“Well why does it seem like I’ve been a game since day one? I’m not a toy Ky; I am not a game; I told you that.”
Her voice cracked under the enormity of her words, and my heart twisted ferociously as I watched one solitary tear slide over her cheek. This was my fault; the pain on her face, the anguish in her voice and the breaking of her heart. It was all me. My thumb swept up the tear, and her eyes closed under my touch.
“I thought I was doing the right thing. All I wanted was to show you the life you deserved, the life that was stolen from you. I’ve been sitting on this for four years. I’m so sorry baby.”
She took a step away from me and turned back toward the bed, the bed that I wanted to be our bed, in the apartment that I wanted to be our apartment. Her shoulders dropped and I knew in that moment everything we shared was flashing before her eyes.
“What are you sorry for Ky? Getting caught up in a lie? Hiding something from me that had the potential to destroy me? I can’t even look at you right now, and I hate that.” Her voice cracked under her words and her head dipped in defeat.
I stood behind her and lifted my gaze to the ceiling and my mind went crazy with scenarios. I wanted to touch her, to provide her with the comfort my arms could give. I wanted to give her the world but I knew all I needed to give her was my truth in the rawest possible form and hope to god she listened.
“Eden, do you honestly think I’d ever want to hurt you? I didn’t know when I came up with the idea of a month with you that I would completely fall for you and feel something I’d never felt for a woman before.” I grabbed hold of her hand and turned her until she faced me, finally her eyes met mine. “I thought I’d have a month to show you that you could smile, that you could hang out with a guy and have complete control. I wanted to show you that you were able to say no. I can’t help that you have taken over my mind, that every single one of my thoughts involves you and that you have gotten so far into my heart that you’ll be there forever. I never wanted to be someone’s prince charming, I never imagined myself having a future with a woman because I didn’t think I deserved it but you Eden, you have opened my eyes to possibilities, you make me want to be your prince charming, your knight in shining armor, your protector, fuck I want to be your everything. You are what I want Eden; now, then and in the future. I want every single part of you. All of you.”
Her cheeks streaked with tears as she took in my brutally honest words. My hands cupped her face and I dropped my mouth softly to hers and left the lightest of kiss on her lips.
“I can’t do this Ky.” She whispered and pleaded with her eyes for distance. “I’m going to stay with Ashlyn and try and sort all this out. Please just give me time.”
“Tell me what to do Eden. I can’t give up on you.”
“I don’t know how I can move past this because now when I look at you I see the one guy who I never wanted to break my heart…but in the end, he did.”
••••
The moment Eden walked out of my apartment I collapsed into a heap. It was done. I had lost her because I didn’t have the balls to admit who I was the moment she arrived in my life. All I wanted to do was protect her, to cherish her and make her believe in happiness. I wanted to give that to her and so much more but what I had done was break her already fragile heart.
Knowing that she was at Ashlyn’s provided me with little comfort. At least I knew she was safe. I paced my apartment, and the thought of rushing to Ashlyn’s apartment crossed my mind repeatedly, but I needed to respect Eden’s wishes. That night I drank until I couldn’t stand, until my blood had turned to scotch, until I couldn’t remember who I was or the fucked-up situation that had unraveled around me.
It was three days before I finally started feeling human again. I had finally slept and showered and now I stood in front of the window and looked out over the city as I had my usual morning cup of coffee, but it wasn’t the same. Because I wasn’t sharing morning coffee with her.
“Ky, where are you?” Ashlyn’s voice bounced off the walls as she stormed in with a vengeance. She halted when I came into view. “Fuck me! When have you started rocking the hobo chic look?” she taunted, taking in my newly acquired beard taking over my jaw.
“Hi to you too.”
“I am almost afraid to kiss you for fear that I’ll get lost in your bush.”
For the first time since Eden left I laughed until my insides hurt. She soon joined me by the window and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me in for a tight hug. I fell against her body and breathed in her perfume and instantly I thought of Eden. I had been thinking of her every minute of every day. I had kept her wish, I hadn’t attempted to make contact with her, and it was killing me.
“I fucking miss her,” I whispered into the confines of Ashlyn’s neck.
“I know you do but I can’t watch you destroy yourself. I can’t deal with having two of my favorite people in the world hurting.”
She was talking about Eden.
I pulled away from her. “How is she?” I asked hopefully, praying to God that Ashlyn would find it in her heart to tell me.
“She is hurt Ky, she is really struggling to try and understand all this. She doesn’t understand why you didn’t just tell her; she is scared that she doesn’t know what the truth is anymore.”
“I just need to talk to her, to tell her, to try and make this right. I will understand if she can’t forgive me, and I deserve that, but she deserves my truth. She deserved it from day one. I thought I was doing the right thing Ashlyn; I just wanted to give her everything I couldn’t give her four years ago.”
“All she wanted was you Ky.”
I woke for another day of hiding out in Ashlyn’s apartment, another day of allowing my thoughts to strangle me. I had barely said anything about what I was now referring to as the ‘incident.’ Ashlyn had tried; Josh constantly came to visit and my phone was relentlessly bombarded with messages from Ky but really who could I trust? My days were spent editing photos, watching daytime television, and conversing through email when I needed to discuss the project. I had one more shoot and then I was leaving.
I stumbled into the small guest bathroom in Ashlyn’s apartment and was slapped in the face by the distinct smell of Ky that lingered in the air. It was the same scent that had the ability to send me over the edge and into an unknown land of bliss within seconds. It had been three days since my past crashed head first into my present. Three days since I had run out of his apartment, since his lips had been on my body, and three days since I’d had any sleep. I was a narcissist—that was the only way to explain the thoughts zooming through my mind. I wanted his scent to attach itself to my needy body; I wanted to wash in his familiarity; I wanted him to imprint himself so deeply within me that I would never forget the little things. I missed him. I never wanted this vulnerability, or this need, and I never wanted these feelings. Confusion swept through me. I needed a distraction; I need to get him out of my head and fast.
I pulled my robe around my body and made my way through the apartment to find Ashlyn making a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen.
“When was Ky here?”
She looked up and greeted me with a wary smile. She was dressed and ready for work while I was getting ready for another day on the couch. “He came to use the shower this morning, his bathrooms are getting some work done to it.”
“Oh okay.” I nodded, a shiver running down my spine at the thought that Ky had been so close.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“I know that you two are in some kind of crazy agreement but everyone can see that it is beyond that.” Ashlyn walked across the room and grabbed both my hands and pulled me toward the couch. “Please talk to me.”