“What happens if my tests do come back that its cancer?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question.
“If, and that’s a big if…if it is cancer, depending on the type and stage will determine our course of action. But, let’s not get ahead of ourselves and start worrying before its needed. Just get your tests done and we will go from there. The nurse out front has the paperwork you need to take upstairs. When you’re finished you are free to leave. When we have the results, one of my nurses will call for you to come back in.”
Six hours later my phone was ringing.
“Hello?”
“Miss Nayler? This is Angie from Dr. Emmons office.”
“Yes?”
“Your results are in, Dr. Emmons would like to see you again today to go over the results. Can you be here at three?” Angie asked.
Glancing at my watch I saw it was two thirty. “Yes, three is fine.”
“Ok, see you then.”
I hung up my phone I looked to Gage. “They want us back at three.”
“They want us back so they can say everything looks great.” Gage gave me a sweet smile.
I didn’t have that same feeling. Something didn’t feel right. I knew it but I didn’t want to say anything to Gage. I had cancer. I knew it, I could feel it. I had to accept it.
Forcing a smile I said, “You’re probably right.
Sitting in Dr. Emmons office I looked at the books behind his desk. Hearing the door open I pulled my eyes to see him walk in. His face looked sympathetic, not the happy doctor from earlier.
Cancer. I had cancer.
“Cobie, Gage, I got the results back and I’m so sorry to tell you this but you do have cancer. You have a very rare form of bone cancer known as Osteosarcoma of the spine.”
My world stopped.
Swallowing hard I looked at Dr. Emmons and asked, “What are my options?”
Dr. Emmons dropped his head and rubbed his forehead before looking between Gage and I. “Your only chance at beating this is terminating the pregnancy. Your tumor is inoperable because of its location. Your only hope is aggressive radiation and chemotherapy. Neither of which you can do while pregnant.”
Feeling my tears streaming down my face, I shook my head. “I’m not losing my baby, our baby. What are my chances if I wait to do treatment until my baby is born?”
Gage laced his fingers with mine and said, “Cobie, this is your life. You have to fight.”
“Not if it takes our baby away. Londyn will be here in four months, what are my chances Dr. Emmons if I wait?”
Dr. Emmons looked between Gage and I then answered, “Honestly, not good. Without treatment you have 6 months to a year to live. This is a very aggressive form of cancer.”
Looking at Gage I said, “Dr. Emmons will you give us a moment, please?”
“Of course. This is a lot to take in. When you’re ready I will be just down the hall.” Scooting his chair back he stood and walked out, closing the door behind him.
Surprisingly I was calm. I had been preparing myself for this result. I had no other choice than acceptance. I had to accept this. Face reality and realize I wouldn’t get to watch my daughter grow up. See her first step, hear her say mama, watch her walk into school on her first day, help her get ready for prom, or talk about her first kiss. I was going to miss everything. But, I would miss it all so she could experience it. Terminating was not at option. Londyn would be born and Gage would raise her. That was the only reality I was willing to accept.
“Cobie? What are you thinking?” Gage’s eyes were misty.
“I’m not giving Londyn up. We are going to have a daughter and you’re going to raise her. I’m not going to do treatments. I want to enjoy my daughter and spend my time with you and her.”
Gage sucked in a breath. “I can’t lose you Cobie. I won’t lose you.”
“Gage, you’re not losing me. I will always be with you. I have cancer and I’m going to die within a year.”
I watched as a tear slid down his face, landing on his dark blue cotton shirt.
I would be gone before my daughter even knew me. I would only get a few months with her if I was lucky. I had cancer and I was dying. I could lay around and mope about it or I could live my life like anyone else and enjoy being pregnant and having my baby. That was all I had left.
“The fuck I ain’t, Cobie. You die. You’re gone. I lose you. You can’t do this. You can’t kill yourself.”
Grabbing both of Gage’s hands I held his gaze, “Gage, our daughter is growing inside of me, I am not going to do anything to jeopardize that. I have cancer. It fucking sucks but its life. I am not going to let this stop me from having our baby- from becoming a family. Even if it is just for a few months.”
Watching all the emotions roll over Gage’s face I wanted to curse God. Why would he do this? Was this my punishment for getting pregnant by my brothers best friend? I had so many questions running through my head. Letting my tears slide down my face I softly sighed. This was my choice and I wasn’t changing my mind. I would not risk my child just so I could live. I would never be able to live with myself if I terminated my pregnancy just so I could have a life. That isn’t what a mom would do. This wasn’t a hard decision. I didn’t have to think about it at all. Londyn was my choice. Being a mom and having a family was my choice.
Gage grabbed my face as his tears let loose. “I support whatever you choose. I want my family but how will I have my family if you’re gone? I thought the plan was to raise her together? We can’t do that if you’re not here.”
Placing my hand over Gage’s heart, I felt it racing. “Gage, I will always be with you, in here. You won’t be alone. Now, I’m going to go get Dr. Emmons and tell him what we decided. No treatment.”
Gage dropped his hands from my face and wiped at his eyes. Without saying anything he nodded.
Walking down the hall I found Dr. Emmons sitting at a smaller desk, looking at his iPad.
“Dr. Emmons, Gage and I made our decision.”
Looking up from his iPad, he gave a half smile. “Okay. Let’s go back to my office and talk.”
Following Dr. Emmons back down the hall to his office, I found Gage still in his chair, staring at his hands.
Dr. Emmons took his seat behind his desk, joining his hands under his chin. “Cobie has told me you have made your decision.”
Gage looked to me, pain written all over his face. “Yes.”
I leaned into Gage and wrapped my arm around his. “No treatment.”
Dr. Emmons sighed and said, “Cobie, you understand without any treatment you have very little chance of survival?”
Sniffing, I waited as the image of my doctor blurred as tears filled my eyes. “Yes, I understand. But, with all due respect I will not lose my child just so I can have a life. I will take these next few months that I have and cherish them. I want my family, if only for a few days or weeks or months. That is better than nothing. Nothing you say will change my mind doctor.”
Dr. Emmons smiled. “In no way am I trying to change your mind. What you are doing is incredibly brave and shows just how much love you have for your child.”
Pulling into our driveway Gage put his car in park and stared into space.
“Fuck! I can’t believe this is happening. We don’t deserve this. We deserve to be a family. To be happy. To raise our daughter together. Fuck cancer!” Gage slammed his hands on the steering wheel.
I had never seen this side of Gage. He was scary.
“Gage, don’t do this. Getting angry won’t do anything. We can’t change this.”