“From the first moment I saw you in the library, you grabbed a tight hold of my attention, and you’ve never lost it.” The sincerity in his voice told me that he was getting ready to admit everything to me, and my nerves fluttered to life.
“That night at Rosie’s, I had every intention of approaching you, but you completely fucked with my head and made the first move. There’s no doubt in my mind that it was then that I knew you’d forever intrigue me. Having you in my bed, and being given the greatest gift I’d ever received, changed me. Without a doubt, you took my heart that night, and yes that confused me. When I woke up to an empty bed, I made the decision that I was going to find you, then ask you to have breakfast with me and spend the day together. One night with a beautiful blond changed everything, and I was ready to work my ass off to make you mine.
“But then I walked out of the bedroom and found Ky laughing and looking completely carefree, like the world had lifted from his shoulders. I’d been watching him destroy himself for months, and every morning I would wake up with the fear that his guilt over everything that happened with Eden had become too much and I would lose him forever. The thought that my brother, the one person I looked up to and wanted to be, had nothing to live for, terrified me.
“It was you, Ash. You were the first person to make him act like himself again. You brought him back to mom, dad, and me. How could I interfere with that? Ky needed you, so I knew that I had to sacrifice what I wanted in order to keep my brother alive. It was as severe as that. He was on a one-way path that he couldn’t get off of, and I truly believe that if it wasn’t for you, he would no longer be here.
“It was my biggest sacrifice, Ashlyn, but I didn’t know what else to do. Having you in my life was and will always be my number one priority. I wanted you to be mine. You climbed so far inside of me that night, but I had to settle with having you in my life as my sexy, sassy friend. I had to watch you start a relationship, knowing that maybe my decision had been the biggest mistake of my life. Then I had to watch you get your heart broken, and I had to live with the fact that I could have stopped that hurt from happening to you. Ashlyn, I had no idea what I could do. I had my brother destroying and slowly killing himself, and I had the girl I wanted a life with within reach.”
A deep sob echoed through the air, and it was only then that I realized I’d been holding my breath. Watching Josh open up and hearing him speak of Ky and his fears shredded my heart. I never knew it was that bad. The color in Josh’s face drained as he spoke of what I knew were dark days for the Crawford family.
His words hit me full force. A sledgehammer of promises that hinted at what I had secretly always wanted. Hearing him say that we could have had that five years ago caused my throat to close and my palms to sweat.
I sat back and moved to the other end of the couch. “I had no idea.” I whispered, trying my hardest to breathe and not succumb to shock. “I wish you didn’t have to go through that on your own. We could have helped him together. I could have been there for you, by your side, like I always wanted to be. That’s all I have ever wanted—to be with you, for you to be mine. You weren’t the only one who was changed by that night. It felt like you made me a woman, and I wanted to be yours. None of the past five years had to happen. Lachlan, Sadie, the women, the heartbreak. None of it. We could have been together.”
My words came out panicked, and I started to shake.
“Ashy, come here,” he said softly.
I shook my head as everything crashed within me, and I pulled away further.
“You and I could have had everything, and I could have given Ky just as much friendship as I did. I have lived the past five years thinking that I was a one-night stand; that the best night of my life was just a regular night to you. What you did for Ky is one of the most beautiful things I have ever heard. It’s making my tummy flutter, and makes me want to swoon and kiss you so hard. But I can’t help thinking about what we have lost, what we could have been.”
“We can be, Ashlyn. No one has ever compared to you, and no one ever will. You tempt me—not just with your body and mind, but with the possibilities of a life that involves you, me, a house, a puppy, and children. You tempt me with the thought of a happily-ever-after. Ashlyn, when have I ever thought of a happily-ever-after? You tempt me with a life of just you. You, Ashlyn, only you.”
Every thought I had, and every opinion that was mine was destroyed in that moment. It was like being told you were beautiful for the very first time. This was Josh at his most vulnerable.
“My heart has only ever been yours, Ashy.”
As he stared at me with eyes begging to give him what he wanted, I was transported into memories of the past five years. All I saw was us. Every time I pushed him away, he always came back, and through every heartbreak and soaring high in my life, he was there to pick up the pieces or congratulate me. Every man I met I compared to him, and every woman I saw him with, I was jealous of.
But we could have bypassed all of that. We could have had all this for five years. What had we lost? What would we never get back?
“I think I just need to be alone tonight,” I whispered, my emotions on the verge of exploding into shards of confusion.
“Don’t push me away, Ashlyn.”
“Please, Josh. I need to get my head around everything. This is huge. I’m trying to understand and process everything.”
I stood from the couch and collected the plates we used for dinner, then walked into kitchen. Some distance between Josh and I was the best thing that could happen right now. The likelihood that I’d get lost in all that he encompassed if I stayed close to him was sky high, and I needed time to work out everything I had learned.
“Ashy.”
I turned toward where his voice was coming from, but my feet suddenly felt like they were cemented to the floor, halting any possible escape plans. My hand felt his heat as he lifted it and wove our fingers together. The feeling of my hand being encased with his and his body so close to mine altered my ability to comprehend anything, and my breath at that moment chose to flee. My tentative gaze dropped to our hands, which fit so perfectly, and it felt like I was living in a world of slow motion when his thumb delicately ran over my skin.
“You’ve got to breathe, Ashy.” His voice spoke so low, and it caused my stomach to flutter. “Be mine today, tomorrow, and forever, because we both know that we are the only ones for one another. I’m going to give you the space you need tonight, but I won’t stay away for long.”
I stood frozen, letting his words penetrate my heart while taunting my mind, as he walked out of the kitchen, through the living room, and to the door. With one last look over his shoulder, he stepped through the door and disappeared, then I headed straight for my wine.
I paced my apartment with a glass of wine swinging in my hand as I got lost in a torrent of Josh Crawford. What did I want? Could I move past this? Tonight had been everything I wanted, but it was the shock of his admission that freaked me out. Now I was heading for a night in, with too much wine and an impending hangover.
He called me his girl.
I could have been his girl for five years. He could have been my guy for five years. Why didn’t I fight for him back then? Why didn’t I question him? Why didn’t I call him out? Because of my own damn insecurities, that’s why. I was a virgin who got laid by the hottest guy she’d ever seen. I was friend zoned and thought I was a one-night stand, and I dealt with it. I wanted him in my life however I could get him. And now, he was telling me everything I had always wanted to hear. Talk about a mind fuck of epic proportions.