“Might run into him,” he speculates.
“Nah, Em said she’d come down to get them.”
“Just try to go and see him, doll. He was a fucking asshole, I’ll give you that, but guys have no idea how to handle emotions. Don’t you think that even if he can’t admit it, he still needs you?”
“I’m going to get ready, I’ll see you later tonight,” I smile, clearly not giving into his probing.
I arrive at the hospital and decide to wait outside in the fresh air. Hospital air is stagnant and stuffy. I would kill to be in there holding Jace’s hand, but since I can’t do that, I’d rather not go in at all. My hands bounce the plastic containers around as I wait for Em to come down.
“Audrey?” I hear my name called from close by.
I turn toward the sound of my name and freeze when I spot Jace and Jaxon’s mom coming around the outside corner of the hospital. She tosses down a cigarette and twists her foot on it slowly to extinguish the embers.
“Please, don’t tell anyone about that. I only do it when I’m stressed,” she says and gestures toward the white stick that’s now crushed into the concrete.
“Secret’s safe with me,” I mumble.
I turn toward the revolving doors, hoping I can catch sight of Em. Julie Riley is the last person I wanted to see today. She walks closer toward me and I begin to bounce impatiently on my toes. I haven’t seen her since the day Jaxon and I told her we had run off to get married. She was beyond furious with both of us. I never thought I would see her get so angry. I ran home that day. It was the only time I ever ran to my house and not away from it.
Em strolls out through the doors and smiles cheerfully at me. I don’t understand this weird calmness she has about her. Her boyfriend is lying in a coma and she acts like there is finally world peace.
“Thank you so much for these,” she calls out. I hand over the containers when she reaches me. “I want to thank you for taking over my shifts at work too.”
“Please, don’t even worry about it. You shouldn’t have to think about work right now. Although I am going out of town next week, so Ed will probably have a coronary.”
She laughs a bit too lightly, almost as if it’s forced. In that moment, I can see the wall she’s built. She’s trying to protect herself from the hurt and the possibility of actually losing Jaxon. My heart breaks for her. Here I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, while Em has been going through genuine pain.
“Hey, Em.” I reach out and grab her arm so I can pull her in close. I hope to speak to only her. “I left my textbook...” Lowering my voice to a whisper, I say, “In his room. Do you think there’s any way I can get that?”
She smiles and replies, “Quinn’s home. For some reason, she’s been so tired lately. She can give you the key. Don’t worry about running into...anyone.” She quickly glances over toward Julie. “They’re all here.” I sigh with relief and thank her.
“They’re about to start some physical therapy on him, so I don’t want to miss that. He likes it when I talk to him.” She smiles and walks back inside without any further conversation.
“He likes it when she talks to him?” I ask out loud, to no one in particular. I think Em is losing it.
“I’m really afraid of what this might be doing to her mental health,” Julie echoes my thoughts. “She smiles all the time. She never leaves, but then again, neither does Jace. And she just lies there all day with him, talking about nothing in particular.”
“She’s just trying to protect herself.” I attempt to think of a way I can end this uncomfortable conversation. I just can’t do this right now, especially not with Mrs. Riley.
“I know about you and Jace,” she says before I can escape. I immediately turn and face her, surprised. Shit. What does she think and how does she know? Before I can ask, she answers for me. “I’m his mom, I knew something was up.” I give her a skeptical look, not believing that she has some kind of Mom ESP. She laughs, “Okay, fine. His friend, Max, ratted him out on accident.” I nod my head while keeping silent. If Max knew what Jace said to me, then he probably didn’t take too kindly to that. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from him already.
“I trust Jace’s decisions.”
“Would you say that even if I told you he pursued me before he found out everything he thought was a lie?” I ask. She falters a beat and nods her head. I consider leaving right this very second. I don’t need to explain myself to one more person, especially this person. Jace and I are done. She won’t be in my life. Why do I need to hash out this drama again? Because…whether I want to admit it or not, some small part of me still longs to have my name cleared.
Julie sits down on the curb and pats the spot next to her. Sitting right here on the concrete in front of the busy hospital, I pour my heart out to her. I don’t cry this time. This story can flow out of my mouth now as if it knows it by heart, without any help from me. I tell her everything up until right after Jaxon and I broke up.
“How did I not know that you and Jace met first?” she gasps. “I’m usually able to pick up on everything. I thought he had a crush on you...but this...this makes so much more sense.”
Her words startle me and I ask, “Why would you say he had a crush on me?”
“He was always watching you guys. I just thought he missed his brother at first. After a while, I caught him specifically watching you. Not Jax, just you. You know those black-and-white photographs he has in his room?” I nod my head, thinking of them lined up above his bed. “You’re in one of them.”
My mouth drops open and I try to remember what they look like. I remember one of them is a picture of his dock back home that extends out over their favorite pond. Jaxon and I spent many hot afternoons jumping into that cold water. There are people in the distance in some of them, mostly silhouettes.
I think about the middle picture and how it has a person sitting on the dock with their feet hanging over the edge, dipping them into the water. The picture was taken so far off in the distance I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was me. It’s only the silhouette of a person. I sat on that dock numerous times so it could have been any number of days.
I recall one time when Jax and Jace had been swimming and then went riding the truck through the mud. I had been waiting for Jax to finish cleaning the truck off, so I decided to splash my feet in the pond. I thought Jace had gone home, but I guess he stuck around to snap some pictures out on the land. The rest of his pictures hanging on the wall are from around the property as well. My favorite is one of his mom taken from pretty far away while she was hanging sheets out to dry.
“Honey, what happened with the baby?” She interrupts my happy memories with a dreadful one. My stomach drops and I squeeze my fists together. “Please. Just talk about it. It’ll help.”
The first time I looked at this little white stick with its two pink lines, I cried my eyes out. I cried out of sadness, frustration, humiliation, and shock. I was scared. I cried because I didn’t think I had anything to offer this child. Now, I gaze at the stick with hope. I can do this. I can love this baby and that’s enough.
I know I need to move out of this house. Being around my dad just isn’t okay anymore. I’ve never actually thought about it in that light before. It’s amazing what even the prospect of being a parent can do for you. Before, my dad’s aggression was just a phase that I needed to wait out. I would bear it. I would graduate and then I would leave Texas.