I would be leaving in a matter of weeks? Maybe talking about it in the place that it happened would offer some closure.
“Just let me talk, please don’t interrupt me,” I whispered before my confidence fled for the hills.
He sat back on the couch, pushing his back against the side of the couch. I sat on the other end, folding my legs under myself and started twisting my hands in my lap.
This was it.
I dropped my eyes and took a deep breath. “Four years ago I had the world at my feet. I was in college, I had a great bunch of friends, a loving family, and I loved everything about my life and where it was going. It was almost like I was being swallowed by happiness and I wouldn’t have changed that. I remember the day like it was yesterday. My friend asked me to go to the Christmas end of semester frat party and I thought why not. I usually wasn’t one to go to parties, it just wasn’t my thing but I thought to myself, ‘what’s the worst that could happen’?
“I was having such an amazing time—dancing, beer shots, laughing, and general fun with my friends. The feeling of someone watching me never left and although it made me feel uncomfortable, I didn’t think anything of it. The room was jam packed with people and it was so hot in there even though it was freezing outside. It got to the point that the air was so thick that you could barely breathe so I walked outside to get some fresh air. That’s where he approached me. He said all the right things; he made me feel comfortable; he made me laugh; he offered me his jacket and then asked if I could help him get more alcohol for the party. Of course I said I’d help, he gave me no reason to say no, and I didn’t think anything of it.”
I slammed my eyes shut as I was taken back to that devastating moment. I had been so stupid, so trusting, so innocent. My skin began to crawl as Jeremey Davis seeped back into my thoughts. I couldn’t let him win, and I knew talking about this would somehow allow me find some ounce of strength and make me feel like maybe I could finally begin to win.
“As soon as we left the safety of the house, he changed. He grabbed my arm so rough, so forcefully, that I remember knowing that it would bruise. I wish that had been the least of my worries. He pulled me through the grounds toward the dorms, and he barely said a word to me. I could hardly keep up with his stride and that’s when I began to struggle; I knew I had to fight but the more I fought, the more violent he got.
“He dragged me into his room, and the moment I said no to him it was like it was his role to punish me. The first time he hit me, I was stunned. I remember the taste of blood in my mouth. I think I was shocked more than anything. I couldn’t believe that was happening to me. I remember screaming no and scratching at his face but that was the worst decision in my life because after that he became unhuman; I watched the humanity leave his body because I had said no. My biggest mistake was saying no because after I did, he raped me. He made it his right to take everything he wanted from me. He took my virginity, my voice, my respect, and my contentment. Everything. I will never forget that feeling. People say that you can’t remember pain, but I will never forget it. I tried to take myself away, to escape in my mind to a peaceful place, but every time I closed my eyes he would hit me and bring me back to that nightmare. I thought I was dying; I remember tasting blood; my eye swelled shut and my jaw felt like it was barely hanging on. Hit after hit he gave me while he raped me over and over again.”
By now tears flooded my face and my chest felt like it was constricting. Ky hadn’t said a word. I finally looked at him and found his face void of any emotion, a blank canvas, yet his knuckles were screaming bright white from gripping hold of the cushion in his lap. I sobbed loudly, gasping for a desperate breath and looked to the ceiling desperate to find some strength to continue.
“I don’t know what happened after that. I woke up to the smell of disinfectant and my mom sobbing beside me. I was in the hospital. From that day forward I was never the same again. I was in the hospital for a week before I discharged myself. I went straight to my parents’ house, packed up as much as I could, then I escaped. I couldn’t be here. San Francisco was my destination. I stayed in a hotel when I moved there until I saw the ad for a room, so within two days of being there I found a new house, a new friend, and a life where no one knew anything about me. I couldn’t be Eden Rivers anymore.”
I didn’t know what I was expecting to feel; I didn’t know what I expected Ky to do. We sat there, not moving, not speaking, the only sound was my quiet sobs as I tried to find calm in the storm that was rumbling within me. It hurt, every part of me hurt from reliving that but I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders being able to tell it to someone that wasn’t involved. Ky remained frozen and watched me so closely. It seemed like he was completely shutting down, and his face gave me no clue as to what was going through his thoughts. After what seemed like a lifetime, he uncurled his body and stood from the couch; his eyes never leaving me.