“He confuses me. He says things to me that make me believe he wants this. I’ve fought this for so long Ashlyn; I never wanted to be close to anyone but then Ky came into my life and slowly but surely he has broken down my reserves and made me believe again. I didn’t have to pretend to want to be around him any longer. I didn’t cry after every time I saw him because I was exhausted from pretending. I feel safe with him.”
I pushed back further into the seat, my body molding to the concaves of the pure leather, and I focused my attention back to the party and space below. Since the first time I saw him, my eyes were drawn to Ky like a moth to a flame, and I couldn’t stop the pull. Ky moved through the crowd with a confidence, a grace that couldn’t be matched; there was a determination in his step that begged for acknowledgement. He worked the room like a true professional, but the scowl that was etched over his perfect face and the severity of his tight jaw was evident even from here.
Ashlyn leaned over the small table that sat between our chairs and fired a suggestive look my way. “How about we go and talk to this hot band you know. I want a photo with them. Is that too fan girl? Will you make it seem just like a group selfie or something?”
The combination of Blake and Colby strikes again.
Ashlyn and I made our way downstairs. Thankfully the effects of one too many cosmopolitans were starting to dissipate from my body and I was left with the realization of what I had done. I was forced to quickly come to terms with the brutal honesty that I had not only divulged to Josh but also to Ky.
I looked around the bar for any signs of Colby and Blake and the moment I found them I drew in a deep breath; my wide eyes landed on Ky who was standing with them in deep conversation. Ashlyn's hand grabbed mine, and we weaved through the crowd on our way toward them. I couldn’t ignore the nerves of watching my two worlds colliding right before my eyes.
My step didn’t falter as I walked straight into the arms of Colby and curled my body around his as I hugged him for dear life. I didn’t care about anything at that moment, and as usual, as so many times before, being in his arms provided me with the comfort that took me away from reality and soothed the soaring emotions ricocheting within me.
“What’s going on with you two?” he whispered gently into my ear, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. I didn’t even need to ask, I knew exactly who he was talking about.
“There is absolutely nothing going on.”
Colby took it as cue to cease conversation about Ky, and they all fell into conversation around me. I stood in silence taking in the banter of Blake and Colby, feeling a twinge of sadness at not knowing when I would see them again. I would be going back to San Francisco in a little over two weeks, and they would be hitting the road for God only knew how long. Most surprisingly was Ky’s interaction with them. The three of them spoke of the West Coast, music, and football. He spoke so fluently, like he was catching up with old friends, yet he still kept his eyes from mine.
“Ashlyn, I either need to get completely drunk or dance until I can’t stand. What are we looking at?” Four sets of eyes suddenly turned to me, taking in my brash announcement and offered me unwanted looks of concern.
My eyes met with Ky’s narrowed gaze and the slightest shake of his head in dismissal grabbed my attention. I felt the waves of submission crashing within me. Intensity roared around us and suddenly it felt like everything and everyone disappeared leaving us in our personal vortex of intensity.
“Don’t do this,” he growled into my ear after he crossed the space between us and pulled me to his chest.
I wanted to fight him. I wanted to push away. I wanted to run away.
“What am I doing?” I asked meekly and looked up at him, the feeling of fight floating away. I had no clue whether Ashlyn, Colby, or Blake were even still standing around us, and at that point I didn’t care.
“Don’t push me. I am fighting every single fucking day to stop the thoughts of taking you and just when I think I have it under control you go and say things like you said tonight. Eden, why do you feel safe with me? How do you know I’m not just a guy who will fuck you and run? I could be the worst thing that has happened to you. I could destroy everything you deserve, and I can’t be that guy.”
“You will never be that guy,” I whispered.
Defeat and rejection were a devastating combination. Like a continuous slap to the face, over and over again, just to make sure you felt the sharpness of every contact to your brutalized skin.
I found his pleading eyes and felt more confused than ever. For the first time in recent memory, I had actually considering wholeheartedly giving myself to a man but now that was being shattered by words that I didn’t believe. But who was I to fight?
“You should have just told me to leave.” I whispered and watched as his face dropped.
I didn’t await a response.
••••
The bed dipped beside me at some crazy hour of the morning. I had been staring at the ceiling of the guest room for the past three hours and to say I was surprised that Ky was in here would be an understatement. I had heard the front door open and the sound of keys crashing against the glass table then heavy footsteps that disappeared into the bathroom.
I held my breath and lay as still as a statue, faking the sleep that had evaded me. The pillow beside me shuddered as weight landed on it. He was getting into the bed. The coolness of the air as he lifted the comforter shimmered against my skin and instinctively my body curled inwards to provide itself with the warmth that had been lost.
“This was never meant to happen; I wasn’t meant to fall for you,” his thick voice whispered into the silence. I remained still and tried to desperately swallow his admission. Shock, panic, and confusion circled within me. He swept my body into his strong arms and pulled me against his naked chest. My head rested against the thundering of his heart and his hand rested so soft on the bareness of my hip.
“I’m sorry for falling for the perfect girl. You’ve always been the perfect girl.”
I refused Eden.
She had begged me to fuck her, and I refused her. What the hell was wrong with me? After what had been a perfect day and a huge success to her, I had to go and wreck it because of my fears. The look on her face as I dismissed her wouldn’t leave my thoughts. She had told me everything that was running through her head yet I still didn’t grow a set of balls and give in to what both she and I wanted; it was the only thing I wanted.
I had fallen head first for this girl and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop.
••••
Anderson Publications was abuzz with talk of the photo shoot that Eden had done for the next issue of Bangs and Beats. Everyone had an opinion on their favorite, and I had heard numerous women discussing which member of the band they wanted to fuck. Seriously, grown women have very filthy mouths when it came to musicians.
I was standing by the copier talking to Derrick when the sound of heels connecting with the tiled floor grabbed my attention.
“Fuck she is hot. I’d fuck her till Sunday if I had a chance,” Derrick growled beside me.
I followed Derrick’s line of sight and my eyes fell on Eden as she walked toward us wearing skinny jeans, a black turtleneck, and the red fucking jacket. Her eyes locked onto mine, and I swallowed hard at the sight of her.
“Crawford!”
“What? Sorry.” Derrick's smirk said all that he needed to say, and I simply shrugged him off. “Got a meeting, Talk to you later.”
I didn’t listen to his smartass comment. I needed to speak with her. I followed the sound of her heels then walked into the boardroom and shut the door behind me. She spun on her heels.