But…I didn’t want to leave. I was going into heat so very soon. I couldn’t call Mikkel back now. If I did, my cousin would throw me down on the ground and try to mate me.
Which would be utterly disgusting for both of us.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I repeated.
“Why?”
“My…project isn’t done.” I needed to tell him the truth, but the words weren’t coming out of my mouth. Not yet.
“No project is more important than your safety.”
“You’re right,” I said, thinking of my cousin being (shudder) overcome by my mating heat. “That’s why I’m staying.”
Leif snarled and got to his feet, pacing, the coffee I’d made for him forgotten. “Why are you being so stubborn?”
“Why are you acting like you have any say in what I do?” I retorted.
“I’m acting like a man that wants to mate you,” he roared at me. “I thought that was obvious, Nikolina!”
I reeled, stunned by his words…and his anger. “Mate me?”
He approached me again, knelt down beside me in his mismatched, piecemeal clothing that I’d made him, and his hand cupped my cheek. “What we shared yesterday in your tent—“
Oh god. He’d probably been overcome by my mating hormones. Guilt flooded me. “It was just a bath,” I said, feeling panicky.
“It wasn’t just a bath,” he bit out. “I want you, Nikolina. I—“
I jerked away from him, hot, emotional tears pouring down my cheeks. “That’s just it, though,” I cried. “You don’t really want me.” It was time to tell him the truth.
“Yes, I do want you—“
“No, you don’t,” I said. “Not really. You want Katja, remember?”
He reeled at my words, and it was like I’d struck him. I watched his magnificent blue eyes dilate as memories flashed through his mind. “K-katja?”
“That’s right,” I said, choking back a sob. “Katja.” I dragged one of my packs close and pulled out the photo I’d brought with me for this specific purpose, a photo of a teenage Leif and Katja, their faces pressed together as they embraced. I held it out to him. “I know you don’t remember a lot of things, but you’ll want to remember her.”
He took the photo from me and stared at it.
“That’s who you want,” I said bitterly. “Not me. I’m just here manipulating you and flirting with you and making you think you want me. Okay? And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but I wanted to tell you. It’s not fair, but I thought you should know. She’s why you’re here. Do you remember now?”
Leif simply stared at the photo, not saying anything.
I rushed on, determined to get it all out before I broke down and started weeping like a hormonal girl about to go into her first heat.
Which I was.
“Katja died sixteen years ago,” I said softly. “You were supposed to marry her as soon as the two of you graduated. But she died, and you, I don’t know, lost your mind. You ran away from the bear clans and came here, and you went crazy or something. You’ve been in bear form for the last sixteen years, and she’s the reason why. And if you can’t remember her, you deserve to remember that at least.” I tapped the photo. “Trust me. Katja’s the one that you want, and I’m sorry, but I’m not her.”
Leif very calmly set the photo down. He stood up, looked at me with terrible, haunted eyes. Then, he peeled off his makeshift clothing and left camp, transforming back into his bear form.
I picked up the picture and tucked it back into my things, unable to stop the silent sobs that shook me.
I’d just broken Leif all over again. Like a bitch, I’d made him remember Katja, just so I wouldn’t feel guilty about his need for me. Need that I’d forced on him.
I’d driven Leif away again, just when he was so close to returning to his old self. Damn it.
There was no ice sculpture that night.
Leif didn’t show up to visit the next morning. That was fine with me. I was in a rotten mood, given that the heat was oncoming and I’d just picked a fight with my best chance at relief from the misery. It was wretched, my body aching and sensitive to the slightest touches, and no respite in sight. I felt feverish, so instead of taking Leif’s advice and finding one of the abandoned buildings and filling it with firewood, I made soup and crawled back under my blankets, sleeping the day away. I woke up at night to see the skies clear and utterly crisp, the air chilly.
I snorted at the intense stars. Storm, my ass. He was just trying to get rid of me, wasn’t he? Wrapping my blankets tighter around my body, I went back to bed.
The next morning I woke up…and moaned. My head pounded and my body flared up at the slightest touch. Between my legs, my skin felt as if it was throbbing and pulsing. And I ached deep within.
I was officially in heat.
It was awful. I mewed in agony and panted as I dragged the blankets off of my body. My breasts ached and swelled, and I brushed my fingertips over my nipples, hissing at the sensitivity of them. Everything hurt.
I had to do something to take the edge off.
Feebly, I dug in my bag, looking for the bullet vibrator I’d brought with me. The moment I touched it, though, I hissed. It was metal, and metal in the Antarctic was a bad idea. If I stuck it to my clit, it’d be the equivalent of sticking my tongue against a frozen flag pole.
Damn it, why had I not thought this through?
Moaning in agony, I pulled out the small first aid kit I’d brought with me. I’d brought some sleeping pills in case of emergency - as in, if I couldn’t find Leif, maybe I could sleep through the worst of the heat. I popped two, swallowed them dry, and crawled back under the blankets. My hands automatically stole to my sex and I rubbed at my aching clitoris. I was incredibly slick and wet, but no amount of friction could get me off.
I needed to be mated. This was worse than I’d even imagined.
Luckily, the sleeping pills kicked in and I eventually fell asleep, my hands between my legs.
Even my sleep was restless. Hot, wet dreams filled my mind, and Leif starred in every single one of them. Leif’s head, moving between my thighs as he licked my clit. Leif’s fingers, pushing into the well of my sex. Leif dragging me onto my stomach, pulling my hips into the air so he could thrust into me from behind. Dream Leif was rough, but I didn’t care. I cried out with every dream-thrust, but nothing seemed to ease the ache deep inside my body.
“God damn it, Nikolina,” he rasped in my ear. “Why’d you have to be so stubborn?”
The world surged around me, and I struggled to wake up. Somehow, my brain was mixed up, because I could have sworn Leif was in my tent, lifting me into his arms. Leif wrapped me in my sleeping bag and dragged me out of my tent, and an icy blast of snowy air pummeled my face. “Hold on to me,” Leif said, and I clung to him.
Or tried to. The sleeping pills were too potent and I slid back into unconsciousness.
Chapter Four
My sex was a red-hot brand of need. I slid my fingers to it and touched it, determined to ease the ache there.
“Damn it, Nikolina,” I heard Leif rasp, and his hands grabbed at mine. “Don’t do that with me sitting here.”
I sighed a protest, my hips lifting off of the mattress as if I could follow the hand being pried from my skin.
…Mattress?
My brain fuzzy, I sat up, panting, and tried to make sense of what my brain was feeding me. There was a low, whistling roar in my ears, followed by the sound of what seemed like air beating on sheet metal. I smelled - and heard - a crackling fire. And Leif. I smelled Leif.
I could feel the soft weight of my sleeping bag covering my naked body and I was laying on a cot in what seemed to be a dark cabin. I blinked my eyes at the wooden rafters above my head, and glanced around, looking for light. There was a hole in one corner of the building, and I saw snow drifting in on the far side.