The clock ticks on the wall; I count every movement the second hand makes. We’ve already heard about Danny, but nothing on Lizzie. My mind’s at war with my body. I’m exhausted. The physical and mental strain of the past day finally catches up with me. Jase keeps plying me with strong black coffee and caffeine-infused sodas. My insides vibrate, and I’m getting irritable. After sitting here for 8,013 seconds, a surgeon finally makes her entrance.
She scans the room. All the lads sit bolt upright and in unison acknowledge her with ‘ma’am.’ I remain silent but lean forward, desperate for some news and wait for her to say something. My heart beats wildly, and the urge to throw up almost overcomes me. Her gaze settles. The frantic beat in my chest stops and holds its breath along with me.
“Noah?”
“Yes.” My hands clench and unclench in my lap.
“Lizzie asked for you before we operated. I hope you understand we had no time for you to see her beforehand.”
I dip my head in acknowledgement. Relief surges through me. Lizzie woke up enough to speak to them. “Is she okay?”
“She’s been lucky. The bullet grazed her brachial, she lost a lot of blood but thankfully it missed her humerus.” Thank God I was right. “There may be a little nerve damage. We won’t be sure until the swelling goes down. All in all, it was a clean entrance and exit. So I’m going to risk it and say the chances of anything permanent are slim, but still possible.”
“Can I see her?”
“She’s still in recovery and won’t be able to talk to you.” As she speaks, she shakes her head.
“Please, ma’am. I just need to see her.”
She sighs. “Five minutes.”
I nod at her. I’d agree to be a surrogate mum to a donkey if it meant I’d get to see Lizzie.
“Okay, follow me.” She turns to walk away.
We walk through a couple of doors, and I follow where she leads. We pass several rooms, and I glance in one and see Danny. “How’s he doing?”
“Not bad, considering. He’s got a long road ahead of him though. His thigh muscles and nerves were torn up pretty bad. Apparently it was a mess.” She stops walking outside another room. “I’m told he should recover pretty well, and with visits to a physiotherapist he should be back on his feet in three to four months.”
“Fuck.” I rub my hand over my head.
“You guys know what you’re doing and you know the risks when you go on ops. It never makes it any easier when it finally catches up with you though.” She gives me a half smile. “Anyway, here we are.”
“How long will Lizzie’s recovery take?”
“Hmm. So long as there’s no nerve damage, anywhere from a couple of weeks to a month. Obviously the scar will be tender for a while, but she’ll be throwing punches again in no time.”
“Ma’am?” I can’t bring myself to look her in the eye to say what I need to say, so I keep my eyes locked on the floor. Hatred for myself wells in the pit of my stomach.
“If you’re going to ask about sex, she’ll be okay as soon as she feels ready.”
My gaze whips up to her face. For once in my life, that is not where my thoughts are going. “Thanks.” I manage a small chuckle even though on the inside my heart’s withering away. “But what I was going to say was, thank you… you know, for fixing Lizzie.”
Her hand reaches out and squeezes my arm. “Sorry, I’m just so used to you lads being concerned with your own vital organs. And you’re welcome. Remember, five minutes, okay?” Then she heads off down the corridor.
Pausing at the entrance I’m unable to make my feet move forward. Desperation to see her mixed with anxiety leave me frozen in place. My hand shakes when I grow big enough balls to push the door open. I step inside, quietly close it behind me, then lean back against it, letting out a deep breath.
My gaze rakes over Lizzie. Her body looks so tiny in the bed, so fragile. The heart monitor’s beating sound is constant, reassuring me she’s actually okay. I find it in me to move closer and pull a chair over to the side of the bed. Needing her warmth, I take her hand in mine and rub circles over it, much like the first time she came home with me. I never knew I had a heart, let alone imagined I would hand it over, along with my balls, to the woman in front of me.
The thought brings a smile to my lips, which dies with the rampant thoughts invading my head.
“Hey.” My voice breaks as I begin to speak. “I hope to God you can hear me. I’m too much of a pussy to do this when you can answer me back. But still…”
“I’m so sorry for all this shit. I’m sorry it was my life, my past, which caused all of this. I know Archie was twisted but he would have left you alone if it weren’t for me. So I’ve been thinking…” I pause for a moment to try and gather my thoughts, try to find the words.
“I love you more than anything. You and Kai are my world. You do know that, right? I’ve loved you from the moment you let me inside that amazing body of yours. Maybe I just wanted to fuck you at first, but I handed you my heart a long time ago.” Moisture wells in my eyes. “I don’t want it back, that’s not what I’m asking. What I’m trying to say is… fuck… I want you to keep it. It belongs more to you than me, anyway. But this is for the best. Best for you and Kai. It’s not best for me.” The warm tears begin to fall, and splash down onto our entwined hands.
“I’m not what you need in your life. I’m not what anybody needs in their life. You deserve the prince, the fucking king of all men.” I heave in a shaky breath. “That’s not me. It doesn’t matter how much I love you, how much I want you. It’s meaningless when your safety’s concerned. When our son’s safety is concerned. I wish I could tell you this to your face, see that beautiful storm in your eyes raging at me, but I know you’d convince me I’m wrong, or you’d hate me. Maybe you’d forgive me in the end. But I can’t forgive myself. Not for this…”
I lay a light kiss on her hand. “I’ll love you for a fucking eternity.” Exhaling harshly, I hold her palm to my face, memorise her scent, take her warmth. Try and gather every last shred of her I can take with me because it’s all I’ll have. Her fingers twitch in my grasp and I know it’s time to leave. I stand up, lean over, and place my lips against her forehead and my voice breaks. “Goodbye, angel.”
I turn to leave and open the door. She lets out a pained whimper as she begins to stir. She mumbles something; it’s almost inaudible, but I hear each word as if she had shouted them.
Love you.
It carves open my heart, and takes my breath, as I close the door behind me. Her words freeze me in place, my hand firm around the door handle. But I remind myself I’m nothing to love. She deserves better. She deserves safe.
Somehow I force my feet to move away and get back to the waiting area. Zander jumps from his seat when I walk in and he braces me with his arm. “Shit, is she all right?”
“Yeah, she’s okay. Doc says she’ll be good in a few days.” I manage to squeeze out the information and push him off of me. “I need to go.”
“I’ll take you.” Jase stands up and gets his keys from his pocket.
Zan eyes me. “What’s going on?”
Unable to answer, I can only shake my head at him before I turn and leave the very place I’m desperate to stay.
Jase keeps pace with me. “You need to get cleaned up.”
I nod without looking at him. We stride out of the building to the truck still at the kerb.
“Where you going?”
I want to answer, ‘To Hell.’ But it comes out as, “Macy’s.”