“Oh God, Co.” Gage hung his head. “I’m so sorry. I know there isn’t anything we can do. I just feel like I should be able to fix this. And, I can’t.”
I blinked my tears away. “I don’t expect you to fix this. I just want you by my side.”
Gage lifted his head and kissed me softly. “I’m standing right here, baby. I’m not going anywhere.”
9
Gage
It had been almost two weeks since Cobie was diagnosed with cancer. Two of the hardest weeks of my life. This was tearing me apart. After she and I found out we were having a girl I felt like we had turned a corner only to smack face first into a twenty foot tall brick wall. It was too late to tell myself I would be fine without her. Fact was, I loved her. Being with her took away the hurt and emptiness. Now I was losing her, too.
True, one could say we wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for Londyn, and chances are they would be right. But, I had been attracted to Cobie since the first time I saw her walk into Jenna’s parent’s house the week of Jenna and Larkin’s wedding. I watched her all weekend. Then that night she came into my bar, she looked so innocent. I was drawn straight to her. I thought if I could just screw her one time she would be out of my system. Shit, was I wrong. That only made it worse, and to add insult to injury, the following days she ignored me and acted as if she didn’t even know me.
Sighing, I collected myself and started down the stairs. “I called my parents, they are flying in tomorrow afternoon. Have you heard anything from Larkin and Jenna?” I asked as I walked into the living room, where Cobie sat curled up on the couch. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying.
Blinking tears out of her eyes she tossed her cell phone onto the coffee table and said, “Yep. Just got off the phone with Larkin. They are taking the first flight in the morning so they should be here sometime tomorrow afternoon, too. Now all I have to do is have my mom and Gramps come over.”
“Cobie, are we sure about this? I mean I want to be a dad and be a family but at the cost of losing you?”
I sat down beside her and pulled her feet into my lap. We were both silent for a long time, staring at nothing in particular.
“This was the easiest choice I have ever had to make. You know if you were me, you would pick the same thing. I’m going to have our baby and we are going to be a family for however long we can. I will not let this cancer beat me. I will die a happy mom who was blessed enough to bring life into this world.”
Why did God feel the need to take the only two women I loved away from me? No, Cobie and I were not in love like a married couple but we loved each other. She had become my best friend. She filled the void Jenna left. And now- now I was losing her too. My faith in God was failing. If there was a God, where was he? Why was he taking this beautiful, funny, smart, sassy, stubborn, and selfless woman? She still had so much she needed to do and see. So much more to offer. Her daughter needed her. Fuck, I needed her.
Speaking around the lump forming in my throat I said, “I need you, Co. How am I going to raise our daughter? She’s going to need her mom.”
Cobie raked her teeth over her top lip, pulling it slightly into her mouth. “I need you to promise me something. Promise me that Londyn will know who I am. That she will know how much I loved her and wanted to be her mommy. Promise that when you find someone, she loves Londyn like I would.”
Pulling her into my lap I rubbed my hand on Cobie’s belly. “She will know what an amazing woman you are. I will tell her every day. There will be no question as to how much you loved her. I swear, I will make it my life’s goal to teach her everything about you and the love you had to give. I will never find someone to replace you, Co. I can’t picture anyone but you to raise our daughter with. If it’s not you, I don’t want anyone else.”
She had a sad smile on her face, her eyes full of pain and unshed tears. “Gage, you will find someone who will make you forget all the hurt. I don’t want you to stop living your life when I’m gone. I want you to live. You have to.” Cobie’s voice started shaking. “I need you to be happy for yourself and for Londyn. I want her to see how wonderful her daddy is.”
“How did we get here? Just a few days ago we were the happiest people in the world and now we are discussing your death. Fuck!” I ran my hands through my hair, squeezing my eyes shut. “If there is a God now would be the time to work some miracles.”
Cobie rested her head on my shoulder. “Gage, you can’t think like that. Now is when you have to have your faith. You need to trust God. I’m still battling with my anger but I have faith. I need you to, too. I need you to believe.”
“How can I believe in God when he is ripping you away from me? I want to have faith and believe that everything will be ok but then I think about my life without you and I lose all hope.” She snuggled into me and I inhaled her sweet lavender scent.
“I’m here now, let’s enjoy the time we have and not think about the future. Live one day at a time.” Cobie fisted my shirt in her hand and let out a soft sigh. “We can get through this, I promise.”
Running my hand through her long, dark hair I fought back tears. Leaning down I kissed her just above her ear and whispered, “Go to sleep, I can see how tired you are.”
She barely got her nod out before her soft snores filled my ears. Carrying her down the hall I gently laid her down on my bed, pulling the covers over her. I watched as her chest rose and fell with her breathing. She brought her hand up and curled it around the sheet, pulling it closer to her face. She looked so innocent, so beautiful. So perfect.
Shedding my jeans and shirt, I climbed into bed and pulled her to me. Bringing her hand to my mouth I gently kissed it. Hugging her tight to me I whispered, “I love you”.
She made a soft humming noise as a small smile formed on her lips. “I hoped you did. Night, Gage.”
My eyes popped open and I was hoping I just had a really bad nightmare. Rolling my head on my pillow I saw Cobie lying next to me. Not a nightmare. Grabbing my alarm clock I read the time, ten forty three in the morning. I maneuvered myself from under Cobie and grabbed a pair of gym shorts. Pulling them on, I made my way downstairs to my workout room. I had a lot of anger to work through. A lot of pain to drowned out.
Stepping on the treadmill I hit the power button and started running. Running helped clear my head.
It seemed like I just started running when the door opened. Cobie stepped through and looked at me. She looked tired. She didn’t look like the happy pregnant mommy to be.
“Jenna just text me, they just landed so they should be here in an hour or so. I don’t want to worry them so can we please act like everything is ok, at least until tonight when everyone is here. Then we can tell them why they all needed to fly out here.”
Stopping the treadmill I grabbed a towel off the rack and wiped my face. “I will do my best, Cobie. I don’t know what you expect me to do. I can’t act like everything is perfect, I have never been good at hiding shit.”
“I’m not asking you to act like life couldn’t be better but we need to hide our pain for just a few hours. That’s all I’m asking. I don’t think it’s too much.”
“Fuck, Cobie! How much more are you going to ask of me? First, you ask that I raise our daughter alone. Second, it’s making sure our daughter knows about you. Third, you ask me to move on and find someone to be a family with. And, now you’re asking if I can act as if none of this is happening. I can only do so much.”
I saw the hurt in her eyes. I hated myself for causing her anymore pain.
“You think you have it bad? You weren’t the one who was just told you were going to die. At least you will be here when our daughter grows up. I am going to miss everything Gage. I was asked to choose between our daughter and my life. I haven’t asked you anything near as difficult as what has been asked of me. My answer was simple. All I’m asking is you throw on a fake smile.”