I see her close off and shut down; she’s gone. She’s sitting within feet of me and she may as well be on the other side of the world because she’s already left. I don’t know what to do. I can’t react how I want to; it’ll scare her half to death and she’s already afraid. The pressure is building in my veins and I don’t know how much longer I can hold it in.
“I’m just me, angel,” I say, as soft as my turmoil will allow.
She shakes her head and she’s trembling. “No, no, you’re not who I thought you were.” Her eyes have a cyclone swirling in their depths as she gets to her feet.
I try reaching for her, but she yanks away, almost toppling backwards in her haste. Instinctively, I catch her, and she stiffens in my arms. The reaction hurts more than having my fingernails pulled out one by one. I just want her to love me, for me, for everything I am. Is that too much to ask?
She turns her face away from me, breathing quickly, almost panting. I begin to wonder if I scare or disgust her.
“I’m just the same. I’m still the fucking same.” Panic floods my senses. I don’t know how many more times I can use the same words. She sure as hell isn’t listening. I retract, shoving my hands into my jeans to stop me from touching her. I just want to wrap her in my arms and tell her everything will be okay, but the way she’s recoiling makes my fists tighten in my pockets.
“How can you be?” She says it with such conviction it makes me flinch. “I can’t do this, I can’t listen to you. How could you do that?” At her words, I feel the crack in my chest, my barely beating heart being flayed where it sits. She thinks I’m a monster.
“Don’t punish me for being honest. If you’d never known, if I had never told you, would you have seen it in me? Would you have known the man who loves you down to his bones was a killer? Could you tell from my touch? Would you have felt it on my lips when I claimed yours? When I moved inside you, making love to you, would you have known then?” My whole body burns for her, but she’s like ice.
“Don’t do this to me, it’s not fair,” she whispers.
“Would you?” I insist. I can’t help myself. I know I should be reining my temper in, not letting it get the better of me, but I can’t stand the stillness taking over her eyes. It’s destroying me.
“No!” she screams at me, fists clenched at her sides.
“Then what’s fucking changed?” I can feel the heat blazing in my eyes burning into hers. Willing the fire in her eyes to reignite, not ebb away into nothing but blackened embers.
“Jesus Christ, Noah. Everything. How would you feel if you discovered I murdered someone for fun? Would it matter if my touch could drive you to the edge? Would it matter that when I kissed you it felt like I was starving for you, and only your taste could ease my hunger? It wouldn’t matter, Noah, because you would never get over the fact. Regardless. What’s the difference?”
Seriously, she’s going there? “Fuck understanding the bigger picture. I guess second chances only apply to you, right?”
Pain etches her face. Shit.
Defeat washes through my body and my whole demeanour shifts. My body sags and my legs struggle to hold me up. I’ve lost like I knew I would. I step in close to her, needing to memorise her scent, feel her warmth. She raises her face to me, her dead eyes meeting mine in defiance. I slowly lift my hand to cup her face and feel her flinch at my touch, flaying another layer of my heart away.
“For the record, you two are my life.” My gruff voice trembles and tears brim in my eyes. I’ve never been in so much pain. “My heart belongs to you. My soul is entwined with yours. I’ll protect you until my last breath whether you want me to or not, and I’ll love you for a fucking eternity.”
I take one last searching gaze into her eyes, hunting for something to hold on to, some tiny fragment of hope. But the grey depths have stilled, flatlined, and there is nothing left for me to find. She doesn’t want me and I’m not going to push her to reason. Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead, a tear escapes my eyes. I release her and walk away. Her breath catches and she muffles a choked sob. And for the second time, I leave my heart with her. She doesn’t want it, but it’s hers just the same.
Acid tears track down my cheeks, burning and disfiguring my already scarred face. My abdominals burn with the words I can’t remove. I was stupid to even consider she might see past my revelation. My angel sees me as Lucifer.
I race upstairs and grab a few clothes, ramming them into my backpack. Angry for letting myself love her, love them.
A different pain grips my chest as I look in on our son. He plays happily with his cars on the floor of the bedroom. When he spots me, he gets to his feet and comes to the stair gate blocking his exit.
“Da-dad, c-ars?”
I swipe away the tears, not wanting to upset him.
“Not now, buddy.” I’m so proud he said ‘cars.’ Another part of my heart breaks as I lift him into my arms and pin him against me, soaking in every last memory I can, unsure if I’ll ever see him again. If she refuses to see me as anything more than a monster then she won’t let me within a foot of my son.
My chest heaves as I place him back in the room and crouch at the gate. “Daddy has to go away for a little while. Can you do me a big favour?”
“Yeash, Da-dad.” I have no idea if he understands me or not.
“I need you to look after Mummy for me, can you do that?” His little head nods in response.
Bending over the stair gate, I place my lips to his head.
“I love you, little man.” With burning eyes, I turn, grab the backpack, and race down the stairs before I can’t leave. Before I think about what I’m doing.
Her stabbing sobs torture my eardrums as I pass the kitchen. Placing my house keys in the dish on the hallway table, I say, “The house is yours, angel.”
I don’t know if she heard me, or if she even wants it, but at least I can give them that. I check my pockets for my bike key, grab my helmet and wallet, then force myself out the front door.
A WAVE OF nausea plagues my stomach with each step away from her, them, as if fighting the force of gravity. My mouth dries out, making swallowing down the bitterness scorching my throat almost impossible. My eyes burn, yet my insides crystallise and disintegrate, the pain crucifying me. Lizzie’s gut-wrenching sobs enforce the depth of my betrayal, echoing around my ears like a stuck record.
Why the hell did I tell her?
Out of habit, I want a drink; the need to forget overwhelms me. If I could just take it all back… But I can’t. And at this point, I don’t want to. I did the right thing. I’ll have to suck it up and deal with the aftermath like a fucking man. And the ways I used to lose myself won’t help my situation. Not now.
Nothing will.
With shaking hands, I remove my phone from my back jeans pocket and make a call to the one person who gets me and never judges me. I scroll through my last dialled numbers and press Bear’s name.
“Noah?”
“Mate, I need a favour,” I blurt out, my desperation obvious in the rushed words.
There’s a sharp intake of breath before he answers. “Anything. You know that.”
“Get Layla over to my house… Now.” Emotion chokes every word to the point of incoherency, as cold reality seeps into my bones. I don’t want Lizzie to think I abandoned her. I just need to go away for a little while. Give her time to consider taking me back.
“What the fu—Oh. Yeah… Sure.” His confusion quickly clears. “You told her the truth about you, didn’t you?”
A strangled growl emits from my throat that’s supposed to be a ‘yes.’
“Shit. Okay, I’ll ring her now. Don’t do anything stupid, mate.”
“What could I possibly do that’s more fucking stupid than destroying the only thing I’ve ever fucking wanted?” I spit down the phone at him. Anger at my own stupidity surges through me, enhancing the emotional overload in my system. The line goes dead and I consider smashing the phone into the ground. To watch it shatter into smithereens like my heart. But now it’s my only access to Lizzie and the only people I trust to look after her while I’m gone. The fucking phone is all I have.