i sit down on the chair again. the room is darker now that the window is covered with the mattress and the table some light comes in through the small window at the back and through the two small misted glass panels in the back door i don’t want to look through the windows in case i see anything. i don’t want to see anything i don’t want to hear anything i don’t want anything to touch me it is all ridiculous it will go away in time i don’t want to hear anything if i hear anything i will drown in freezing water. but now there is no sound it has gone quiet my breath steadies i pick up the mug that was on the table there is a mouthful of water in it which i drink. it feels good to drink water it feels real i can feel my feet on the ground. i bend down and untie my boots and slip them off i take my socks off and press my warm sweaty feet down into the cold stone floor. it feels good this it feels real here i am again back where i was.
if any of it happened perhaps it will not happen anymore. i am just in this building in the mist on a moor and the mist will lift soon this kind of cloud can disorientate you the water has helped me to calm down i think i am very tired sleep will help. i look over at the bed and i see something under the bed frame that i couldn’t see before i lifted the mattress off i know what it is but i don’t want to believe it. i stand up and walk across to the bed and bend down and pick it up. it is a small purple wrapper a chocolate wrapper with half a chocolate bar inside. chocolate you see it is all normal again water and chocolate and my feet on the ground i am going to enjoy this. i go back to the chair and sit down and unwrap the chocolate slowly a deep brown smell comes up from the packet i drop the packet onto the floor and i finger the small squares on my lap. i take my time eating the chocolate i let it melt in my mouth it has nuts in it i am returned to everything that grows and is real. chocolate and water and my feet on the ground this is better.
there is a scream outside i run out into the garden someone is attacking my daughter. there is a man in a dark coat down there under the trees she is fighting back she is a strong one i run down there and i confront him. he turns to me i have seen his face before i punch him hard in the side of the head and he falls down but he gets up again quickly i kick him in the chest before he can rise and then i pick up a garden spade and smash it into his face. there is blood everywhere my daughter screams but i don’t stop smacking him with the spade until he is down and he has stopped moving and then i don’t stop either. his face is pulp it is not a face it is a crimson mash of blood and bone and hair i scream at it joyfully this is what a father is for you can do this they expect you to do this. i could cut this thing into pieces i could do it all again tomorrow i wish he would come every day. i pick up my daughter and she throws her arms around my shoulders and i carry her back into the house.
the scream comes from the back of the house this time. i will not look through the windows i do not want to see anything there is nothing i can do now i have done everything i can. there is a knife on top of the stove i pick up the knife and i run across the room to where my sleeping bag is strewn on the floor i pick it up with the pillow and i take them into a corner where i cannot see the back windows and i climb into my sleeping bag and pull it over my head. i zip it up as high as it will go and i take the knife down into the darkness of the bag with me i just wish it would stop screaming i cannot stand that noise not anymore that is not my noise not anymore. it is dark in here i am glad that i brought my knife i stretch my legs out into the depths of the sleeping bag and they do not touch the end i stretch them down further still they do not touch it i begin to shuffle down the bag but i do not find the end i keep shuffling in the darkness on and on i hold a knife in my hand a knife is always important everyone should have a knife with them because you never know what you will meet everybody used to carry knives now they won’t let you the new dangers cannot be dispatched so easily i get down onto my hands and knees and i crawl down the tunnel into the darkness i keep crawling it is damp in here there is damp under my hands and my knees and there is damp in the air in the distance i hear the scream of a cat it is still out there it is still circling me it is circling the house circling the yard circling the moor round and round round and round you measure a circle beginning anywhere i keep crawling away from the noise i must get away from that noise from that thing it wants to eat me i keep crawling along the tunnel it is damp and now i feel things growing beneath my hands there is fur or moss or something beneath them on the floor of the tunnel the floor itself is soft it gives when i crawl it is warm here in the tunnel down i go along i go through the red darkness for hours and miles i go on my hands and knees the soft and warm and damp i cannot hear the cat now not anymore only this rushing now i see a light breaking over a green hill the tunnel opens out onto a yellow plain in front of me is a low stone wall i cross the wall i stand up and i begin walking towards the green hill i walk and walk and all around me swallows dive and speak and a gentle wind rolls over us in the middle of the plain is a great black tree it bends down towards me i bow my head to it as i pass i keep walking until i reach the hill and then i climb gently up the grass there is no heather no bracken no bilberries but anyway i am not hungry there is no hunger here i cannot think what hunger would be i walk up the hill i keep walking i realise i have no shoes or socks on the grass tickles me the swallows dive the wind rolls i reach the top of the hill there is a circle of low stones in the centre of its flat summit i walk across to the circle and enter it in the middle of the circle a woman sits she wears a red dress she is beautiful hello again i say i have been waiting a long time for you she says i am so thirsty would you fetch me water i have no water i say i don’t know how i came here find me water she says no i am busy i say can’t you see not this time she says not this time you are not busy fetch me water you may not cross the wall again until i have drunk i look back but there is no wall only the tree perhaps the tree has water i roll down the hill and walk back to the tree and begin to climb i climb right to the top i sit on the highest branch which bends beneath me but i do not fall water i say i keep saying the word water water water water water water i twine my arms around the branch and dangle my feet down i swing swing swing i stay like this for days if i look down perhaps i will see water the land grows dark there is darkness and now there is a sound the sound of a running stream in another three days the sun begins to rise i cannot feel my arms i pull them i yank them hard they come free from the branch with a jerk and i fall crashing through the tree i hit branches on the way down i am bruised and cut i hit the ground i go through the ground i fall into a high bright cavern and all around me is water crashing over crystal rocks all of the colours of the world are here so this is what water is i have fallen into water i let it take me along and i listen to it speak drink drink drink drink the river takes me out onto the hilltop i collapse into the stones and here is the woman in the red dress she drinks and drinks and then smiles at me it wasn’t so hard she says was it now you see what can be found i don’t see i say i don’t see anything and i want to go home but you have seen the water now she says i am scared i say of course you are she says of course you are you are such a young boy just look at what they did to you sometimes i feel like crying i say i am scared it comes in at me and jabs me i must be alert against it what might happen if it came in she says yes of course it is fine it is fine it is what you should feel it is alright to cry but i don’t want to cry i say i want to kill somebody no she says you want to cry you are so young and they never told you look drink the water dissolves it and so i drink until i am quenched and then i kiss her no she says not this time there is the wall now go i touch her arm it is very hot in here i walk between two stones i step over the low wall i pick up my knife i drop my knife this is not that sort of world i listen but there is no sound i pull my head out of my sleeping bag and breathe the air of the room and i listen and there is no sound i don’t think there has been a sound for weeks i sit up slowly i roll my sleeping bag down my body and step out of it there is a sound now but a low sound a gentle one i walk across to where the table and the mattress are pushed up against the window and i heave the table away and pull the mattress down onto the floor outside the window the pale cloud is thinner and now it is shifting and heaving in a low breeze that has arisen here i can see the wall of a building across the yard now it is gone again now it reappears the cloud is moving the wind is moving the cloud around i walk to the door and unbolt it and pull it open i step out onto the damp cobbles of the yard in my bare feet the breeze plays on my face the cloud dances around me my feet are warm on the cold stone there are gaps in the cloud now sudden and clean i see the gate and then the fence a broken roof a stone wall a scrap of tarpaulin an upturned tub a c