Cobie wore her mothers wedding dress like she has always dreamed. I had never seen her look more beautiful. She didn’t want a bouquet, she instead carried our daughter in her arms down the aisle. Larkin gave her away, smiling the entire time.
We laughed. We cried. We danced.
She smashed cake is face and you better believe I smashed cake in hers. Larkin wanted his sisters wedding to be special. He wanted to dance with Cobie in place of their dad. He picked the song, There You’ll Be by Faith Hill, and surprised a tearful Cobie. Our song held so much meaning. It was the song that was playing the day we found out Londyn was a girl, the day we found out Cobie had cancer and the song that was playing when we brought Londyn home from the hospital, as a family. Cowboys and Angels. She was my Angel.
I was happy. For one day, I didn’t worry about how much time we had left together. I didn’t let cancer invade my thoughts. With just family and close friends around us everything felt intimate. It felt special. It felt right.
Cobie
Holding Londyn in my arms I couldn’t help the thoughts that were clouding my head. I was getting tired. A week after I became Mrs. Tucker things changed. I woke up one morning and couldn’t move my legs. Gage took me to the hospital and after numerous scans and tests we were told the cancer had taken my ability to walk. I was in a wheel chair. I knew my time was with my family was ending. I’m not stupid. I could feel it.
It was late and Gage was asleep on the couch. Londyn had just finished taking her bottle and was fading into sleep. I rocked her in my arms a few minutes before laying her in her bassinet.
I wanted Londyn to know how much I loved her and that I would always be with her. Gage had promised me that he would always tell her but I wanted her to have something from me that she could confirm for herself. Rolling down the hall to Gage’s office I shut the door and flipped the light on.
Grabbing a notebook from the bookshelf I started writing. I wrote letter after letter, stacking them up in a pile beside me. I wasn’t sure what I was going to write but once the pen hit the paper it just flowed. I wrote a letter for everything I could think of. The first letter I wrote was just me telling her how my I loved her. There was one for every birthday until she was eighteen, one for each of her first days of school, one for her first crush, one for her first boyfriend, one for her first kiss, one for her senior prom, one for graduation, one for her first day of college, one for her wedding, and one for the birth of her first child.
As I was putting the letters into envelopes I heard Londyn starting to cry. Setting everything down, I wheeled myself back to the living room. Gage was standing in front of the picture window patting her little back and hushing her.
“Shh babygirl. Let mommy sleep. Daddy’s here.”
This is what I would miss. This is what hurts the most. I wouldn’t be here to comfort my daughter or wipe away her tears. I felt guilty leaving all this on Gage. He didn’t sign up for this. He had experienced so much hurt already and here I was, causing more.
Gage turned around just as I swiped my tears away. He kissed Londyn’s head then said, “Look baby, mommy is here. Maybe you two could lay down together. Daddy has a few things he needs to get done.”
“Gage it is four in morning. What could you possibly need to do right now?”
“There is a few emails I have been pushing back but I really need to answer them. Besides, someone let me nap and now I am wide awake.”
Bowing my head I said, “Sorry. You just looked so comfortable. I couldn’t wake you.”
“Well now I’m sending you and our daughter to bed so I can get a little work done and maybe workout for an hour or so. Come on, let’s get you two tucked in.”
Gage left his spot by the window and handed me Londyn. She was already back asleep. Once Gage got Londyn and me in our bed he turned the T.V. on and kissed me.
“I love you Cobie, so much.”
“I love you, too.”
“Sleep good baby. I will come check on things in a little bit.”
Gage kissed me one last time then walked out the door, closing it halfway. I snuggled Londyn into my side. I covered her head in kisses before shutting my eyes. I whispered, “I love you,” to Londyn before finding sleep.
Gage
What was this? I picked up the stack of sealed envelopes and thumbed through them. Letters. They were letters to Londyn from Cobie. There was one for everything. Sitting down I contemplated opening and reading them. But, that felt like some sort of evasion on privacy. Setting the stack back on my desk I saw there was one letter that hadn’t found its way into an envelope. I couldn’t help myself. I picked it up and read it.
Londyn Hope,
Hi. It’s your mommy. Right now you are fast asleep in your bassinet. I don’t know how many more nights I will get to watch you sleep. You look so beautiful and peaceful. You have no worries or fears. Everything for you is perfect. You don’t know about this scary world.
I want you to know how much I love you. Mommy never dreamed in a million years that you would be as perfect as you are. You have changed so much in my life and opened my eyes to a whole new world. I thought I had my life all planned out until I found out I was going to be a mommy. What I thought were my dreams didn’t even come close to becoming a mother. Marrying your daddy and becoming a family, that is my one dream come true. You are my dream come true.
There won’t be a day that goes by that I won’t be by your side. When things get hard, I will always be there to listen. The rustle in the leaves, the sun kissing your cheeks, the stars shining at night…that will be me watching over you. Even if I can’t be here I will always protect you. You are my everything, Londyn. When given the choice, I would choose you over and over, every time. Choosing you was the easiest choice I ever made. I knew I wanted to be your mommy more than anything.
I know how it feels to grow up with just one parent. It hurts. But, you got lucky just like mommy. Your daddy is the best. Just watching him with you and the way he looks at you. You are the center of his universe. I hope one day he finds someone who fills the void and makes him happy. Someone who loves you as much as I do. You and your daddy deserve happiness and love. And, I know that somewhere out there the perfect woman is waiting.
You, my beautiful babygirl are the closest I will ever come to magic. My greatest wish for you is that you always know how much I love you. And, for the rest of your life you know how great my love for you was. I never knew what love was until I was holding you in my arms. Until I was counting your little fingers and tiny toes. All it took was your small, sweet hand grasping onto mine for you to totally consume me.
All my dreams came true the first time I heard your heartbeat. I didn’t look at everything I was walking away from, instead I looked at everything I was gaining. The minute they placed you in my arms, you slipped right into my heart.
I want you to grow up loving Disney. Disney taught me everything I want you to know.
1. Hakuna Matata, it means no worries.
2. Nothing’s impossible.
3. Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.
4. Dreams can come true.
5. Remember, always let your conscience be your guide.
I love you babygirl. Never give up faith and dream bigger than the sky.
All my love xoxo
Mommy