I was standing there staring at the piece of paper in my hands, no clue what to do. Cobie was sick, I’ve known that for months. But, reading the letters she wrote to Londyn ripped my heart apart. Cobie knew she didn’t have much longer.
Three days later Cobie wasn’t acting like herself. She would stare off into space and when she would talk she wouldn’t make sense. I had had enough. I decided to call her mom and take her to the hospital.
Carrie answered in the second ring. “Hey, sweetie.”
“Carrie, something is wrong. Cobie isn’t acting like herself. I’m taking her to the hospital. Can you watch Londyn?”
Carrie choked back her tears and said, “I’m going with you. I will have Cobie’s aunt watch Londyn. I’ll call Kelli on my drive over. She should get to your house a few minutes after me.”
“Ok. I’m going to throw some things in a bag for Cobie and me so we are ready when you get here.”
“Gage, calm down. I’m sure it’s just all the pain medication they have her on. Dr. Emmons said this could happen.”
Shutting my eyes I rubbed my thumbs hard against them. “I know, Carrie. I’m just scared. I thought I was prepared for all of this to start happening but now that it is, I’m not ready.”
Carrie was silent, I heard her car radio through the speaker. “Honey, at least we had a warning with Co. I had nothing with her father. We have had months to spend time with her and make wonderful memories. Treasure that. I’m almost to your house, let me call Kelli.” She didn’t wait for my response before she hung up.
She was right. We were lucky enough to be given time with her. So many were robbed of that. The last year had been the best of my life. I opened my own club, was blessed with a beautiful, healthy babygirl, and married my best friend.
As soon as Carrie and Kelli got to our house we left. Cobie was worse than she had been earlier.
She was shutting down. I could see her eyes go in and out of focus. She was lost. I was losing her right in front of my own eyes. The thirty minute drive from our house to the hospital seemed to take days. On the way Carrie called Larkin and Jenna to let them know what was going on and promised to keep them updated.
Once we made it to the hospital Cobie was instantly admitted and hooked up to oxygen, IV’s, and monitors. The nurse took tube after tube of blood with no promise of when they would have the results.
Carrie and I sat holding Cobie’s hands. She didn’t talk. She didn’t respond. She was gone. Physically she was still here, but mentally she was gone.
“I think you should call Larkin.” I spoke to Carrie but looked at Cobie.
“Let’s just wait until we talk to the doctor. I think it’s all her medication counter reacting with each other.” Carrie said, trying to sound sincere.
“Carrie, I really think you should call Larkin. He needs to be here.”
Carrie called Larkin and I called my parents. Once again, everyone was flying in.
The doctor came in a few minutes later to talk to us. Holding his hand out to me first I shook his. “Mr. Tucker, I’m Dr. Chang. After reviewing your wives tests it appears she has sepsis and her cancer has more or less taken over her entire body. Dr. Emmons sent me an email explaining Cobie didn’t want any more scans after her initial diagnoses and this is exactly what we feared would happen.”
My eyes were burning. My throat was constricting. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Everything was moving but nothing was making noise. “Wh-what does that mean?”
“Mr. Tucker, I am so sorry but if you have any family out of town, I think now would be a good time to have them come in. It is irreversible. There is nothing we can do except keep her comfortable.”
Carrie wrapped her arm around me. “We already called and they will be here tonight.”
Dr. Chang looked Cobie over then turned to his nurse and asked, “Susie, is Mrs. Tucker a DNR?”
DNR? What? No! No! No!
Before Susie could answer I blurted out, “Hell no. She is a full code.”
Dr. Chang ignored my outburst and calmly said, “Thank you, Mr. Tucker.”
Carrie laid her head on my shoulder, her tears wetting my shirt. “Dr. Chang could you please explain why this was so sudden? She went from zero to sixty overnight.”
Dr. Chang crossed his arms before saying, “Sometimes this is just how it happens. But, if I had to guess it has slowly been progressing but it wasn’t so noticeable until this point.”
No sooner than the words left Dr. Chang’s mouth, Cobie’s monitors started going off. The room filled with multiple doctors and nurses.
Dr. Chang barked out orders and had a nurse usher Carrie and I out of the room. I knew I needed to get out of the way so the doctors could work but I want to be with my wife. She needed me now. I needed her.
It felt like we were in the hall for days before Dr. Chang slipped out the door.
“Mr. Tucker.”
I cut the doctor off and rushed up to him. “Please tell me she is still alive.”
Dr. Chang placed his hand on my shoulder. “Your wife is still alive but she is being supported my machines. We had to put her in a medically induced coma and on a ventilator. It’s not good. I’m so sorry, Mr. Tucker.”
I fell to the ground. In the middle of the fucking hospital, I lost it. I begged. I pleaded.
God, if you’re listening please don’t take her. Not yet. I’m not ready. I can’t do this. She needs to be by my side and watch our daughter grow up. We still have so much to do, so much to accomplish. If you just give me this one thing I swear I will never question you again. Dammit, don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to my daughter. For fucks sake she’s only twenty years old. Her birthday is only a few weeks away. Why would you do this? Why would you put my family through this?
Carrie was on her knees, her arms wrapping around me. “Gage, Dr. Chang said we can go back in the room now. Come on, you need to be with your wife right now.”
Sniffing, I brought my eyes to meet Carrie’s. “I don’t know if I can do it. I can’t see her like that.”
“She needs you right now, more than you need her. She needs to know that you’re okay.”
“I’m not okay. This is too fuckin’ soon.”
“Gage Tucker. You are not weak. We are going in that room. We are going to sit with the girl we love and let her know it is okay for her to stop fighting. She’s hurting, Gage. She has fought for months and she’s tired. Be fair to her.”
Carrie helped me from the ground and into Cobie’s room. She was covered in wires and a tube was going down her throat. Constant beeping and a low hum of the ventilator were filling the silence.
I took a seat next to Cobie, wrapping her hand up in mine. “I’m here, baby. It’s okay. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
I laid my head down next to her shoulder and cried myself to sleep.
“Gage.” A familiar voice pulled me from my nightmare, thank God.
Blinking a few times, I raised my head and saw Larkin and Jenna standing across from me. They both had red, puffy eyes. It wasn’t a nightmare. I looked down and saw a very lifeless Cobie.
Without letting go of Cobie’s hand I reached across and grabbed Larkin’s. “I’m so sorry.”
Larkin’s chin quivered as his tears clouded his eyes. Jenna and Carrie put their arms around his back. Both women crying.
I looked down at Cobie and said, “When we got married Cobie changed everything to my name. I’m the one that makes all the decisions. But guys, I can’t make this one alone.”
Carrie, Larkin, and Jenna walked around Cobie’s bed and surrounded me. Jenna kissed my cheek and asked, “Did you guys ever talk about what she wanted if this happened?”