When my mom left a few hours later, I was still trying to decide how our sleeping arrangements were going to work out. There were two bedrooms in the tiny apartment. The master, which had a nice big bed in it, and then there was Kate’s nursery. It still held her crib and a full-size bed, which Raegan used to sleep on with Braden when she spent the night. So far, neither of us had made any move toward that room.
That’s where they were all taken.
“You guys go pile in the big bed. I can make do out here on the couch,” I called out to Rae, who was getting a glass of water from the kitchen.
“That’s silly, I’ll just…” she started to say, but then thought better of it. I had a feeling she was going to say she could sleep on the full-size bed in the nursery, but we both knew neither of us could stomach that room.
“You’ll just sleep in the master,” I finished for her.
“Come on, guys. Let’s go.” She grabbed for their hands and I watched as they vacated the little living room.
It was fucking hard being back here. I used to rock Kate in the recliner in the corner on the rare night I was home on time to put her down. We used to lay a big quilt on the ground in front of the couch for her to lie on her stomach and have what Ash called “tummy time.” This whole place was filled with memories… memories I wasn’t prepared to dredge up.
I grabbed a blanket out of the hall closet and caught the whiff of fresh detergent. Mom must have re-washed some of the linens because I had definitely been expecting a stale closet odor. I really did need to thank her for being so amazing—I’m sure it hadn’t been easy for her to be here either.
I sat down on the creaky old couch and pulled my shirt up over my head. The gym shorts I had put on this morning would have to do for the night. The couch groaned as I tried to find its sweet spot—the spot that would allow me at least some comfort. Something jabbed into my back and I reached underneath myself to remove the annoyance. Between the cushions, I pulled out a blue stick of lip balm.
Ash used to have these all over the house and in her purse. She never went anywhere without them. I stared at the small reminder of Kate’s mom. My ex-wife. I really wished she could see Kate now. Why did she have to go and get into a car after she had been drinking? I still wanted to berate her for her callousness. Did she just give up all hope of ever finding Kate? And did she really care so little for her own life? I wished she were here so I could yell and give her a piece of my mind!
A tear slipped down my cheek and I chuckled at the tornado of emotions I was feeling. I missed Ash. Maybe I hadn’t been in love with her, but I still wished that she could see the beautiful girl Kate had become. I still cared deeply for her. She was the mother of my child. I would have done anything for her.
I guess that wasn’t entirely true though, because I didn’t fight for her—I fought for Kate instead. I hoped if she was looking down now that she understood. I would always love her for giving me the very best thing a man could receive… my daughter.
I watched the small hand of the clock slowly tick its way past all the numbers and I still couldn’t get my mind to calm down. I just couldn’t seem to shut down the memories I had of this place. Some good. Some great. Some absolutely terrifying.
I startled when Kate tiptoed into the living room, emerging out of the dark hallway. She was holding her teddy bear, and her golden hair was already mussed up from lying down.
“Kit Kat, what’s wrong?” I asked softly.
“Daddy, why do you have to sleep out here?”
“Well, I don’t think I would fit in that bed with all of you. Daddy is much too big.”
“I’ll just stay out here, okay?” Kate’s tired eyes searched the room for a place to rest. When I watched her make her way toward the recliner, I popped up.
“How about I sit with you in the bedroom until you fall asleep?”
“Yeah,” she replied sleepily, still clutching her bear tightly.
I lifted her up and walked down the hall, trying to remember where all the creaks and groans were in the wood floors. I missed a few and paused each time, not wanting to wake the others.
The bedroom was dark, but the street lamp outside cast a yellow glow through the thin curtains. I could just make out Raegan’s shape underneath the covers, lying on one side of the bed. Braden was curled up in the middle, his mouth wide open in sleep.
I tried to gently slide Kate onto the bed, but her grip on my arms was unrelenting. She really did not want me to leave her and go sleep in the other room. There was no way we would all four be able to sleep comfortably in this bed, but I would stay until she fell asleep.
“Okay, Kit Kat, I’ll stay for a bit,” I whispered.
I sat with my body up against the headboard and Kate relaxed her head on my chest. I didn’t care if I got zero sleep that night. Being able to comfort my daughter was better than any rest I could have gotten alone on that couch. Her fingers made their way up my neck until she had a soft grasp on the edge of my ear. She had done this at the station when she passed out on me the other day. I had no idea what she was doing at the time, but now I guess it was her way of comforting herself.
It didn’t take long for me to get caught up in her soft tugs on my ear. If it wasn’t calming her mind down, it sure was quieting mine.
~~~~~~~
Something pushed off my chest and I grunted from the pressure. When my eyes slowly peeked open, light from the windows blinded me and I immediately slammed them shut. Kate’s body slid off of mine and I heard the thump when her feet hit the ground. She called out Braden’s name and I listened as she skipped out of the room.
Damn, it was morning already.
“She got you with the ear tug, huh?” Raegan’s voice startled me. I opened my eyes again to see her still tucked under the covers on the opposite side of the bed. The white quilt was pulled high up to her chin, and her eyes looked as if she had just opened them not even moments ago.
“I think she drugged me. I only came in here to lay with her until she fell asleep,” I croaked out while stretching my good arm in front of me.
“Yeah, she uses that tug as a weapon now. She used to put herself to sleep doing it, and now she’s realized she can put others to sleep.” Raegan chuckled lightly and I smiled warmly at her.
I slipped down from my upright position against the headboard and my back and shoulders protested from the movement. I had been sitting up all night and now my muscles were cramped. I let out a loud groan as I lay flat on my back. I couldn’t believe I had slept so hard, all while leaning against the headboard.
“Want me to rub it out?” Raegan asked as she propped herself up. Shocked at her words, my mouth fell open wide. Did she really just say that?
“Okay, get your mind out of the gutter!” She laughed out loud. A light dusting of pink hit her tanned cheeks. She was blushing! How damn adorable was that?
“My mind is always in the gutter, babe. Especially when I wake up next to a beautiful girl,” I said with a wink.
“You know what I meant…”
“I do. And while I would love that, it’s probably best you didn’t rub anything on me at the moment.” I tried to keep my tone light, but just the thought of her hands was not boding well for the growing problem in my lap.
“Roll,” she snapped. With a twirl of her finger, she gestured for me to do just that. Great. Just what every guy wants to do—crush his hard-on beneath his body.
I rolled slowly, trying to keep my arm tucked so I wouldn’t pull my shoulder. I also tried to position myself in the most comfortable way I could possibly get in this situation. I closed my eyes and faced away from her. I wouldn’t be able to look at her and feel her hands on my body.