I suppose I was there for a long time and in all that time I barely moved my body. I was afraid that if I moved the fist would clench again and that I would be the solid old tree the metal pole the coils of wire wound tightly the solid thing that could not feel. As I lay against the stone with my pack next to me I felt like I was melting into the ground and this was good. I thought I would probably stay here forever. I had come here for this I was certain of it now.
And then as my gaze wandered towards the wood I saw a movement. At one end of the wood was a line of thin birch trees twelve of them white and upright and still in the misty rain. I looked towards the trees and it stepped out and walked slowly along the front of them. Perhaps it was fifty yards from me. It walked slowly along the line of the trees and then it sat on its haunches. It looked around as if it were scanning the horizon but it did not look at me and I felt relieved about that. But I saw its eyes. It had yellow eyes. It was a huge black cat with yellow eyes. It was bigger than I was. Perhaps it sat there for a minute and then it raised itself and walked calmly back into the birches and was gone.
After that everything was movement. I ran home or tried to. I stumbled hobbled tripped all the way home with an enormous joy welling up inside me from where the fist had unclenched. I had seen it! I had seen it I had seen it! It was a cat! A bloody big cat! It must have been the size of a tiger or a puma or a cheetah or something. What was it doing here? What would a big cat be doing here? How did it come out of the trees when I had walked through the whole wood and seen nothing? What was this? All of this what was this it was nothing. All of these were just words to me but this had not been words this had been so much more than words.
I almost fell back into the yard I was breathing so heavily there was an intense pain and joy throughout my body. My left leg was swimming in its own world my ribs were heaving I was sweating. I sat heavily onto the upturned yellow tub I had washed in before I left. I had a terrible headache again my headache had returned but the joy was overwhelming even that. A big cat. A big black cat! Jesus.
I was so tired. I am so tired. I want to sleep but what if I sleep and when I wake the joy is gone? What if I sleep and when I wake the vision is gone? What if I forget it in the night? What if it turns into words again? I looked so long for it I worked so hard for it I had wanted to see it so that I would know and now I have seen it but I know nothing I know less than I have ever known in the world. All I have now is questions. Questions and this great joy that is singing that is howling and crashing in me. I cannot even go inside now all I have is what is living in me here in this thin rain.
I wonder if I could explain this to anybody. I can see it now in my mind I can see it in my head the picture of it sitting there scanning the world looking around with its yellow eyes. And in my head too another picture a picture of a woman a woman and a child. A mother and child. A young girl a baby girl. I can see their faces. They are watching me they are scanning the world for me. I know them. Here it is now. Here it is. There we are now. There we a
s no god
s no god and god is everywhere. everything is breathing so what is the complication here. all these questions there are no questions. here is an earthworm here is the yellow flower of the broom here are my feet on the ground sometimes i find it hard to see them. i move them but i do not know how. god is the sound of a cat in the cloud. the cat god. i have not seen a tree for days. i would like to lick the clear water droplets off the leaves of a rowan. i will walk i will walk on. the running is the pain the running from. i will walk on.
listen.
there is a noise outside right outside.
there.
a scream.
it is loud and sharp and long and it tears me from my sleep. it is close. it is very close. i sit up in my bed in shock and i look around me. the shock runs in me like water runs.
the sound hangs in my ears. it was a scream. it was a shriek a howl. it was close as close as if it were coming from outside the door. right outside.
something is outside the door.
i sit up and i go to the window. outside there is cloud everywhere deep rolling thick grey fog. i can’t see anything. i go to the door and i open it and the cloud rolls in. i slip my feet into my boots and i step outside onto the stones of the yard. it is mountain cloud it is sodden and weighty and it seems to move of its own will. it swirls and clusters and creeps about it writhes and coils around me. i can see the shape of a wall dimly perhaps a building nothing else. everything is grey and white and close.
the noise comes again. it is a scream a howl. it is very close.
it is right here.
i am glad that the people are gone. i don’t think i have ever seen any people at all. there is a memory of them. now they are gone and there is no biting no climbing over there is no running from them all just to be. there is only the cloud and the wet grasses here and the sound. the sound and what is that sound.
the first scream came from my right i am sure of it. i am standing still in the cloud in this yard outside alone and now the scream comes again and this time it is in front of me is it closer i think it might be closer.
i wonder what is above the cloud. perhaps an aeroplane.
this time the sound is to my left. it is painful. i can hear it breathe after it makes the noise. now i hear it again now it is behind me.
it is circling me.
it is circling me in the cloud.
now i hear its footfall on the stones. i am frightened i am terrified. i am calm.
i am very calm i am on an aeroplane above the cloud. i am sitting over the wing and i can look out at the engine and i have my family with me my wife and children then as i look out i see the engine explode in orange flame and the plane collapses to one side and flips over itself and begins to tumble and scream from the sky. of course everyone is screaming and crying and things are flying all over there are trolleys and bottles and people flying all over we duck our heads my family and i we cling to each other and i tell them how much i love them and i hope it will be quick for my children. after this there is a safety demonstration. the flight takes about four hours. i don’t like flying.
i am very calm. yes i am enjoying this. the sounds the thing circling me in the mist. but now the sounds have stopped. i am standing very still here i am not trying to hear but i can sense that the sound will not come again i can sense that it is leaving or has left me.
yes. it has gone.
i stand here for some more time. i was right it has gone its presence has gone i can feel it. there is just the cloud now and it is empty and quiet i am standing outside in this yard and there is this cloud. when you are here in the cloud you are inside you are inside the life of the world. when you go into the house and shut the door you shut yourself outside then there is only you and the dead things you have made into shapes. inside is outside and outside is inside. if i were not so stupid i would have seen this years ago. wherever i have been.
i walk a few yards to my right to where i guess the thing was and i squat down and i scan the stones. even the stones as i squat down are hard to see in this cloud. but there we are. there are prints. footprints. there are the footprints of a big cat a big black cat a big black cat with yellow eyes. i remember this.
there is a small black cat in a big house it is hiding under a stuffed sofa. in the house there is a woman we are two sides of something. i walk through a door and she smiles at me hello beautiful she says i missed you i missed you too i say she puts her arms around me i remember this warmth. she puts her legs around me fucking in a bed can you imagine. animals fuck under the sky under the stars in the rain fucking in a bed it is disgusting all of our disgrace is here. there is no disgrace in a cat there is no disgrace in anything that walks on four legs that does not have fingers which dig into everything and take it all apart.