I was safe as a bear. Safe from hurt. Safe from sadness.
At some point in the blur of my thoughts, though, I caught a new, familiar smell in the woods. Recognition came rushing back, and I emerged from my den in time to see another bear crashing through the woods, heading for me.
Leif.
I suddenly wanted to talk to him. Being a bear - and being numb to everything - wasn’t working anymore. I wanted to tell him why I’d run away. Because if anyone understood, it’d be Leif. So I transformed back to human form, just as he approached.
He nosed me, his big, beloved fuzzy face full of concern despite his animal side, and I burst into tears. I dropped to my knees and began to sob, curling up into a ball. The bad thing about bear form was that I didn’t deal with any of my issues while shifted; they were still there, just waiting for me to shift back.
Nearby, Leif shifted back to his human form faster than I had, and a moment later, he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close and soothing me as I wept. We sat in the leafy underbrush at the edge of my rocky cave, two naked humans who didn’t care about mud or grass stains on skin. When Leif tugged at me, I crawled into his lap and let him hold me as I cried.
His big hands soothed my skin, stroked my hair. He didn’t pressure me, didn’t ask why I’d ran. He was just there for me, pressing small, affectionate kisses on my face to let me know that I was cared for.
And I loved him for it.
“Why is it so awful?” I asked tearfully.
“Why is what so awful?” His voice was so soft, so soothing. His hands continued to stroke and pet me, comforting me.
“Everyone!” I sobbed. “I thought when we came back, that it would fix all of our problems. I’d have a mate and you’d be home, but everyone’s being so nasty about it.” I thought about Gerda and Aunt Erika’s mean words. “It’s like they don’t want us to be happy.”
“They don’t,” he said with a chuckle. “They want us to be as miserable as they are.”
“But doesn’t it bother you?”
“It bothers me that they’re making you so miserable,” he said gently. “But as for the rest of them, I stopped caring what they thought sixteen years ago.”
For some reason, that made me feel worse. “So you were fine until I dragged you back here. That makes me feel even worse. I can’t please anyone.”
Leif’s hand stroked my cheek, and then tilted my face so I looked him in the eye. “What makes you think I’m unhappy now?”
The gentleness in his gaze made fresh tears splash down my cheeks. “You didn’t want to be with me. Not really. I came after you and practically shoved my overheated vagina in your face so you’d have no choice but to mate with me—“
He laughed at my words. “Is that how you see it?”
“— And I promised you that things would be better and now they’re not! They’re worse than before because they exiled you and now they’re threatening me and everyone thinks you’re crazy and—“
“Shhh,” he soothed. His fingers brushed over my mouth, halting my words. “‘Lina, stop. You’re just making yourself upset. I’m not unhappy. And I’m not surprised they’re being this way.”
“You—you’re not?” I hiccuped, then sniffed loudly. I tucked my head against his shoulder, because it felt so good to cuddle against him and let him hold me. God, there was nothing better. How had I gone for so long without Leif? How could I go on without him if they took him away from me? My hands tightened on him.
He stroked my hair, my skin, my shoulder, until my breaths were coming slower and more regular. Until I was calm. And eventually, he spoke. “Remember what I told you? That sometimes what we think we want isn’t what we truly want?”
I nodded, inhaling deeply at the scent of his skin. He smelled woodsy and wonderful, and just a little bit wild. I loved that. Just being close to him was helping me calm down a little. With Leif, everything would be okay, somehow.
“Did you know Katja was running away when she died?”
I stiffened. It was awful and selfish of me, but I didn’t want to hear about my dead rival for Leif’s affections. Not right now, when I was so vulnerable. But I made myself say, “Oh?” as if this were interesting.
“It’s true. She’d stolen her father’s truck and was going to drive away. She didn’t care where, just…away. She told me, because she thought I deserved to know. We were best friends, but she didn’t want to marry me. She wanted to marry for love, and we didn’t love each other.”
I stilled. This…wasn’t what I expected to hear.
“And Katja was tired of the elders controlling every aspect of our lives. They didn’t want her to go to college. They wanted her to stay home with me and make babies. She wanted to study forensics. And I wanted to keep sculpting, but the elders didn’t think that was an appropriate job for someone that was going to start a family. They were going to make me apprentice to Jokkum.”
I flinched, thinking of Aunt Erika’s words. Jokkum was a plumber.
“The clan was making Katja miserable, so she was going to run away. Except she got into a car accident and died, and I realized…that I was miserable, too. That was why I left. It wasn’t because I was so lovesick over Katja’s death. I loved her as a friend, but I was more upset that she had wanted so badly to escape…and that she was right. The clan loves to keep control over everyone. They don’t care if we’re miserable as long as they’re in control. Look at your cousin Mikkel. Have you ever seen a more wretched man?”
I thought of Mikkel, always hiding from Gerda. And I clung tighter to Leif. “So…you weren’t in love with Katja?”
“Not the way everyone thinks I was.” His fingers brushed over my cheek in a caress. “I just wanted freedom. Letting everyone think I’d gone mad at her death seemed to be the easiest way to get it.”
I dragged in a long, shuddering breath. “And…I made you come back here. To the place that made you so unhappy. I’m such an awful person.”
“You’re not,” he said softly. “You’re just…uncertain of yourself. That’s their fault, too. I’m stunned that the bear clan has taken a woman as beautiful, and strong, and loving, and proud as you, and made her think that she’s so unlovable.”
“I don’t — I’m not — I — “ I stammered, and then stopped.
He was right, I realized with astonishment. Ramsey’s defection from the clan had hurt me worse than I’d realized. Because I’d been the one left behind, I was the one that had to take all the blame. The pitying looks and the thoughts that there must have been something really wrong with me for him to not want to return. The talk from the elders and the arguing over who would ‘take one for the team’ had only compounded that.
My clan had made me feel lonely and unloved, despite being surrounded by people who were supposed to be family.
I tightened my grip on Leif.
“Do you know,” Leif said, voice musing, “out of this clan that purports to love and care for each other, you’re the only one that thought to come after me in sixteen years?”
“But…” I hesitated. He was making me sound so noble, so giving. “I did it for my own selfish needs, Leif. You know that.”
“The motive was desperate,” he agreed, hugging me close to his naked skin. “But you could have just mated with me and left, if all you wanted was a heat partner. But you saw how lost I was, and you did your best to bring me back. You gave up your own clothes so I could be warm. You gave me the last of your coffee and your chocolate, because I didn’t like the coffee bitter. Every time I mentioned a discomfort, ‘Lina, you gave me whatever I needed to make me happy. How is that selfish?” The backs of his fingers stroked my cheek. “You worried that you were using me, and you offered to let me out. It was me that chose to stay.”